Today I thought we would discuss the concept of what is "right," and why trying to find that in a FLR (or otherwise) is useless. I hate this phrase in any application. Even in a non-FLR context, the concept of what is right or correct is so uniquely personal that trying to fit into some mold or societal construction will only cause you pain and make you question your own path. Look at how society has changed in the past few decades--what was right even a few years ago could now seem outdated and archaic. Trying to do a one size fits all is destructive and misses the nuances of what this type of relationship should be.
When I first started this journey, I was desperate for answers and some sort of playbook of what I should do. While I certainly am thankful for guidance or perspective in finding this path, trying to fit my own relationship into what others do just does not make sense. For example, I do not cage my husband nor do I necessarily think I would. There are some purists who would see this as a failing on my part as a leader or not recognizing he should or needs to be caged. While that is perfectly fine for someone who chooses that, it is not my choice to do so. But that does not mean I am weak or he is less of a submissive. In fact, it means I am strong enough to make my own decisions about what I want my FLR to look like. Which is quite literally what a female leader should do.
Similarly, my husband once read several articles taking the position that cuckholding was necessary to truly accepting submission. He worried for some time that me not having any interest in that meant he could not truly be submissive. I, however, vehemently disagree. I value specific things in his submission, but being ok with me being with another man is just not one of them. In fact, I have no interest nor do I think that would enhance my particular brand of dominance. So it is a hard limit for me. I do not say this to judge anyone who believes that or thinks it works (because I do not- live your lives, do what makes you happy), but it is important to note that what works for some does not mean it has to work for you. And not doing something someone else thinks is important does not mean what you choose is any less right for you.
Particularly when first starting out, the tendency is to worry you are not doing what is right or that you are not somehow immediately understanding every possible permutation of this complicated life. It is pretty unfair to expect someone new to this could ever figure it all out immediately, and in fact, it is likely always an evolution so nothing will ever be unequivocally "right." I guess my point is that if you are starting out, or even if you have been practicing for some time, do not try to have all the answers. Do not try to fit your FLR to some "norm," as no norm exists.
Each relationship is different. Some people use DD as punishment and some do not; some have chore lists and some just expect it to be done; some require use of a title like Mistress while others do not need that or like it; some believe the female driving shows leadership whereas others see him driving as a form of submission; some control money or privacy much more than others, and the list of differences could keep an FLR encyclopedia salesmen busy like it was the 80s.
Here, what is important to remember is that what is right is specific to each relationship. It is something you, as a leader, have to figure out--what works for you and what is important to you? How do you want to discipline or assign chores or run your house? And similarly, what works for your submissive husband? What is the way he feels most submissive, what does he react best to, etc. I do not mean to suggest you cannot learn things from others; rather, I believe the opposite is true. I enjoy learning from others or hearing what other people do, but trying to measure myself against what some other leader does gets me nowhere. We should rely on each other for guidance and perspective but not that one true path exists.
In earlier posts I talked about just deciding to lead for a specific period of time and kind of running with it. I think this is the best way to start. Decide to lead and lead-- in a way that works best for your family, not some archetypal female led relationship. And while so many in this community have excellent insights into what works for them, or what has been difficult, ultimately your journey is your own.
I encourage all of us to communicate and discuss different trial/tribulations/things that work because there are so many fascinating perspectives that can help you to be better/stronger/more submissive (whichever perspective). But, I recommend not getting caught up or discouraged when what you do or works for you may not be what works for everyone else. One size fits all works for panty hose (usually), not a serious adult relationship involving very personal needs and desires. So figure out what you want/need and forge your own path. Don't get bogged down in following what is "right."
Awesome observations! I think concerns about "am I doing this right" probably wreck or inhibit more fledgling FLR and DD relationships than any other factor. And lots of other human endeavors as well. It's not like there is some official FLR society that issues a standard set of protocols and that they take away your membership plaque if you don't do something according to the protocol. There are not a lot of thing that will get a rise out of me on my blog, but one of them is commenters who suggest there is only one right way to do this lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Dan! I think trying to measure a relationship against what others do is very detrimental and really does not account for the specific people in the actual relationship.
ReplyDeleteA very insightful post. This is the way it is for most all of our lives, FLR or not. Worrying if we are doing things "right' so often paralyzes us from moving forward. Many times the need is to just step out, doing what works for us, even if it not what others are doing.
ReplyDeleteDLsKnight, I agree with that completely. The concept of what is "right" is exactly that- paralyzing. And frankly, so constantly changing depending on audience, etc. that there is really no reason to spend time worrying about it. While it is easier in my day to day life where I already am pretty grounded in what I do/feel, I found it much harder to not get sucked into that path to nowhere with respect to the FLR. I assumed because so many others have such strict beliefs that they had to know something I did not. But, as someone very insightful pointed out to me, in this type of relationship, it is my version of right that matters.
DeleteA wonderful entry that speaks to everyone. Thanks
ReplyDeleteThanks, Anonymous. Hope you will continue to drop by
DeleteMistress Rhiannon,
ReplyDeleteI think it is safe to say you have reached some form of self realization. Very impressive and you growth is amazing!
In Awe of Rhiannon
In awe, thanks for the kind words. It is certainly a journey, and not in any way linear.
DeleteGreat post..And and good information... I always enjoy reading your blog no matter how long in between posts...RR
ReplyDeleteRR, thanks for sticking with it!
DeleteGood observations, once again. Thank you. Sometimes I wonder why there are so many strong opinions about what must or must not be done in an FLR. Maybe it is because some of what we read online about "femdom" and even about "FLR" is written by guys who get a bit carried away by fantasies. In some cases outright fiction masquerades as real life, with the male author claiming to be a dominant wife. That can be porny hot, but it is fantasy.
ReplyDeleteBut there are plenty of real life blogs that clearly are written by real people. Some of those are written by people associated with the leather or pro-Domme communities, which tend to be protocol driven, with lots of rules. All that is fine and dandy and fun. Then there are blogs by real people living a new kind of life centered around an empowered wife and a submissive husband, this blog being one of the best. Even so, all that online chatter about how this must be or must not be done is like a maze that can be a little blinding at times. That's why this post (and this whole blog) is such a breath of fresh air. In my relationship we've learned to be very careful when ideas from my old fantasy life or from porn start to rear their little heads. Our relationship works best when we focus on romantic love. For us "The Goddess" -- not male-centered BDSM fantasies or pro-Domme practices -- is front and center.
I appreciate your kind words, Brian. I do try to be very honest and transparent about what we are experiencing. Certainly a straight up erotic blog would be easier in some ways to write, but I am genuinely trying to chronicle our journey and learn from it, as well as others, as we go on. I agree completely that the best focus is on romantic love. I also like to believe we are both trying to grow and develop into the best versions of ourselves, so I try to keep that in mind as my ultimate path.
ReplyDeleteI hope you'll write a book one day. You have a great story and a talent with words. There is a book called "The Hesitant Mistress: A Guide to Claiming Your Feminine Power" by someone named Dvanna Hightower. I cannot recommend it enough. It is the best book on FLR's that I have encountered. It is written like a self-help book, in a way, but don't let that turn you away. It is addressed to women in an effort to connect them to their own power without feeling obligated to fall into "dressing like a whip-cracking bitch" mode. I think it is brilliant. I am planning to ask my Mistress permission to give her a copy. (I'll have to admit that I've been secretly reading!! Yikes!!)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Brian. It is actually on my list as a thing to do. We will see if I can manage it, but given what I have read and how poor most of the content is in published works, seems to be something that could be done!
ReplyDeleteThere's no doubt that you're right, Rhiannon. We'd all go mad if we tried to adhere to some nebulous FLR Charter, if only because we're all far too different as personalities to fit into any sort of straitjacket!
ReplyDeleteThat said, there are certain aspects of the process that need to be common to any FLR if it is to work properly. This has occurred to me repeatedly over the past few weeks, during which the children have been on what has seemed like a never-ending vacation. Number one may seem obvious but bears contant re-emphasis: it is a man's place to submit to his wife (or partner). No ifs, buts, excuses or caveats. Of course life is full, tiring, occasionally annoying and the tempation can sometimes be to go our own way, regardless of the wishes or instructions of our superior women.
When things don't quite go right, I know that 99% of the time, it is my fault. Keeping me on the straight and narrow should be mostly my responsibility - I'm an adult as well, after all. However, I do believe that our FLR is at its most successful when my own efforts are reinforced, both positively and negatively by the wisdom and experience of my wife. The form that this takes will be different for all of us; there could never be a successful guide-book for that. It is remarkable, though, how often the same little road-blocks seem to crop up in the FLRs of most of us, different as we all are. That's where a blog such as yours, or a random comment from one of your respondents can provide a light-bulb moment which helps with my daily life.
I don't look for a facsimile of someone else's FLR. I definitely don't have a monopoly on wisdom about how to live it, though, and so many times, the experiences of others have shown me a better way of accepting and living my life of willing submission.
Thanks, James. Reinforcement is certainly something that is a critical guidepost. It is probably the times when it is the hardest to do (work, kids, etc) that are the most important times to do it.
DeleteHow does reinforcement work best for you?
Rhiannon
DeleteI guess that the best answer is that reinforcement works best for me in whatever way that my wife decides that it should!
She knows me so well, you see, that she is rarely wrong, whether she chooses positive or negative reinforcement of her authority. There are times when she will praise me for my work around the house, my attentiveness or simply because she feels like it. She may even permit me an evening out with my friends to emphasise the fact that she is pleased with me. On those occasions, I feel almost absurdly satisfied, as though I have accomplished something particularly special.
On the other hand, my wife is alive to those occasions and situations when she knows that my mind is not where it should be or that I am not, for whatever reason, "in my place". The appropriate sanction will invariably follow. Absent-mindedly sitting in her chair was dealt with by an hour at her feet, serving as a foot-stool. "Smart" or inappropriate remarks or backchat receive the old-fashioned remedy of a mouth washed out with soap, followed by the possibly more modern solution of having a gag locked on for an hour. She rarely needs to resort to corporal punishment these days, mostly because she has demonstrated by example, or reinforcement, how unpleasant the consequences can be for me.
And this is the point, of course. Reinforcement is all about encouraging the right behaviour. That means jumping on male ego when it rears its ugly head and offering praise where it's due for doing things the correct way. My wife believes that the process is not so very different from training a dog - reinforcing her authority leads to a happy home life!
Thanks for sharing, James. I can certainly see the benefits of all of those things, and I do like the punishment to have some connection to whatever the infraction was.
DeleteI agree with every word here, there is no one way or the highway to success in this lifestyle. Each couple should decide on a mutual goal, and have some idea as to where they want to be in five years. Then a rough outline on how they are going to get there. And what they want to incorporate into their relationship, what they are curious about and what they won't do. Realizing that along the way things will probably change and so plans will be changed. And that what you end up with may not be much like what you envisioned in the begining. So be open to different ideas and remain flexible. And keep in mind that even though there is no one way to do this. Once a course of action is decided on, a couple can make mistakes that will make reaching the goals they set for their relationship much harder or impossible.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sandra. I agree there needs to be some general parameters but the nuances have to be true to each relationship. Are there any particular mistakes you think are most likely to cause difficulty in reaching goals?
ReplyDeleteI have a question. But first, thank you for your blog. It's insightful and interesting. Now, here goes. My wife and I have what we call an agreement. We are into this FLR agreement for about six years. It waxes and wanes, as you have discussed. I know the main responsibility falls to me to keep it going. She will take the lead, but even when we're "on", she isn't the bossy lady I wish her to be. I fall short a lot too, especially recently. Back talk, mainly, and a failure to put her first. Yesterday, she said the agreement is a farce, essentially. I know there isn't one single way of living an FLR, but do you have advice for me to make it good again? Does back talk kill it for you? I think I know the answer, but thought I'd bounce it off someone open and experienced like you. Thanks in advance.
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous, thanks for contributing. I appreciate you think I am experienced, but I admit that this is barely a year old for me so I am pretty new at this. Nonetheless, I will tell you what I think and I know there are others who have practiced much longer that may have some words of wisdom too.
DeleteThe first issue is looking at why you are doing the back talk or not putting her first. If you are doing it to get her attention to essentially force her to lead, you really need to try a different tactic. You should try discussing it with her and why you think your behavior is what it is, and perhaps show her your desire to have this work again as it had.
You both have responsibilities in this and I know my husband struggles when I am not consistently enforcing or being lax sometimes then others not. He handles it well usually but I know he would prefer if I keep this more consistent.
You both have to be committed to this, in very different ways. I suggest you ask to speak to her, do so respectfully and tell her what is going on. She will likely evaluate the information and make the decision she believes is best.
I also find consistent discipline helps get back on track.
Good luck.
So far the agreement my Mistress and I have is working fairly well, but not because she "enforces" it. We went into it with the notion that it is a set of guidelines for my behavior, and it is "self-policing," in a way. That is, I follow the guidelines whether she makes me or not. In fact, a stated purpose of our agreement is to keep her from having to constantly supervise my behavior and constantly issue orders. Chores and expected behavior are all laid out in the agreement. If I fail in some way (and I do, more often that I like to admit) it is up to me to confess, and to request discipline. She can punish me or not -- it isn't my choice. I have learned to accept that the rules are for me, not her. Built into the rules are things that keep an erotic edge on our daily lives, but again, the purpose is not to fulfill my submissive sexual fantasies. The purpose really is to serve my Mistress and put her first in my life. This works for us very well. And I stay erotically engaged with things like doing laundry, Weird.
DeleteThanks, Brian. This fits nicely into the post I just wrote. Do you keep a written account or is it a set meeting time?
ReplyDeleteI do not keep a written account. Each night after she has settled into bed I kneel and ask permission to speak about my day. Usually she grants permission, so I make my confession then. After confessing I am required to request punishment. She may punish me right away if she wants, or she may wait to punish me the next day or even later in the week. Usually, though, she doesn't punish. Instead she encourages me to do better and maybe scolds me a little. Sometimes she will pull her foot from under the sheets and have me kiss as she scolds, but usually I simply put my face to the floor during my confession and kiss the floor while she speaks to me. If she decides to punish, she might require me to sleep on the floor, or I might have to kneel in the corner for an hour before getting into bed. If she is in the mood, I will be paddled or strapped. One thing about all this is how it reinforces her dominance -- whether I'm punished or simply scolded, or if she simply shrugs it off, the act of kneeling and confessing is enough to clearly define my status as slave and her status as my owner. It helps that usually after I ask permission to speak, she makes me wait while she reads -- and this while I'm kneeling on a hardwood floor. I'm in my fifties, so that matters!! There's a soft rug nearby that I am allowed to kneel on when I rub her feet, but for confession I'm not allowed to use it. I'll add that I have learned to be very thorough in identifying transgressions. The most unpleasant punishments have happened when I failed to mention something she noticed. Our contract specifies all this, but we're only about a few months into it, and it is a learning process. So far it has worked very well for both of us, and it seems to get better as we go. Before the contract I had very little correction. Now I'm feeling subservient and attentive all the time, and I'm happy.
ReplyDeleteWith femdom just like with any other relationship, mistakes can happen all along the way. But there does seem to be a couple mistakes that I see over and over again. One big mistake is the two people involved not sharing the same goals and not being honest about that. Many times a woman's idea of femdom and a man's idea of femdom are very different. So in the begining it is extremely important to openly discuss the goals for the relationship. And be totally honest about what each person wants and needs out of this lifestyle. It will never work if the woman is thinking more along the lines of a mild FLR. Something that may be no more than a vanilla marriage with benefits. And the man is dreaming about full blown femdom and everything that comes with it. Each couple needs to be honest with each other and lay out a plan they will both work to achieve. Without an honest common goal then each starts out thinking that their partner will eventually see it their way and everything will fall into place and work out fine. But when that doesn't happen, they end up resenting and blaming each other for the failure.
ReplyDeleteAnother major mistake is once the decision is made and the goal is set. The man or the woman doesn't do what must be done to achieve their goals. And what was decided on usually determines if the man or the woman is the one mostly responsible for this problem. A man that agrees to a mild FLR but actually needs a firm female authority, will soon loose interest and frustrate his wife. And a woman that agrees to a femdom relationship when she is actually only wants an FLR. Will have little or no interest in training her husband and usually won't have bothered to learn how. Her half hearted efforts and on-again off-again attitude will completely frustrate him. This is usually followed by a loss of interest and frustration on both sides. As they slide back into their former vanilla lives until they try again. With each try getting harder and harder and many couples just giving up.
Of course there are other problems that can come up. But these two seem to come up in relationship after relationship on a regular basis.