I realized today when one of my favorite bloggers made reference to me as a former blogger, that time has (once again) played me. It has been way too long, but as work stress has been particularly acute, the creative part of my mind has been dormant. So here I am, back to blogging. I make no promises as to the interesting nature of this post or its coherency.
I actually have been so under water that I have not been keeping up on other blogs. I checked in on my staples today and realized femdom101 is on hiatus of sorts. I will say that Kathy's step back from this sphere is a loss, one in which I hope will be short lived. Her words have always been inspiring and led me to believe this could all be done with love, compassion and retention of intimacy. I hope she returns to the blogging world quickly. But, as she said, younger women should take up the cause too, so I thought I should try to do my part to keep these issues at the forefront. I am not quite so young, but I am certainly of a generation that perhaps idealized egalitarianism (at least politely), which (as I have blogged about before) seems to be somewhat unworkable and not very realistic. Just a nice concept that you raise when convenient.
In thinking about what to post tonight, several topics came to mind. We have a particular complication of significant travel, which breeds issues with consistency and maintaining day to day living of this. I also think feminization and orgasm control are probably things at some point that will come up. But tonight, I wanted to discuss the increasing normalcy (albeit unrecognized in most cases) of the FLR.
When we first started this, I thought it absolutely revolutionary. How could I possibly take on all of the decisions and be responsible for the final choice? How? I struggled immensely with the idea of breaking from what my generation espouses--equality, egalitarianism, and some concept of an equal marriage. Bullshit I say, as I do not think any relationship is ever really equal. Who can yell the loudest or exert the most emotional control is the same as directing a decision, but in a much much more destructive way. But as I worried about how to take all of this on, it dawned on me that in many ways, I was pretty much already doing it; but without the open acknowledgment that distinguishes these types of relationships. And that clarity of just admitting how this goes, is life changing.
Clearly I am not saying every relationship is necessarily female led or dominated. Not at all. But when you really think about the people you know or how their lives work, there is a far more prevalent group of people practicing this in some form or another than I ever thought. Perhaps it is just my circle, but I am amazed by the number of women I know who run their successful professional lives and home life in somewhat the same manner.
Division of labor has always been a norm. Women for many decades ran the home while the men worked, or back in the day, hunting v. gathering; each with its own critical role. While many see "women's work" as degrading or less than, I challenge that even the women in much more oppressive times were actually exerting control. In fact, many women were responsible for raising children, tending to the house, budgeting, etc. How can anyone say this is not leadership in some form or another? It may not be conventional, but a wife completely raising the children and running the house with overt decision making power in certain respects does not seem very passive to me.
Fast forwarding to now, many women I know do not even think twice about being in charge. Most would not go so far as to call it an FLR, but any time in this journey when I have explored any part of this with a female friend of mine, I usually get a response back that is something akin to "Duh, this is just how we do it." None of them would know or use the term FLR. They just live in worlds where they make many, if not all, of the decisions. They chalk it up to different skill sets or being more organized or whatever, but in reality, they make most of the decisions and decide how much input from their spouse that they want, if any at all. But ask any of them, and they will say the marriage is equal. I find it baffling to some extent, and wish women who genuinely lead could just embrace it, if that is what works for you and your husband. How it plays out in a particular relationship is obviously unique, but I have observed more and more that women are stepping up, but just do not take the final step of embracing it or acknowledging it.
As an anecdote, we were at dinner with my family a few weeks ago. My father's specialty is filling drinks but I have always seen this as something that he loves to do and so he chooses to do it. But as I sat there, watching my mother (who never worked outside the home, if it matters), tap her glass and say my father's name, he came right over, with a perfectly mixed cocktail he poured for her and my aunt. He is a highly accomplished professional, but as soon as she said his name, he had mixed a drink and headed right over. No request, no could you please, just the bald expectation he would care for her in this way and know what she needed/wanted. Now, maybe this means nothing and is just something he likes to do with booze. But it struck me that you never really know what goes on in a relationship, and that traditional roles really do not exist anymore.
Not everyone may be in this open of a female leading, but certainly more and more women are deciding to take control. So to the women out there who are considering this, I say--jump in. You probably are already doing most of it anyway, and the open acknowledgment of it makes it easier--for both of you. It takes out shifting expectations and hurt feelings. It is not without struggle or challenge, but why pretend you are being equal when it is not really that way at all? If he wants this, and you want to explore it, you should.
How many of you see the FLR or female dominated (however subtle) relationship unfolding in front of you? Is it because we are drawn to like mindeds or is it the start of a real shift? Just my thoughts on this Friday as I try to get back into the swing of blogging. Have a great weekend, everyone.
Rhiannon Ma'am it's great to see you posting again. I love seeing your thoughts and I agree with you. The leader in a relationship should take the lead and embrace it. I would love to read more on how you control your submissive. Do you give him maintenance spanking? Do you use butt plugs or strap on? Is he caged? Do you control his orgasms?
ReplyDeletearchedone
Excellent topic Rhiannon. Mistress K. and I will often play a game of "are they or aren't they", referring to whether they are openly living in a FLM or if just is that way and that they don't even know it.
ReplyDeleteBecause ever relationship is different, even openly acknowledged FLM's are feel, appear and be different. Some will be very vanilla marriages, with no formal hierarchy and no kink related ingredients like orgasm denial or punishments. Others (like mine) will be formally acknowledged (collared on my anniversary) and will include things like orgasm control/denial, spankings, rituals, etc., that are a constant reminder of the female authority of the relationship.
yes Rhiannon, I do believe that that there is a real shift toward FLM.
Thank you for a wonder topic.
Mistress, thank you so very much for posting. You provide a thoughtful perspective on this most vital aspect on modern relationships.
ReplyDeleteThank you also for mentioning the absense of Mistress Kathy. we miss her terribly and hope she will return soon.
jj
I would say that most of my "peers" growing up had girlfriends (that became wives) that largely ran the show at least from a social perspective. That is true in my marriage as well. My wife pretty much sets the agenda of where I need to be and so on, and I can look at Google calendar (what a great invention for families!) to know where I need to be.
ReplyDeleteI do all the cooking, not because it is submissive, but because I like to eat good food and am relatively skilled at it. You speak to division of labor, and in our case, I am way better at it than my wife.
We had to buy a car recently, and she completely dumped it on me. Had no interest in being involved, just insisted that it had plenty of cupholders (!). This was a little bit frustrating because I would have liked her to be more involved, as it is a big decision.
Sex-wise, she is 100% in charge, and that's how we both like it. She fully expects me to initiate sex and, to quote a popular book, she comes first. We have a ritual that I will ask her permission to come, and if she says no, I am not to question her decision at all. Although this comes in various waves, I am a much better husband to her when she denies me.
Your story about your dad made me chuckle.
One of the most erotic experiences we've had was when my wife's girlfriends were going out to celebrate a divorce. I was locked in my chastity cage and my wife went to take a nap before their big night out. I realized that my wife would be the DD, so I began cleaning her vehicle. The "double standard" of this was so erotic to me. My wife happily sleeping while I was doing an errand specifically for her. (in my view, being locked in the cage significantly enhanced this experience).
When her friends arrived, I made them all pre-party cocktails. Servicing these woman was a very erotic experience, knowing they were about to go out and party while I had to cook and clean for the kids. She got to play, and I had to work.
After playing with femdom for many years, and reflecting through my own blog, I realize that I am naturally submissive to my wife. It just makes sense to me, and it is who I am. I sometimes "wish" she would be more dominant, but she is who she is, and we are pretty settled in our roles - and the honesty of my wanting to submit to her has been very good for our relationship.
OMG this sounds so familiar - except the looking after the kids bit.
DeleteIt was a typo: I meant to say "favorite" blogger, not "former" blogger. :-)
ReplyDeleteI do think that it has become very prevalent for women to make a very large number of the day to day decisions. I had a discussion about this a year or so ago with a female friend, in the context of the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. I told her that I just didn't get why so many women seemed be attracted to a book where the female was supposed to be the sub, given that the entire history of human kind seemed to involve women being subjugated by men. Wouldn't they want to be in charge? She just rolled her eyes and said that she and all her friends already feel like they are too much in charge, carry too much responsibility compared to their husbands, with most of them both working and carrying most of the parenting burden.
What I think does distinguish the kind of FLR that you and I engage in is the discilplinary aspects, and also the the express agreement regarding the chain of command. Yes, in many modern relationships the woman makes many of the decisions, but what still is not very common (I think), is the woman being expressly identified as the final authority and enforcing that authority through spankng and other discipline.
And, by the way, it is great to have you back, blogging as often or as seldom as you can make it work.
Dan
Have been missing your posts, they're more far and few between...happy to see new blogs, thanks
ReplyDeletejh
Thank you, Goddess, for another thoughtful post. I love the anecdote about your father. That little quirk, if that's what it is, speaks volumes about the complexities of relationships, and yes, it may hint at something private that we can only speculate about. In my relationship that is precisely how my Mistress-girlfriend asks for a drink when people are visiting our home for dinner. One difference is that I have prepared the meal and will do all the cleaning up, too. When we are alone the dynamic expands -- I usually stand quietly nearby as she dines on the meal I have served and do not speak unless spoken to. I remain unobtrusive and attentive to her needs, rather than taking part in the meal. I eat after she does, often much later if She requires a foot rub or gives me some other command. But the dynamic is the same as the one you described with your parents -- my Mistress has power that I gladly submit to.
ReplyDeleteI am conscious, though, of breaking a taboo when I cook and clean in front of friends. Perhaps its my upbringing -- my own father would have never dreamed of such a thing -- or perhaps it is societal, or both. But even in an age when women are entering the work place in traditionally "male" roles or even gaining political power or elected office, traditional roles at home have remarkable staying power. Many women in my acquaintance have satisfying careers and even bring home most of the money, but they still take care of the children, do much of the cleaning, and put the meals on the table, too. Women may be outperforming men in some parts of the American workplace (though the pay gap is still embarrassing), but at best many of them only get "equality" at home, if they are lucky -- the guy condescends to clean one toilet while she cleans the other. And she'll do a third, too, because doing it yourself is easier than dealing with his attitude.
The beauty of FLR's, as they are developing right now, is the emphasis on planning. FLR's are self-conscious and deliberate. Roles are defined in a conscious way,with fairness tipped toward the female partner. Underlying that planning is the female perspective -- she is the one who directs the planning, and she has final say on what is fair and not fair. She leads, he follows. How it plays out of course varies from couple to couple. My Mistress's set of rules are likely not yours.
It follows, then, that just how much of "the patriarchy" can survive this planning process will vary from household to household. In my household, there is almost none, and I love it. I do all the housework, all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, everything. And I wait on her hand and foot. She is literally my Goddess. To me, total submission feels like penance for the sins of the past. It's a form of worship. And it fits my ideas of fairness and justice -- think globally, act locally.
It's like being a monk, with benefits. Because sex is part of it. But that's another topic.
Rhiannon, I'm with you here. I believe, actually that it has been an unrecognized "normal" for some time, and is rapidly evolving into a more and more recognized "normal". What a wonderful world that would be.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post because it is so true to life. When I read the post this morning I wondered why it had not received more attention, more comments from the guys.
ReplyDeleteLove, Kathy
Hi Rhiannon. Its good of you to share your thoughts again. My Mistress wife and i do miss Kathies blog for the reasons you give. She has been important to us in shaping our FLR . Your exploration of our lifestyle is different but equally valuable because we are not great in numbers and the feel of community you both bring strengthens us.
ReplyDeleteMistress and I constantly finding ourselves musing about who is the leader in the couples we meet. Thete is always one. They joke who wears the pants but you can always detect the undertone and the deliberate assertion of the HoH. Particularly where the woman is the leader. And sometimes the leash is suthorative and often its sexual. Whatever way it will be a blessing when they accept it and embrace it
Thanks again. Best wishes Mistress Di and Steve
Rhiannon, this is a great post for those of us starting down this path. My wife and I are easing into her assuming more control and direction in our marriage but as you point out many things interrupt and slow the process. My wife is a born leader and takes charge naturally. We are crafting a wife centric relationship. My submissiveness is growing and she seems to enjoy it but she clings to notions of "equality". I hope we'll get over that issue soon. Keep up the insightful posts.
ReplyDelete"As an anecdote, we were at dinner with my family a few weeks ago. My father's specialty is filling drinks but I have always seen this as something that he loves to do and so he chooses to do it. But as I sat there, watching my mother (who never worked outside the home, if it matters), tap her glass and say my father's name, he came right over, with a perfectly mixed cocktail he poured for her and my aunt. He is a highly accomplished professional, but as soon as she said his name, he had mixed a drink and headed right over. No request, no could you please, just the bald expectation he would care for her in this way and know what she needed/wanted."
ReplyDeleteGenerally , Rhiannon communication means different thing to men and women, generally for men communication is only for information exchange and nothing more , for women (uh It is hard to express myself in English) it has some kind of social
value.
"Not everyone may be in this open of a female leading, but certainly more and more women are deciding to take control. So to the women out there who are considering this, I say--jump in. "
I agree, now generally. why is this?Lack of male dominance.The thing what causes male dominance, in many parts of the world is disapearing, these things are especially in childhood fear, economic hardships, danger.So the last century economic and social development, in many places in the world destroyed the things that made men dominant, that dominance sometimes felt by woman as opressive like men closed women into the house.How will be in the future well I hope there won't be wars, and the living standards rather go up than down, but if this will be true, women will have to become the dominant gender because in full comfort and safety, in the future very few men will have dominant tendencies.
Sorry if I bored you with scientific stuff.
I have a wonderful wife that I have discovered likes to be in charge.
ReplyDeleteOver the years of our marriage I have tried to be submissive to her and that was a BIG mistake as she wants a man as her husband.
So I tried to start doing more of the house work along with earning a living. When she would be late coming home from her own job the evening meal would be all ready for her to sit down and eat.
I have the bad habit of cashing checks for cash out of our joint checking account. Sometimes close to a thousand dollars a month for my toys. I guess it was my secret purchase accounts as where I spent it was not on any bank check or CC.
One day a box came in the mail and when she opened it there was a clear container with a time locking laid ontop that would lock for ten days at a time. All my credit cards are in this box now while it sits on the kitchen cabinet in plain sight of anyone that sits in our kitchen. I am now given a allowance each month in cash. If I spend it too fast I spend the rest of the month broke. After work I have no reason to go to the car shops or hardware stores as I can't afford much anyways.
You may think I would feel this is terrible but it has saved us lots of money and at times it is hard for me to pass things up but it has taken a bad habit away from me and has freed me from this curse.
Do some people know of our WLM? I am sure some of my wife's friends have asked about the clear box with my five credit cards on display while drinking coffee in our kitchen and I have noticed a different look from some of them when we go out to eat together and the wife pays the bill for me. I get that knowing smile.
The comments are almost as illuminating as the original post, and most made me think of our FLR. I've started thinking in terms of "asymmetric relationships" and if implicit FLRs (iFLR).
ReplyDeleteYou certainly see a lot of the latter, I think because one the one hand women often have higher domestic standards and are usually the gatekeepers for sex, and on the other, some men never quite lose that sense of gratitude - "OMG I have a real woman in my life!" I also strongly suspect that some kind of evolutionary psychology is at work.
As regards FLR becoming mainstream, I have blogged my own thoughts here: http://becomeherslave.blogspot.co.uk/2014/09/how-female-led-relationships-could-go.html
I suspect I shall reread this post and the comments and write a follow up...