Is Any Marriage Ever Really Equal?

As I have said, this is a newer concept for us.  But what is new is not really the idea that one person is more in control than another, but rather that there is an open acknowledgment of it.  I think that is the critical distinction that actually helped me wrap my mind around this when we first started discussing it.  It seemed like such a change. A huge shift in how I had always thought I wanted a marriage to be- one of total equality.  The reality though, is that I am not sure any relationship can really be like that.

In most households, one or the other person makes more money. That usually leads to that person having a (even if slightly) bigger say in how money is spent.  Or one parent may choose to stay home, which makes the house and children more of his or her domain.  There is also the more subtle forms of control in the sense of emotional responses to things.  Is a decision really equal when you use some form of influence to get what you think is best? Either acting passive aggressively or shouting louder or generally just finding a way to make your voice louder? Or that often you are thinking generally of what is best for your family anyway and so may sacrifice something you need or want to make the better choice in the long run.  In my experience, and certainly in my first marriage, this led to confusion.  Who was in charge of which part, whether I or he could get what we thought was best by screaming louder or acting in a way to force the other person to do what either of us thought was best anyway.

So while the concept of a FLR can seem revolutionary, alternative or controlling, I am just not convinced that it has to be.  I know there are various degrees (and which is true of any relationship), but it seems to me that openly acknowledging that one person has the ultimate decision making authority is actually much simpler than trying to make a decision on a case by case basis.  It also takes out the element of surprise for the other partner. The "hey, you did what I wanted but it did not turn out how I planned and now I blame you for not telling me we needed to do something different."  I lived with a lot of that before, as did my husband, and it is exhausting and destructive.  It certainly destroyed both of our first marriages and left us both wishing for more clarity or peace in a marriage.

Different individuals have made the point that being older or second marriages may be more susceptible to this type of relationship.  I do not disagree at all.  The time I was on my own and my default head of household provided the opportunity to realize that not only could I take care of myself and my family, but I was pretty good at it.  I managed to be a professional and a mother, as well as a sister, friend, aunt and still get the bills paid and the house in order.  It is not easy. And having a partner is much better to divide and identify which person's strengths are better suited for specific tasks.  It also was terrifying when I first got divorced. My ex always took care of everything so suddenly literally the act of paying a bill was something I had to do. I was overwhelmed and worried and then I just did it.  (Have to love auto pay).  But my point is that even if it is not a second marriage or even if there is trepidation in taking on more responsibility, it certainly is possible.  It may not be for all women or men, but there is some incredible benefit to just saying I can do this and for me, realizing I had done parts of this either in my previous marriage or relationships since by acting a certain way to get what I want, made this easier to conceptualize.  In reality, it is much easier to just be open and clear about my expectations or what I want.  And I expect my husband to be an active participant.  I will take ultimate responsibility for any decision, but he needs to be involved for the most part.

I will share our structure of decision making, which seems to be a hybrid of different methods. If anyone does the same thing or has their own experience on this he or she would like to share, please share!  We have three different levels of sorts. Things that I really do not feel strongly about (what we might have for dinner a particular night), I will ask his opinion and let him know I do not feel strongly.  The trick with this one is I actually have to make sure I do not care because I do not think it is fair to say, whatever you want. Oh, just kidding.  That (and which I am sure will be another blog post) is probably the hardest as a female in this--figuring out what you actually want because your man deserves clarity from you.  So then he can say what he wants to do or thinks and I will usually go with it.  On the middle level, I have a particular position but I ask his first and expect he will be honest with me. We discuss it and he is able to make his case or take whatever position he wants. I consider it and use it to make the decision I think is best.  In the third case, there is no discussion and it is just what I think is best.  I try to reserve the latter for specific issues that I know he may be clouded on or where there really isn't any other choice, but I think these different levels help him to feel active and a contributing member of our household but still be certain in my ultimate authority.

I am curious as to people who do it differently though. Are there men out there who would be confused by that and prefer just to be told what to do in all ways? Women who run this differently and find ways to have a contributing partner differently? If you want to share, please comment!