I'm going to borrow a theme from I'm Hers because it is one that is pretty foundational for a FLR. At the same time it is also incredibly amorphous and trying to navigate the practicalities of being both dominant and in control. In reading some of the comments, control seems to be seen as the demand for something or giving orders but something like checking up on the work is dominance. I'm not sure I agree. They both seem so enmeshed together that I don't know that one can be separated from another.
If I think about what I do on a daily basis I'm not sure I can distinguish between which act or conduct is control and which is dominance. This presents the exact problem I have blogged about before in understanding what a submissive needs when he says I want more control, more ownership, etc.
It obviously will depend on each person and the particular dynamic but it is a struggle from the dominant perspective. How do you both control and provide sufficient dominance? What does that even mean?
To me, dominance is the overall control I exert. It's not just about set chore lists or expectations of behavior, but about the idea that I have set that up and expect him to obey. I expect he will defer to me and act in accordance with the terms of our agreement. But I do not typically inspect or follow up. I suppose that is something I probably should do sometimes to make sure everything is getting done. But that also seems counter intuitive. If I am really in control and dominant, there should be no question about my requirements being met. I know we are all human and people forget things, but having to check up or micromanage is exactly what I don't want from this and expect him to obviate the need to do.
I also verbally reaffirm control/dominance by using direct statements, not equivocating for the most part and identifying which type of answer I am looking for (ie, none, his opinion counts but I am leaning one way, or its 51/49). I sometimes wonder whether there are things I could say or do that would clarify the authority even further but I haven't found a rhythm on anything else yet. Not asking as a question and directing what I expect seems to be the best balance. I suspect he feels my dominance most when I do this in public. Mostly because if people paid attention they would hear it was not a request but a demand. And one in which he willingly performs.
For some people, these things may be enough to feel both dominance and control. I wonder, though, whether the reason I do not see as much of a distinction between the two is the physical aspect of dominance in our relationship. Even if I don't check his work or call him on everything, he knows I can and would punish or discipline him for it. I know not everyone does the same thing, but the aspect of discipline builds in literal dominance in a way I'm not sure words alone could.
We also use a daily ritual of discipline spankings to keep that dominance and authority at the forefront. He also knows the possibility exists for much different punishment, which rarely rarely ever happens. The consistency of discipline on a daily basis seems to prevent the need for a punishment. The act itself of him submitting daily and me exerting physical control over his body confirms me as the dominant in a way words or direction just can't. I know that is not everyone's experience or path, but it seems to work for us. Because he knows unequivocally every time he sits down who owns him, whether or not I have used any words to remind or confirm that.
This alone certainly is not enough. The distinction between a FLR and DD requires more. More assumption of decision making beyond behavior changes and an acknowledgment of overall control by the dominant. But it is a critical piece that I believe makes my particular brand of leadership both dominant and in control without question.
How do others feel? Does dominance require more than control? What are the acts, words or rituals that make you feel most submissive? Or the way you feel most dominant if you lead?
Hi Rhiannon. Great post, as always. I haven't thought a lot about the difference between control and dominance. My gut reaction is that dominance is really a statement of the relative status between the parties, while control, and submission to it, is one way in which that relative and hierarchical status is demonstrated. In other words, control is something you get to impose because you are dominant.
ReplyDeleteAs for the difference between FLR and DD, I think it is complicated and more of a spectrum than a hard difference. When we first started with DD, it was really about punishment, and using that to correct specific behaviors. Really limited. Now, of course, agreeing to that arrangement is some kind of FLR, because she gets to decide when and how to discipline her husband, so even with the confines of DD that arrangement reflects a hierarchy with her in charge. I see the difference--and your blog really helped me start conceptualizing this--being that FLR involves more of a ceding of day-to-day control over decision making. It's not just about setting rules and punishing infractions, but recognizing that one person exercises authority over more decisions than the other and that when there is a disagreement that person wins. It also may involve imposing chores, tasks, etc., which I associate with moving a bit down the Femdom spectrum, but still well within an FLR.
For me, the verbal and physical dominance is critical to making me feel submissive. It is hard for me to get into that "sub space" because it really goes against the grain of my personality, so I need her to MAKE me go there, by taking control in a very direct manner. I have told her that not only would I not balk at her being more forceful and authoritarian in the way she speaks to me, it would really help me start perceiving her as the dominant all the time. I used to believe that it must be hard for the dominant to do that--being "on" all the time--but you have convinced me that it is probably as hard or harder to go back and forth all the time.
Thanks for the great comment, Dan. There can certainly be gradations of being "on," but I think longer periods of getting away from this make it harder to reset, and then time is spent reorienting rather than progressing. I imagine as this goes on and becomes more routine, it just comes more naturally. Fingers crossed, of course!
ReplyDeleteI know different people have different levels of this, but in terms of decision making and control in general, it seems very difficult and confusing to not have pretty delineated lines. That does not mean no voice or participation, quite the opposite. But I imagine it would be hard to shift constantly within the who has power game. For me, that is exactly what this prevents. It is not always easy to maintain, but certainly keeping the overall power is something I have to do for this to work. Otherwise it would be confusing for both of us I think.
I have a very simple take on this. Control is what is exerted by the dominant to get the desired outcome, dominance is what is felt by the submissive in meeting the demands of the dominant. The form, extent, manner, etc is situational and relationship dependent.
ReplyDeleteHi Ms Rhiannon, I enjoy your blog very much. Also enjoy IH's, as well. Think in your comment to Dan, you are right on. Dominance and control are somewhat of a moving target. There are degrees of both in a FLM couple's overall relationship and there are different degrees with each interaction within the relationship. Maybe we are all over thinking it a bit. When a situation arises you simply do what you think is right given your experience. If you feel confident about it, you feel comfortable exercising more dominance and control. If you feel less confident, then you exercise less D & C. Often, the dominant calls on the submissive partner's experience to boost her confidence. It's not weakness, just good management for a decision maker to use all resources at their disposal in order to make the best possible decision. Thanks for sharing your journey.
ReplyDeleteHi Rhiannon,
ReplyDeleteI really like the practice of daily discipline spanking not really punishment but more an affirmation of your authority that makes real punishment infrequent. My wife does use " preventive" spanking but otherwise is more comfortable with spanking for cause, that is a real behavior problem needing a correction. So she is not likely to ever adopt a daily spanking ritual. But I have one question and that is what the difference is between the daily discipline spankings and a punishment spanking if you need to administer one.Are the daily spanking more symbolic and ritualized submission to your authority or is their some degree of physical chastisement involved. If these daily discipline spankings make punishment spankings rare, what about them explains that?
Thanks for any answer you can give.
Alan .
I think these kinds of comparisons, between abstractions, are tricky but I'll take a shot at it. Control tends to refer to the decision making power one person has over another, e.g. control over their finances or their personal time. Dominance is one person consistently reaffirming and reminding their subordinate that they are in charge. To put it in a very reductive, and probably somewhat inaccurate fashion, many relationship leaders (I'm avoiding the term 'Dom' because it would be confusing here) would prefer a relationship with a comparatively high level of control and a low level of dominance, while many subordinates would prefer the opposite.
ReplyDeleteAs the linked post pointed out, much of dominance is work for the leader. It's things like reminding of the possibility of punishment, the smirk while doing so, extending their will out and over their subordinate. A number of women who are in these types of relationships were asked by their husbands / boyfriends to take charge. It's easy to see why they might find this to be catering to their partner's sexuality, yet one more thing to do. And catering to another party is not consistent with being the one in charge. I get it. In a sense, it is just that. But it's also an expression of intimacy, of involvement. And that's where the charge is for many submissives.
I want to argue with your statement that there should be no question about your requirements being met, as it seems to disregard any psychological challenges he may have in bending his will to yours. But when you write, "Because he knows unequivocally every time he sits down who owns him, whether or not I have used any words to remind or confirm that.", it's clear that you have found a way to manage that part of it.
my take as submissive man is the mistress shoulld have totel control over every thing her slave does. 24/7 her slave need permission for everything . he need to know he is her property just like a pair of shoes . his life time end every thing he does should be imakeing his mistress happy with out any thought for his self when his mistress talks and give orders he jumps and does what his mistress wants . and as a male sub my self . we should have no free time for ourselfs no tv.to compter,no golf just slavery house cleanning ,mopping floors. . doing lundry. ironing .shining mistress shoes. makking beds . then massaging mistress body her feet back legs . running her bath.shaveing her legs . learning to do her hair..nails cokking and be the best slave in the world then when his mistress talks to a fellow mistress she can brag. i have the best slave in the world he has no time for his self he just serves me 24/7 with no games or rewards he just obeys me period now that control
ReplyDeleteRhiannon,
ReplyDeleteYou have a great blog I very much enjoy reading. While I blog very little, being a submissive I'll try and answer your questions as to how it impact my feelings.
Does dominance require more control? Well, for me the more control my wife has the more love I feel for her. While I don't understand it, I know that her control makes me feel warm and very grateful that she is my wife. At the same time I have never really thought of the difference between "dominance" and "control," considering them to be synonymous. After reading your explanation I reflected on our FLM and frankly I've determined my wife like yourself does little follow up on jobs she has given me. Would I like that? Yes I would. Is it a game changer? No. I believe that the most important part of FLM is that it's what the HOH wants, so if you don't want to control then that's alright and on the other hand if you decide that your husband needs more control then I think he will love you for it.
Regarding your other question, asking what our acts, words or rituals are that make me feel more submissive, there are many. I love it when she tells me in public to do a job. An example was last week, we had company and after dinner and we were sitting around the table having coffee she looked at me and said, "Honey, clear the table now and do the dishes." I can't explain how wonderful that feels.
In the morning I am always the first one up, feeding the dogs, picking up the house and then I receive her text - "coffee!" That means it is time for me to go to the bedroom, massage her back, after which I bring her the coffee and paper. Then I straighten her bathroom, hang fresh towels and after that is done, I ask if she needs fresh coffee. She of course is still in bed relaxing, reading the paper, reviewing the market (she controls our finances) and preparing for her day. After I return with her fresh coffee, this is when she gives me her day's instructions, those tasks she expects me to do for her. This is a great submissive ritual.
Another ritual is she keeps me chastity when we are away from each other as we are today. She is on business for 5 days and before she left she called me into the bedroom and told me to get the CB which means I am to strip, put on the cage and then hand her the lock and key. She attaches the lock to the device, snaps it shut, gives me a kiss and tells me to put her luggage in the car. This creates very submissive feelings inside me.
When she says, "GO GET THE PADDLE!" that is when I feel the most submissive, it sends me immediately to sub-space. Unlike your FLM, my wife does not discipline me frequently so when she does it's for a real reason and I know it's going to be humiliating and really hurt. She is very good and effective in dispensing pain ("pain teaches" her philosophy) with her Spencer Paddle. While I know I deserve the discipline, it is an event I do not look forward to. It is an activity, being stronger, I could refuse to consent to, but I always submit. This is when I know I am hers!
Hopes this helps you with your FLM.
Remember, "Be Happy!"
H2O
Miss your blog posts. I check in everyday. You talked about consistency in an flr, how about in blogging (haha). Life takes president and posting blogs can get get put on the back burner. But I miss them, I'm sure W/we all miss them. I fear I'm being selfish? None the less, with great power comes great responsibility (how's that for dramatic?).
ReplyDeleteThanks
jH
Oh wow. I didn't even know this was a thing. A friend referred me to this blog and I need direction, advice, resources, etc. How can I "follow" this blog?
ReplyDeleteHow can I subscribe to this blog?
ReplyDelete