The Search For Balance: Unicorn, Task of Sisyphus Or Reality?

First, I want to say a tremendous thank you to each person who has contributed, posted my blog as a link (assuming that is even the right terminology!) or otherwise just been so positive about this little endeavor.  If I failed to reply to an individual comment, it is unintentional. I had a weird day where all I wanted to do was tell a specific male client exactly what he could do with his snark and disrespect, but I digress.  Or the dude who almost bowled me over in trying to get out of the elevator like it was on fire--I mean, come on. FLR or not, let's at least be moderately respectful of my six inch heels and not literally push me back by the force of your unnecessarily dramatic exit.  Again, a digression I am sure will be a post shortly.

One of the themes I struggle with in my own mind has come out in several comments.  This concept of balance and how to achieve it.  On the one hand, I have read several posts or blogs where men seem to just want more dominance, more control, more expressions of authority.  I certainly understand that conundrum--they are asking to serve and to be submissive, and need a woman who can take that on and give them the clarity and clear expectations they seek. And, frankly respect of the choice they have made.  It is both beautiful and daunting.

On the other hand, I find myself wondering sometimes how the hell to do that in practical terms. What is the right balance between being in charge and taking the decision fatigue away from your partner (while also having the comfort in the clarity/authority of your own decision making), but feeling like you are not just telling him what to do or, more worrisome, colossally making some form of a scarring mistake.  It is my point in referencing the mythical punishment of just rolling a huge ball up the hill to watch it roll down again, and then back up the hill......Sometimes that is how I feel this internal mind struggle of mine would look if put to imagery. Or maybe wrapping around axles for you gearheads.

As my beautiful husband pointed out when we were talking about this earlier today (and he discovered my blog), adding more to my plate by making me micromanage him doesn't really address what we are trying to do--find ways for him to actively help and contribute that allow me the freedom to lead.  There is such a beautiful gift in a man's submission and I know that he wants me to be ultimately in charge.

Someone saying to you, I love you and trust you to lead me is its own unicorn of sorts (what many women (or men--Not trying to exclude anyone!) would dream of), but I at least would be straight up lying if I said I was not wondering how I can ever measure up to such an incredible gift and the true effort that needs to go into such nurturing.  So therein lies the great debate.  How to lead and give the beautiful man who offers to support you in all ways the authority and clarity he needs from you without being a micromanager or somehow failing him in this and what he clearly needs or has asked for, and which you may or may not even understand yourself. {Please forgive the inherently rambling sentences}

I am not sure I yet know the answer, and I worry sometimes that even asking how he is or what he is feeling or where he wants to come out on something that I am somehow shirking my responsibilities to take ownership of the decision(s).  It really is not that. I genuinely want to know what he wants, needs or feels so I can develop the best strategy for our seemingly increasingly complicated life.  I want to make sure I am considering all the options and making him feel respected and heard.  But, then the worry creeps in. Am I being assertive enough? Am I showing him he can trust me? Am I giving him the control and dominance/authority he seems to want/should expect from me? Or am I just backdooring the same kind of no, you decide, as long as it is what I want (but which I will totally not tell you), from which we both fled in previous marriages.

So this is my struggle.  In finding balance between giving him the authority he craves and has asked for, and in being confident in my ability to truly lead, with the overlay of fear that I may make him feel inconsequential or just generally hurt him emotionally in some irreparable way by my choices (see earlier post re childish flouncing).  I said in response to a comment earlier, that I think this grayer area is the hardest to navigate.  Simply controlling all choice, or giving up all choice, is easier in some respects, but it is not what I wish to have. So I continue to search for the right, and possibly mythical, unicorn of balance.

In the event you may be a dominant partner who is reading this and struggling with this same thing, fear not! At least one other person faces this minute by minute.  Submissive husbands/partners, I say to you that I also get it and respect it.  And I am hopeful with all of the amazing voices that have already started to contribute that we can all start to articulate answers to what are clearly amorphous issues, and both generalized and specific struggles.  Submissive men, please share too....I am fascinated by what you may really want when you say I need or want more control or authority or dominance--please, please share specifically if you can.  Dominant women, speak of how you deal with what I hope is not just a struggle for me.

But, maybe the search for balance is neither mythical beast nor rock rolling, but something that can be achieved with hard work and dedication to your relationship.

Please keep sharing and contributing.  The feeling of isolation that can come from starting out with this, particularly when you do not have friends or fellow submissives or dominants with whom to share live can be daunting.  I remember re-reading specific posts of particularly poignant words and thinking, ok, maybe this is possible in my sphere of comfort, and reading them time and time again to make them less ethereal.  Many of the posts on blogs I highlighted brought me a sense of peace and normalcy I guess.  I'll just hope I can offer even a shred of that to my reading audience.

This can be a world of love, respect and a strengthening of an emotional bond that I never even thought possible.  But it is a struggle, at least for me.  A daily inquiry into what I am doing and what I can best do to lead us certainly comes up in spades, but it is a journey in which I believe is wholeheartedly worth both the investment and investigation to figure out how to do it (mostly) right. Or at least fake it until I make it.

Thoughts, comments, questions, etc. welcome.  And thank you all for the support. It is immeasurably comforting.