Leading Is Not Simple

Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted.  Life has just been busy and I have been somewhat uninspired on topics.  Because I am newer at this, I do not really have lifetime experience to draw on but really only know or can discuss what is immediately at issue for me.  But, I also remember really looking for guidance and trying so desperately to find words that made sense when we started this journey, that I will do what I can to be at least one voice like that for people searching for how to start or navigate this path.

I read Kathy's blog today, as well as the comment by Sandra, and thought I would chime in with more of the same.  In certain ways, this lifestyle should really be very easy.  The woman leads, the man follows and that is it.  In reality, it is far more complex and requires a real understanding of both yourself as a leader and your husband as a submissive.  In this society (though much less so in my generation), men have to be archetypically strong and any form of submission or lack of domination is somehow weakness.  And women who embrace being a leader are often bitchy or aggressive.  I think this is changing, but it still exists.

These societal underpinnings require a re-examination of how you see yourself and your partner if you choose this path.  Many who do choose this, I suspect, have already disregarded the archaic stereotypes, but if you are still wavering and wondering if you can be strong but submissive or a leader and still a lady, I for one say yes you can.   As I have blogged about before, I think men who serve in any capacity have more strength than someone who just assumes because he has a Y chromosome that somehow makes him a leader.  When you think about a knight or a man in the military, you do not think about a weak man. You see a strong and powerful man whose job it is to protect and serve.  If we can shift the construct from weak to submissive, it is easier to conceptualize why certain men could want this type of life.  Similar with the ladies who do this. We are not necessarily domineering, controlling or aggressive.  We simply recognize the men we love need to be led and that we can, in fact, lead. It is not even that different than the 50s housewife who ran the house entirely.  We just do it over everything and do not pretend it is any other way.  There is simplicity in open acknowledgment of each person's particular strengths.

With submission, it truly is a gift that has to be appreciated and nurtured.  In my life, it is not enough to just decree I lead and that is it.  Of course this creates a nuanced path that really takes work to get right.  As female leaders, it is our responsibility to nurture that gift. To demand submission or obedience as appropriate, but to also balance the rigors and realities of daily life.  It does require some training, whether in the form of specific tasks that are assigned and followed up on or in setting expectations of how to handle certain infractions, fights or daily life.  It can be daunting, without question.

I often get mired down in that and sometimes worry that we will stagnate because I forget it is constantly evolving and needs my investment.  I watch a reality TV show (do not judge me) called Arranged. And one of the couples is very young in the Gypsy life and he has been taught to believe he is now in control at the age of 18 simply because he is a man.  I am not passing any form of judgment on this way of life or mindset (though I CLEARLY do not believe that for me or my daughters), but I watched him tell his wife she just had to listen to him and it seemed so childish.  Not just because he is, in fact, a child, but at the idea that just saying the words is enough.  And for perpetuating the notion that leadership is just conferred, and there is no independent work to earn respect or to actually be a leader.

I agree that words are of critical importance in how domination or control is exercised and felt, and many specifically state that they need to hear/use words of power like Mistress, be reminded of who is in charge verbally as well, and most simply, be told something not asked.  But words alone will never be enough.  If someone is going to embark on this and try to elevate a relationship to play to each others strengths and best attributes, or otherwise create a more harmonious marriage, it takes action.  By both parties, but certainly in consistently leading, recognizing the control you have and developing the submission that has been given to you.

If you are going to do this, you have to do it every day.  That doesn't mean there cant be exceptions or you make the choice to not enforce something because of an extenuating circumstance, but the idea of this being only sometimes will never work.  It also really does have to be in each communication or action.  It does not always have to be a list of chores or an act of physical submission, but telling not asking, following up as necessary, and some reaffirmation of dominance has to become ingrained in most, if not all, daily life.

Now, the above is just my opinion.  It is what I tell myself to process this and get through each day. You also have to let go of what other people think you should do. I get caught in the but what if I am not doing it right conundrum all the damn time.  I need to stop.  A male blogger gave me a piece of critical advice that is important to share- in being a female leader, what is right is defined by you. It is not anyone else or any book or theoretical.  It is your path, your choice, your decision.  You just have to own it.

So those are my thoughts for today.  That this takes much more work than just giving orders, but also speaks deeply to emotional and physical needs of both parties and really should be defined by your particular relationship rather than any ideal construct.  I will do what I can to be more consistent in this blog.  If there are topic ideas, please let me know!