Parenting and a FLR

As readers of this blog are aware, I am not a believer in turning this on and off based on audience. While that is easier around adults, who often are self-absorbed and only really see things that directly impact them, it is different when dealing with children.  The question becomes how you maintain your FLR without making your husband look weak either as a man or a father.  Now, I do not think that making the choice to be a submissive husband shows any weakness--in fact, quite the opposite. It shows a dedication to his partner and a recognition of her being better able to lead and make choices. That is not weakness, but rather just good sense when that, in fact, is your chosen dynamic or reality. But do the conventions that still permeate society cast shadow on the beauty of that choice? Will older children look to a female led relationship as one of a weak father and overbearing mother or just accept it as the norm for this family? Will younger children model the mother's behavior and expect service from their father in the same or similar way?

In some ways, no matter what the acknowledged dynamic is, women often are responsible for the home and a de facto leader (at least in that space), whether or not anyone openly recognizes it. How many times do fathers say, ask your mother? Whether this is simply disinterest in making a choice, avoidance of a decision that may get overturned or a genuine deference to the mother, it does not really matter because it is ultimately creating an expectation the mother/female will have the final say.  Most people would not see a statement such as this as some acknowledgment of female authority or otherwise think this deviated much from the norm.  So if it is ok in that instance, why would it transform into weakness just because there is an open acknowledgment of her authority? I do not think it has to, but I struggle with making sure he does not feel that way and does not become marginalized in some way by the fact we openly agree I am in charge.

I am also not a believer in ultimate female superiority.  Each relationship is unique and there are certain people who simply are better suited for a female led dynamic.  So my take on how we do this does not stem from a place of believing men are inferior or born to serve.  This creates some complication in allowing a submissive husband to serve and take direction, but without impacting or undercutting his masculinity.  For me, this manifests in my husband remaining an active partner and being responsible for essentially running our house.  I do expect him to serve me and defer to me generally, but not to wait on me hand and foot, if that makes sense.  Of course, this creates its own set of issues because it is not per se black and white.  And as we get more comfortable with this, it now raises questions as to its impact on our family dynamic.

Our daughters are younger and are watching this relationship take shape.  As children are little sponges, I am observing how they are adapting to this dynamic in almost hyper speed.  As we spent this weekend together, I watched each of them ask only him for certain things--juice, snacks, whatever.  They tended not to ask me to do anything for them, but not in a disrespectful way.  More that they simply expected their father to be the one to assist them.  Part of that is just what dads do and he has always been active in their care, but it seemed more that they were aware of the fact he is the one to go to for these types of things exclusively now, whereas I am the one to come to for permission or a decision on something.

As we talked about that shift later in the evening, my husband made the excellent point that he did not want to end up a short order cook.  Just being given orders by an army of little females and essentially becoming a servant to them just because he is submissive to me.  I imagine other people in this lifestyle struggle with the same thing.  And it is something that requires real thought and attention, as it does not make sense to hide it from your children if you are really committed to this, but it obviously raises questions of allowing them to be part of this when they do not necessarily have the cognitive understanding to process its complexities.

During this conversation, I reminded him that in terms of service, it is really only to me.  As part of that, I do expect he will care for our children and attend to their needs, but not in the same way. Specifically, I think it is appropriate when he asks if anyone needs anything before he sits down, but I do not expect him to get up multiple times because each of them decides halfway through dinner that she wants milk or juice or whatever she did not want five minutes before when he asked.  I also want them to remain self-sufficient, and while I get to enjoy the privilege of a drink always being brought to me, I do not think they have earned that yet.  His service to me is a trade off of what we do, whereas they do not contribute in that manner or take on the responsibilities I have so it should necessarily be different.  He can pour them a drink, but my expectation is that most of the time, they will walk over to get it.  It is this balance that I have to further articulate/explore so that we do not hide what we do or that I am in charge, but that he remains a respected man and father.  I do not believe these are mutually exclusive at all, but there is some work that needs to go into how this is presented and represented to children to avoid that.  And while it is easier to address these subtleties when dealing with getting up from dinner or who gets juice, it undoubtedly will be much harder as this continues and they grow into young women.

At the end of the day, it is important for him to be strong in everyone's eyes without shifting our power dynamic or introducing ambiguity either between us or within our family.  Because our children are younger, I sense that they will just acclimate easier and come to expect who makes the decision without second thought because it is really all they know.  But I want to do it in a way that does not undercut his role as a father or a man.  For people who are open about this (either in word or deed) in front of their children, please share how you do it and how it has impacted the family dynamic.