Monday, July 20, 2015

Operation Boss Lady

I committed in my last post to try making simple choices and following through.  I started with one decision at a time, made the best decision in the moment and did not back down from it.  It has been about 10 days and I think "Operation Boss Lady" is going relatively well.

As readers of this blog know, I often struggle with balance or worrying about my husband feeling something is unfair or that it could be "too much."  The vast majority of contributors all suggest just taking control, owning it and acknowledging that while resistance or "unfairness" may happen, it is kind of what we each signed up for in deciding to walk this path.  In fact, my husband does not want an equal relationship. He wants me to lead. So in spending countless time and energy trying to make it seem or feel equal or worrying too much about the impact something will have, I am really just spinning my wheels and depriving us both of what we actually need/want. It was this realization that got me back on the path of leading.

While I feared increased control or strictness could breed resentment, it has the opposite effect.  He needs the structure and the clarity. He needs the consistency and knowing what is expected. I also think, although probably less so in the moment, that he craves the accountability as well.  Being in this type of relationship really requires some shifts in conventional thinking and finding ways to make sense of concepts that perhaps seem counter intuitive.  It is the difference between viewing follow up as being a nag or as holding him accountable.

It also is not just better for him. It is better for me.  It is easier for me to know that when I make a decision, it will be followed because I am not leaving room for resistance. It is also easier because I have control over my own life and can be responsible for the choices I make, which also means I have no one to blame but myself if it turns out not to be the best choice.  It is just simpler and easier.

So I say to all of the hesitant women out there, just own it. Even if just for a few days or a few weeks, commit to making the decisions, leading and holding him accountable so you both get some traction. My guess is that it will reap positive rewards because he will react well to the structure and consistency, which then provides confidence that can be hard to come by when first starting out on this.  When you can see the positive changes in behavior and the lack of resistance you feared, each choice or action becomes just a little easier the next time.  Sometimes you really have to fake it until you make it.

It is also nice to know that you are not alone.  As much as I have appreciated all of the comments, the ones that have meant the most to me are those that recognize this is neither easy nor perfect.  Yes, it is ideal to be in a relationship where it all just works in perfect harmony and each embraces the role chosen with flawless perfection.  I am happy for each of you that claims to have that type of completely linear path.  That rainbow covered cave full of unicorns just does not exist for me and putting that unattainable requirement of at or near perfect all the time just exhausts me.

We each do the best we can, and some days it is better than others.  But just knowing that you can stumble or be uncertain about your footing and still come back or make a different choice the next day to get back on the path is heartening.  So even if there is a day your leadership was not as strong or your submission was colored by emotional reactions or otherwise not what would be ideal for you or your Mistress, try again. Make a simple choice- be it to lead or to follow and keep repeating.

41 comments:

  1. Thank you, my loving Mistress Wife, for leading me on this journey. And to all of you who comment for your support.

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  2. Thank you, my love, for the gift of your submission

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  3. This is a beautiful post. What you express is what so many of us are trying to achieve. You acknowledge bumps along the way, but you prevail. That's a central truth of any relationship. Many of us, myself included, can imply or depict FLR's that are "rainbow colored caves full of unicorns," but the reality is messy sometimes. From my perspective as a reader and as a submissive, the core message here is in these lines: "While I feared increased control or strictness could breed resentment, it has the opposite effect. He needs the structure." That's the holy grail of an FLR, the test. If a man is truly submissive, he will respond the way you describe. Just a beautiful post! Thank You!!

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    1. Thanks, Brian. It is important to me to depict this accurately and to share the triumphs and failures along the way. My hope is as a community, we can help each other learn.

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  4. Congratulations, you've taken a giant step towards what you both want. I can tell you from experience that men need to be held accountable and disciplined for their mistakes. And that a few rules and protocols will help cement what you've achieved. If you haven't established any, you should consider it, and expect to see him respond even better and faster.

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  5. Thanks, Sandra. I agree completely that the accountability and discipline is making a big difference. We do have rules in place and I am trying to keep on top of them to make this as successful as possible. Having standard protocols really has helped immensely.

    Do you have any core rules/protocols you would be willing to share?

    As always, thanks for your insightful and helpful post!

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  6. Can't add much to this insightful entry and the comments here. I definitely agree that once a woman understands that a man wants her to be in charge, that he needs the structure, accountability, and discipline she provides, then she need no longer worry about being unfair or causing resentment. I really feel closer to my wife since she embraced FLR, and I think she feeds off my renewed commitment and desire to make her happy. I admit I'm not the ideal husband. In the beginning of our FLR, I had to focus on a subconscious tendency to "grade" her in terms of how I think she should be or act. That's definitely not my place, and it's insulting as hell besides. I think the difference in our age and size (I'm older and a lot taller) induced me to want to play teacher or mentor. I'm getting that under control, however, and my wife is to the point where she doesn't let me get away with much.

    As Sandra said, rules and protocols are important. If I could chime in on the protocol aspect. My wife came up with this and I can only say it has really helped me become a better husband. Every Friday night we schedule an hour for a candid talk. She goes first, talking about whatever happened during the week, good and bad, regarding me or whatever is on her mind. Then I respond, sticking to whatever she brouught up. Then I'm allowed to speak, candidly but respectfully. She'll respond to whatever issues I raise. She'll go over my conduct for the week, telling me what I did right and wrong, what was annoying, disrespectful, what I should have noticed but didn't, etc. I'll try to defend myself, again, being super-respectful. Afterward, she tells me whether and how I'll be held accountable, disciplined, or rewarded as the case may be. We do this on Friday so the air will be cleared for a great weekend. I take my reward or punishment, and we have good times together as wife and husband. It doesn't solve everything but it keeps unspoken resentments on both sides from building up.

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    1. Thanks, David. I appreciate your insight on this issue and how it is handled in your home. Certainly that can be a struggle to not indirectly try to guide it, but it sounds like you are working to have it under control. It is also the female responsibility to correct that as well. There are times and places for collaboration and there are also certain paths or expectations the submissive has entrusted his leader to direct. Finding those things just takes time I think.

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  7. What a wonderfully written post. The practicable advice giving is just so helpful. Thank you for sharing and congratulations on the happy growth you are obviously enjoying.

    SHIP

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    1. Hi SHIP~ Glad to see you back! Thanks for your kind words. Please always feel free to contribute!!

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  8. Rhiannon

    The nature of the beast is that a leader will make mistakes or otherwise be uncertain in the use of her authority but it matters less - that is her privilege. It is certainly not the place of the submissive male to complain!

    On the other hand, it has to be a more serious matter if the stumbling from the path is the fault of the one whose role it is to obey and submit without resistance. Sandra speaks of rules and protocols, which is something that my wife would totally endorse. Slip from the path and I will be corrected - the rule is clear and we both know where we stand; let it pass and we both know that it will end as another time-consuming step backwards in what we have built together.

    Fair? No, not in the sense of equal, not at all. But that's the point - responsibility comes with certain privileges. Duty, by contrast, is absolute.

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    1. Hi James. Thanks for contributing! Your last sentence is a great way of crystallizing how this should be. Looking forward to hearing more from you in the future.

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  9. Ive been married to my new wife for 2 years now, and recently 2 months ago showed her some Bible Quotes that I should submit to her.

    Serve Your Wife

    I know this will shock some people, but the Bible does say that we are to serve our wives.
    Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,
    The New King James Version. 1982 (Ephesians 5:25). Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

    Love your wife unconditionally. Ephesians 5:25

    Serve your wife. According to the New Testament, being head of your wife does not mean being her master, but her servant. Again, Christ is our model for this type of leadership. Jesus did not just talk about serving; He demonstrated it when he washed His disciples' feet (John 13:1-17). Christ, the Head of the Church, took on the very nature of a servant when He was made in human likeness (Philippians 2:7).


    She likes the idea very much now.. Thank God! I tell her every morning and night that I submit to her and she likes it.. We are both new to it.. Im starting to make the coffee now in the mornings and doing things around t house as well.. to show her respect.

    I want her to know im her property now and I will do anything she wants, but that's hard for me to tell her... Im hoping she will come around soon, and control me better.. hehehe

    sometimes im frustrated from my day, and she asks me why I don't submit to her.. so that makes me happy she questions me.. I submit to her when she asks me

    Anything I can do to speed things up?

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    1. Carpadeim, thanks for contributing! I am not sure I can really tell you how to speed things up. She has to really want it/own it for this to work as well. Certainly continuing to be respectful and submissive in each act (or your best efforts to) may help encourage her to take more control. In addition, I suggest speaking frankly with her as to how you feel about this. Honesty and communication are very important parts of this.

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  10. I come at this lifestyle from a different direction because I am a Dom with a submissive woman in my life but just wanted you to know I think you are doing very well in training him to be submissive. I see you said in a previous post that you have a daily ritual of discipline spankings and I think that is an excellent idea to keep him focused and submissive. Are you thinking about putting him in a chastity device to make him feel more controlled?

    FD

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    1. Thanks, FD. Glad you stopped by! Please feel free to keep contributing.

      I am not really, although I know that many people are firm believers in it. I would love to hear your perspective on it if you have one.

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    2. Hi Mistress Rhiannon,

      LadyM over at http://monkeyinacage.fetblogger.com would be someone worth discussing chastity with. She also has other links from her blogs in male chastity. DtBHC

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  11. Hi Mistress Rhiannon

    I think you capture the struggle that many wives go through as they start out on this journey very well. Concern about fairness is one that surfaces from time to time in our relationship and can lead to questioning of the power dynamic.

    The way I see it is this depends upon where you measure. As you point out, both partners benefit from the relationship so at the macro level the outcomes are fair to each person and the net result for the relationship is positive. Its only if you measure at a component level that it looks unfair which can be misleading and cause unnecessary worry. I think you are doing a wonderful job of leading and your writing about your journey helps others. DtBHC.

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    1. Thanks, DtBHC! I really appreciate the comments and thoughtfulness. I am glad to be helping, and I think this dialogue through comments, etc. is also incredibly helpful and enlightening. The macro view of this is really the best way to conceptualize.

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    2. As much as i'd like fairness, sometimes the Wife enforcing things in a more imbalanced way reinforces things well, and can be exciting (at times) as well.
      sara e

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  12. Every femdom relationship should have a set of rules and protocols that are on automatic. Meaning they become part of daily life without having to be mentioned over and over again. These are just done, whether femdom is front and center or not. They are performed by the man and expected by the woman, no excuses. Of course there are exceptions, for instance, when vanilla friends or family are present. I've learned that these rules/protocols are not a one size fits all. They must be tailored to the couple and to the goals they or at least the woman has set for the relationship. Before giving any advice on this or any other aspect of femdom. It is always a good idea to know the goals and expectations that have been set. Even though as things progress those goals are subject to change as the relationship grows. Also, how the rules are enforced is as important as having the right rules/protocols in place.

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    1. Thanks, Sandra. Really appreciate your insight and contribution.

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  13. Not sure if this is for everyone, but it works for me, and it seems to work for my daughter. When you give your husband an assignment have him repeat the details back to you. For example, if you give him instructions to clean the guest bath room have him repeat back to you the details of what he is supposed to do. Be specific with questions like what is your job for the evening? When will you do it? Is there any reason why you can't clean the bathroom this evening? If you send him to the grocery have him repeat back to you the items he is to purchase. Or, on Saturday morning have him repeat back to you his list of chores for the day.

    My daughter has become amazingly good with this technique. It helps a man internalize your instructions. It also makes it clear to him that you are indeed his 'boss lady', and you are confident in that position. If you see any hesitancy in his attitude, come out and ask him who is his mistress. Ask him directly who is the little slave boy is in the house or what ever term you use for him. Then ask him something like what are the duties of the slave boy. Most submissive men respond well to this direct type of questioning.

    Of course tailor the questions to your needs and comfort level, but the important feature of this techniques is that husband repeats back to you everything you tell him. And, I like to hear something form a man such as 'thank you ma'am for allowing me to serve you', or 'thank you mistress for allowing me the privilege of being your slave boy'. One mistake women make is to sometimes thank a man for doing a job.
    You might say something like 'good boy' or whatever, but remember it is up to the guy to thank you for being allowed to serve. This is a concept that my daughter had trouble with for quite some time.

    Love, Kathy

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    1. This! "One mistake women make is to sometimes thank a man for doing a job.". It seems trivial but so important. It is my privilege to perform tasks/complete assigned duties that my wife wants done. Direct me when needed, guide me when necessary, but don't thank me for doing what my role and position requires me to do.

      Instead of thanking me, tell me you are pleased if I have done well, correct me if I have not met your exceptions, and punish me if my behaviour warrants it.

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    2. Thanks, Ryan and Kathy. It certainly takes to time to get out of thanking but I certainly understand the premise, and that it is helpful to the overall dynamic. Thanks to you both for sharing

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    3. As always, Kathy makes a great contribution. This would be effective here, must share with my Wife. sara e

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  14. Thanks, Kathy. That is great practical advice. I think the last point of thanking for being allowed to serve is certainly a concept I struggle with as well, though I see and understand the point. Will have to explore that going forward.

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  15. Mistress Rhiannon,
    I think it is clear by your husbands post you should continue to day 20 operation boss lady! To my knowledge this is his first post. Way to go!

    In Awe of Rhiannon

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    1. Thanks. I am hoping to keep up this streak for awhile. Each day it becomes more routine, which is why I suggest to the hesitant women to just take it in short increments initially until it becomes more rote.

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  16. Thanks for sharing what you have accomplished .I'm sure this is just the beginning of a wonder relationship you two will share together. RR

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    1. Thanks, RR. This is certainly a journey and has really helped our relationship grow and develop in a positive manner. One of the things I like best about the FLR is that we both are really committed to growing and being the best versions of ourselves we can be. It just so happens that this is the best way to accomplish that and meet both of our needs.

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  17. Thank you for your great insights. Could you share what some of your decisions/tasks for which you have held your husband accountable?
    TV

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    1. Hi TV, thanks for contributing! I will probably do a lengthlier post about this because I think exploring the protocols/rituals are helpful (and I am interested to hear what others do as well), but generally, he is responsible for the house. He travels a lot so before he leaves, he makes sure he has gotten the groceries or household items I might need, that they are where I like them, etc. He is also responsible for packing and unpacking me before any trips-it is a nice reminder that he is still caring for me even if we are apart. He is also responsible for various tasks like making coffee every morning, making our daughter's lunch, taking out the trash, etc. He also typically drives everywhere.

      On the decisions, that might be harder to answer. I expect he will follow what I decide. With very very rare exception, he always does what I have decided. If he did not, it would be an issue (severity obviously depending on circumstance)

      Do you have any accountability thoughts to share?

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    2. Thank you.
      Tasks for which my wife hold me accountable include
      Doing the dishes nightly and keeping the kitchen clean
      Making our bed daily
      Making sure her water bottle is filled and at her night stand
      Keeping her car filled w gas
      Not drinking without her permission
      Offering her foot massages daily
      Greeting her when leaving or returning by kneeling, kissing her feet, and remaining prone position until given permission to rise

      I find great comfort in these protocols as they seem to provide us with tangible manifestations of our FLR.

      Sorry for my tardiness in replying
      TV

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    3. Thanks, TV. WE have a set standard of things as well, and I find having those makes it easier to have a routine. Appreciate you sharing your list

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  18. Great post! We woke today and Katie told me, "maybe if we both go at the tile floor we can get it done quickly." Now, we have quite a bit of tile in our house and cleaning it meant scrubbing on hands and knees. After we both moved chairs into adjacent rooms and I filled a tub with hot water and vinegar and got towels and a scrub brush Katie said, "well, I guess I'll go take a shower."
    I smiled knowing she had decided to leave the hard work to me and not bother herself with being a part of it. It took me at least two hours on my knees (wearing the knee pads she had put in my stocking some years ago just for this purpose) before I finished.
    My point here is I believe she was feeling a bit bad about telling me she wanted me to do the floor but as the project ensued she came to the conclusion that she didn't need to help since he had a sub to do this for her. After four years she still is getting use to being the dominant and having to deal with the inequality of our relational dynamics.

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  19. Thanks, I'm Hers! It certainly does take some time to get used to being dominant and it is not always linear. But, that moment when I realize he will do something I have decided I do not want to, is awesome! Sometimes I do not think to just have him do things, but I am trying to be better about that, as he does seem to derive genuine pleasure from serving.

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  20. I am really enjoying your blog posts. I stumbled upon this blog only recently. Specifically, you seem to write from a real place and are discussing a real relationship. I'm not judging, but so many blogs about the FLR dynamic seem to be more about titillating the reader with kink. Some of these writings, while sometimes entertaining, I judge to be at least partially fabricated fantasies of the writer(s). There's nothing wrong with that and I'm as fond of being titillated as the next guy. However, what I've read here speaks to issues and situations that are practical. I read this as nuts and bolts practical thinking along with thoughts on your own personal trials around the development and improvement of your own relationship.. I'm sure others have had some of the same thoughts and adjustments to make as you've written about, in trying to develop or maintain a working relationship that is female led. Thank you for your thoughts and the sharing of same. I hope you can continue to find the time to add more writing here going forward.

    B

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  21. I've really enjoyed reading some of your blog posts over the last few days. I find your realistic approach to be interesting, thought provoking and informative. It's been helpful to read your perspective while sorting through my own thoughts and experiences. A lot of blogs on this FLR subject seem to be primarily about kink and primarily for the titillation of the reader. I wonder about the truth behind these kinds of blogs or if some of this isn't just based on the fantasies of the writers. There is nothing wrong with that; I can enjoy that as much as the next guy. However, I was pleased to find something that seems real. Your thinking seems to be logical and like you're really trying to figure this out and fit it into the rest of your real world life. I am finding that helpful to read. I hope you find the time to continue and write more going forward.

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  22. Hi B, Thanks for stopping by. I certainly hope you will consider contributing in the future. I appreciate the kind words that this is realistic. I certainly try to make it such. This is a new journey and an incredibly complicated one, and I am trying to honestly represent what we are doing. So many marriages could benefit from this (IMO), but it can be scary. So I am trying to help where I can, just as reading certain blogs really helped me to get my footing.

    Please keep contributing!

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