On The Ever Complicated Topic Of Discipline

In reading through the comments and thinking about what might be an interesting topic, I saw two themes developing that I think we should explore together.  I will deal with them separately, much as I love jam packing blog posts with one bajillion thoughts and statements.  Although, as I reread this, it is an epic one.  Grab a seat. I apparently have much to say on this tonight.  Each of these topics seems to deserve its own attention, and I expect may generate more opinion, perspective and thought than maybe others I have written on in my very short blogging time.

The topic that seems to emerge either impliedly or explicitly is discipline, which this post will focus on, and the second is orgasm control or male chastity more generally.  I will attack that after we see how this goes.

I am not--like pretty much like everything else I am writing on--any sort of expert, theorist nor snake oil salesman who wants to sell you a bill of goods on any of this.  It is simply the chronicle of my/our journey, and an attempt to address topics that I found frightening, interesting and immensely complicated when I first started looking at this as a choice.  I simply present this as such and will let you draw your own conclusion or take what you will from it.

I expect opinions, feelings and sentiments will vary widely on these topics.  As I have said before, and will likely repeat ad nauseum, there is not one path for everyone nor one way that makes this real, true or pure--at least from my perspective.  I will also preface that I am not trying to generalize as to anything or ascribe a point of view to any particular group- but me continuing to say "in my opinion" or the like probably will spawn a hilarious drinking game where everyone ends up in trouble.  So I will just assume that because we are all adults and this is a blog, that you know this is my opinion rather than some form of larger credo or form of gospel.  And so with my massive disclaimers, let us discuss.

As one of our charming contributors pointed out, there is often a divide between a FLR and more traditional Domestic Discipline.  While I have read that many in femdom or FLR use corporal punishment either in sex or as part of discipline, there are also an equal number that seem to prefer not to use it.  Coming up with other forms of discipline or behavior correction such as corner time, extra chores, a stern or disapproving warning or the like.  There also seem to be many in a DD relationship that do not really subscribe to the larger assumption of authority by a female outside of the specific and agreed upon behaviors to be corrected.

I find it surprising there does not seem to much overlap between these two areas--particularly where, as one contributor pointed out, giving your spouse the ability to correct or manage certain behaviors is--at least for that area--an exchange of some form of power.  I have no skin in the game of which one is better, right or works for you.  I sincerely hope that whatever relationship you are in absolutely works for you, and brings you joy and happiness.  If these topics do not, I understand and will mix it up with some bad Greek myth references in the next weeks.

Anyway, in first looking at all of this however long ago, I realized I had no real sense of how to discipline or punish.  I certainly understood the accountability aspect and that if I set expectations or required certain services, behavior or actions, there had to be some form of consequence should such not occur in the manner I wanted.  Unfortunately, the actual carrying out of this amorphous accountability was not just in my wheel house.

Much as I wish my glowering stare could inspire immediate contrition, that is just not realistic.  And my go to move of correcting some behavior I did not like with my ex was basically screaming, long periods of stony silence or some really awesome moves like jumping out of a car (it was mostly stopped).  So here I sat--searching different blogs and trying to understand even the basic difference between discipline, punishment and the different theories, thoughts and methods behind it.  While also trying desperately to find something I could live with and feel ok about.

I got lost in several different things to say the least and vacillated between thinking I should buy eight canes to be used nonstop or work on that glowering stare and have that be the end of it.  And as I read different examples of what people did or how people were disciplined or punished for specific things or in certain instances, I understood even less about what would work for me.  So came the great up and downhill rock rolling of what kind of discipline, should it be corporal, can I do that, should I do it severely, what do I do when that is not tied to the issue, and on an on an on.

But really, as with everything about this, it is a personal journey and you have to find what works for you.  And sometimes it is one thing, and other times it is something else, and sometimes we just do the best we can.

So with all of that prefatory rambling out of the way, here is where we started and what we do.  If you don't want to know or disagree with anything I have said, thanks for stopping by and I hope something else I will say is more of your liking later.

My sweet husband and I have enjoyed some form of spanking kink for while.  He is really the only person I could explore that aspect with for whatever reason (probably because he is just magic).  We would throw it into our sex life on occasion and always some form of great role play.  I fancied myself a switch, which really meant that sometimes I just wanted to be a naughty girl under her Big Daddy's hand (things just got interesting, right?!) or more typically, a woman in serious charge.  He also claimed the same, but as I said to him a few months ago, it was really more than he knew I liked that on occasion and was willing to provide that to me.  The idea of spanking him as a punishment really never crossed my mind.

Then, as things kind of turned into me always being in charge in the bedroom and it started to creep into the rest of our life and we realized we had not switched in a really, really long time, we both realized maybe things had changed in our dynamic generally and I raised how he would feel about being spanked as a punishment.  I certainly do not think he loves it, but I also think there is something to the immediacy of it and the ability to wipe the slate clean.  It is not drawn out, it is different than anything else we do, and then it is over.  I will also be clear that this rarely comes up actually.  I loathe it and I am sure he does too.  It is very different than anything else we do--different room, different implements, different demeanor, and really only for certain very, very specific things. I also genuinely think it is so much less about it being a more painful experience physically than him knowing how much I hate it and wanting to avoid that rather than the pain itself.

But as we decided that punishment spankings were reserved for pretty limited things, I (again) rock rolled about what the hell to do about everything else.  I told Dan--Disciplined Hubby that I was trying a punishment fits the crime approach.  To some extent that is true, but what is the appropriate punishment for not specifically carrying out something I asked (especially when it is the product of two households, in two different states, really demanding jobs and a mess of tiny children)? Corner time? Going to the store to get the thing he forget (this one I do)? Washing his mouth out with soap (which I get if there is some sass involved)? Enemas (No thanks)? ETC....I literally have no clue.

So we implemented the concept of a more frequent spanking.  Not at all a punishment spanking but not pure play either.  I have specific instruments I use (and which I have an excellent source I love) and there is a whole ritual that goes along with it.  And what we have both discovered is that is satisfies a whole series of things that I think works for us.  He likes it because it is a physical reinforcement of my authority (much like men who are caged might feel?), we each find some way of releasing stress, sharpening focus and being centered to our relationship (which DtBHC specifically raised in a comment is what he gets from it so apparently we are not alone) and it also kind of addresses some of the small things that we let go with a reminder he wants to be good and obedient when he feels that lasting sting during the day, and is also a little fun.  So that's pretty much our mainstay.  With specific offenses meriting a much less fun trip to the home office, and the in between either getting wrapped up in the maintenance discipline or addressed separately.

I also had a beautiful paddle made that he is responsible for putting in my purse when we go out. It is a small, custom hairbrush in purple wood with my initials. I fully expect I will never have to use it, as he is a delight in social settings, but it is there as a reminder that I could. And so this part of what we do I think is our particular physical manifestation of my authority beyond me just kind of being assertive, expecting his service and otherwise being in charge. It is a specific way to remind each of us who is in charge.  Not really the physical act per se or the pain associated (even if minimally), but the idea he just submits to me when I say and that I am the final arbiter of any behavior I wish to correct--anywhere, any time.

The day to day discipline or correction is honestly more what I struggle with.  The right (drinking game go) Balance to correct but not turn me into a school marm.  If anyone has insight about what works for them in the day to day, I'd love to hear (just as I would generally re your thoughts as to this topic).  He rarely needs it but I feel like I want to have some canned reactions to specific issues so at least I can be swift and efficient, and not leave him feeling like one day he gets punished for something that I let go two days later because I don't have time to deal with it or I just don't know what to do.

Anyway, this is clearly a tip of the iceberg type post....as I think we can all agree whatever form discipline takes in a FLR (corporal or otherwise), it clearly factors in and is likely something we should discuss as this little blog continues.

So there we are fellow readers....Let me hear you.