The choice between letting something slide one day and enforcing the next pervades daily life. There are a great many influences that impact a given choice, but generally speaking, remaining constant is key. Ironically, I often say that the only constant is change. But in an FLR, that principle does not work. You cannot be angry one day for a specific infraction and then let it slide another. It is just not fair. Nor can you decide one day to be strict and the other to let it go. I do not mean to suggest there are not variant circumstances, but generally, it does not seem fair to create a spectrum of what an FLR is on a given day. You cannot be a disciplinarian and expect to be called Mistress one day and then the next let it all go and retreat to when it was easier and you only passively made decisions.
What we agree to do as leaders is set the path. It in NO way means we don't make mistakes or make choices that are more self-interested than that of the overall family on a given day, but it does mean that we have a responsibility to be consistent. We have to identify the things or actions for which there are consequences. And we have to enforce them. And we have to lead. Right or wrong, we have to step up. I keep repeating in my mind an exceptionally powerful comment that making a decision, even a wrong one, is better than not making one. You can always fix a poor choice, but indecision or inconsistency cannot really be fixed.
Submissive men (or women) give an extraordinary gift. Their love, devotion, service and absolute trust in a leader is not something to be ignored or glossed over. It is to be protected and celebrated. But it comes with a cost. Leaders need to be strong, better than we used to be, and cognizant of the submissive's needs. It is not that we must acquiesce to whatever they need or want at the time, but we have to anticipate what might be coming and do what is in everyone's best interest. This is a tremendous responsibility on the one hand, but also a very simple one. Be consistent. Be aware of the other person's needs and do the best we can.
I am not even close to always right. But I try. I think about my decisions, their impact on my husband or our family, and make the choice I think are right. What I need to get better at is remaining consistent. Keeping that in my mind. Identifying what upsets me, what makes me happy and what maybe is less important and enforcing appropriately. Shifting expectations do no one any good and for most of us, avoiding that is why we started this journey. So those are my thoughts on this Monday. Feel free to comment.
Mistress Rhiannon,
ReplyDeleteYou’re certainly right about men wanting more. I always want more. It doesn't mean that it is good for us, or what we need which is one of the reasons I cede control to my wife as she is more level headed than I am, and generally knows best. She controls my worst traits and prevents me from over indulging in all manner of things.
I also agree consistency of leadership is important as well as setting a good example. A leader with double standards quickly destroys the trust and willingness to follow.
However, leadership shouldn't be a chore or burden. It's a privilege and honour to lead and no one expects a leader to be perfect or consistent all the time. Leaders are humans and they make mistakes, have bad days, are triggered in their responses, etc. followers understand and accept this.
I think that you also need to accept that you cannot possibly control everything. Focus on the important issues and then set guidelines or principles for the other stuff. Empowerment of followers is also an important concept. I doubt you want a husband that stands around all day waiting for you to direct his every move. Growth, development and mentoring is also an important function of leadership. Hope this helps. DtBHC.
Thanks, DtBHC. Really enjoy your views on leadership.
DeleteI agree that consistency is key. Inconsistent authority leads to confusion and insecurity. Of course, that also means before deciding to enforce something, you do need to seriously consider your ability to consistently enforce it. Mrs. Lion struggles with this. As a former top/master even though I understand the struggle, I feel a loss of security when consequences are sometimes missed.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, of course, that bottoms want more. I think this comes from a fantasy-driven self image. You can refuse to accelerate things and insist that you don't want more you want better. Always wanting and getting more is not sustainable. It's critical that every bottom understand that.
Thanks for contributing, CagedLion! The insecurity is my concern always. That by being inconsistent leads to insecurity, which breeds fear or resentment.
DeleteFrom the perspective of a disciplined husband this really speaks to me. I especially like the notion you express of making a decision to discipline even risking that it is wrong rather than making no decision at all. Once I had a girlfriend (before marriage) that could turn my attitude around in a minute or less with her brush. But she worried about fairness and spanking unfairly and this paralyzed her from relying on her instincts whether to spank. I told her many times that she should spank when she alone decided it was needed and that in a committed relationship deciding to spank was never a mistake because it always expressed love and caring. In a consensual spanking relationship there are no mistakes if you decide to discipline. My wife doesn’t worry about fairness so much as she gets frustrated with certain chronic bad behavior and sometimes (not always) throws her hands up rather than deal with my bottom. This is frustrating for a disciplined husband as well who has been punished for certain behavior and then suddenly that rule is gone. I do understand how frustrating it must be to spank and then have to spank for the same thing again in a week or a month. But those multiple repeated spankings have taken me from being a jerk to a reasonably well behaved respectful and obedient husband. And it wasn’t the severity of the spanking but the fact that each and every time I misbehaved I was punished. That is consistency to me
ReplyDeleteAlan
Thanks for sharing, Alan. Appreciate your perspective.
DeleteSimply put: exquisite.
ReplyDeleteThanks
jh
Thank you for your very kind words.
DeleteI agree that consistency is the goal, and yet very hard to achieve. It's why you and the disciplinary wives need to give yourselves a break.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Dan! I agree we cannot always be perfect, but it is nice to strive to meet the needs of a submissive husband who truly wants "more"
DeleteWonderful post Rhiannon! The key to solving any "problem" of any size is recognizing that it exists. Then and only then can progress be made toward resolving things satisfactorily. You Cleary now have that ability and for that I congratulate you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, SubHubinPhx. I am not sure I entirely have it, but I am certainly trying.
DeleteThis sounds like a discipline issue and so I shall respectfully proffer my opinion on this aspect of discipline.
ReplyDeleteWhether you immediately address his disobedience, or wait for a convenient time is your call. As long as your basic expectations and rules do not change, the timing is not that critical. Just as long as the disobedience is dealt with on a consistent basis and the consequences are certain, and you deal with it in a timely manner.
You may simply take mental note or point out the problem mmediately or as soon as possible. You need not do more at that time than simply point out what he did to displease you and discuss it with him later.
Perhaps set aside a special time daily to discuss your day, note and praise him for things he did that pleased you, and go over instances of disobedience. Perhaps after he has taken care of his after supper chores. You may decide on and mete out his punishment then, or you may defer his punishment until convenient.
Just as some parents will seize a child in the very midst of an undersirable behaviour and mete out a spanking or lead them to a corner, immediate action is good if it is convenient.
In the case of corporal punishment, needlessly labourous Internet type D/s "protocols" usually call for pre-punishment rituals that involve tediously pointing out his infraction and your disappoimtment and your intended consequences, yada, yada, yada...but that is neither necessary nor is it always convenient. As long as you do, when convenient to you, explain why he was punished, you may dispense with tedium. When appropriate you may sit him down (or make him kneel before you if that is your way) and scold him and make him confess the impropriety of his actions, and you may get to a point where you have him suggest possible consequences. But in real life, each case is different and it is solely up to you to handle the situation in an appropriate way that will address and correct the problem, and reinforce his submission. As his leader you must decide, taking into account your husband's needs and your desired outcomes, what the most effective course of action is at the time. The way you address the problem shpuld not place an undue burden or stress on yourself. This is real life and real life rarely has one-size-fits-all solutions. Be firm, consistent, but flexible, and all will be well. As long as your expectations are clearly communicated and understood and you solutions are consistent and adapted to the situation, and lines of communication are always clear and active between you, I think you will find what works best for you and your marriage.
Some subs are unduly influenced by internet porn depictions of "domestic discipline" but that is fantasy designed to sell site memberships. While spanking is a very effective way to deal with a submissive's disobedience, you need not make it any more complicated than the way a parent might correct a rebellious child. Tedious Ds "protocols" may have a place in "scene" type interaction, but I prefer the "KISS" principle: Keep It Simple Sally! If he screws up, you deal with it simply, directly, fairly, effectively, and above all, lovingly. Just do not confuse lovingly with wimpiness. A timid wife meting out discipline that conveys her lack of resolve to project athority powerfully will only unsettle him, eventually earn his contempt and will cause a breakdown in the FLR/LFA dynamic. Most men will only submit to direct and strong imposition of power. A subhubbie is, first and foremost, a man. Be yourself but be strong and project your power and authority; your husband needs to feel and bask in and take comfort in your power and authority.
Keep learning, keep loving. The path will unfold.
Thanks for stopping by and contributing. Your comments are thought provoking and fall into much of what I agree with. There really is no one way or one size fits all. I have a very hard time fitting within protocols that fit one particular life. Mine is not that nor has it ever been. So I suppose it is always an evolving path.
DeleteI hope you will keep contributing.
submissive men need consistency. No you may not feel you are always right however we accept your decisions and will do as you direct. Are you being too hard on yourself? Try and relax more and enjoy your submissive serving you in the manor you desire.
ReplyDeletearchedone
Thanks for posting.
DeleteMa'am,
ReplyDeleteIf I may offer my humble opinion. WOW your transparency is amazing! It is easy to see why your husband trust you so much. It's because you care about him an extrem amount and you are a deep thinker. Your thinking is so unique. Ask most women what interest them about an flr it's being served or control not you it's clearly love driven and thought out. Now for my opinion is yes you can be firm one day and let it slide the next because you are in charge. Before you dismiss this as simple minded its a lot more complex. Your family has agreed for you to be in control so by letting something go is in its self a recognition of that choice. What's wrong with delayed consequences? They are even very effective because they cause reflection. What's wrong with letting something slide as long as you acknowledge it through a look a whisper or a to the point I'm letting you slide? It's even exercising more control actually. Don't box yourself in. You are an amazing woman who your husband trust so trust yourself. Leadership is lonely especially when you care about your follower. We are not asking our wives to assume responsibility for us as a human. We are acknowledging your ability to lead our family. Many post are from men so it's clear we have opinions and we like to be heard. With your permission I would like to share a true technique used at work with you that I think would fit your personality, but I dont want to step over the line since it does not apply to this post. Thank you for taking the time to share.
In Awe of Rhiannon
Thank you very much for your kind words. I agree that delayed consequences can have their place. My concern is always more related to not having a consequence one day and then another day being in trouble for the same thing. It feels unfair. But also realistic, unfortunately, sometimes.
DeleteYou are correct that my drive for this comes solely from love. In making a choice to do something in my family's best interest. I certainly enjoy the assistance and contribution from my husband, but that is nothing close to why.
Thanks for posting.
Thank you very much for your kind words. I hope my transparency can show other women (or men) on this path, that it is not always linear or simple. That having internal indecision or making decisions you are unsure of does not blow the whole thing up. You correctly pin point that at some point a leader cannot box herself in, and has to simply lead. And also that service or control is not my focus per se. It really is about choosing a path that works best for us. It is, as many others point out, entirely unique. And there really cannot be any one set of rules or protocols for each relationship or even any one type of relationship, as each necessarily is inherently unique. Others may disagree with me on that, but mine is so complicated for a variety of reasons that trying to impose what works for others to every choice would be paralyzing.
ReplyDeleteplease feel free to share your true technique. I hope you will continue to post!
Rhiannon,
ReplyDeleteLove your blog. This is my first read, saw it posted from I'm Hers page and followed it over. I tend to blog about similar things as you are but from the opposite side of the fence.
As a sub consistency can be tough for us, one day I do something and it warrants punishment, one day Mistress doesn't have time or may not feel like it. I don't see this a s a problem for us because I fully understand that in many ways her job (and yours) is more difficult than being the sub.
Just because she doesn't punish me if I forget to do something doesn't mean I can slack. We live this way because we both want to and I am so happy she has taken on the responsibility of being our leader that I feel I owe it to her to make her job as easy as possible.
So yes consistency is important but it is also important for the sub to realize its not always possible and when it doesn't occur to not be negative, pout or do things contrary to what your Mistress would want.
The other point is the leadership role that my Mistress has. Yes she is in charge but she isn't on an island. I obey her but my opinions and values can help the decisions she makes. She always gets last call but its my responsibility as a member of our couple to give her my opinion and reasons for things she might have to a make a decision on regarding life, family or anything else. Its my job to give her any important information to help make the decision easier for her. When she decides its final but we operate as a team. She is just the captain of the team.
I look forward to reading more of your blog.
Thanks
That is an excellent analogy. Thank you so much for contributing. I absolutely expect him to participate and to be active. I do not want a synchophant. I want a partner. Yes, i make the ultimate choice, but having an active partner is critical. at least for me/us.
DeleteThank you for a wonderful blog! I am now in my 12th month as a service submissive to a gorgeous woman who does not think of herself as a dominant or "Mistress" and who has no interest in BDSM or "the scene." I, on the other hand, have had one other relationship with a very dominant woman who worked as a professional dominatrix, and who essentially kept me as her live-in slave. She beat me twice a day as "maintenance" and loved to shock my genitals. I was kept in some form of bondage and lived in constant dread of those shocks -- something that is difficult to describe. In return I served her abjectly and without question until I literally couldn't take it anymore. The pain was unremitting and awful. The final straw was admitting that my identity was lost and my love was unrequited.
ReplyDeleteFast forward to now. I am deeply in love with my "new" girlfriend and she with me. Ours is a service-based relationship with me in a subservient role. From the beginning I was open about my submissive needs. I treat her like a queen. I do all housework, cooking, cleaning. She loves the extra time to relax, the breakfasts in bed each morning, the foot rubs and back rubs. We’re happy. We’ve discussed FLR and power exchange, and she is open and interested now. But the trappings of BDSM have no allure for her. And you know, while I feel like the luckiest guy in the world, I do miss some of those trappings. In short, I miss being beaten. I don’t miss the sadistic beatings I suffered under the whips and canes of my former girlfriend, but I do miss the feeling of HAVING BEEN beaten. I miss the utter submissiveness and focus that washes over me after discipline. Try as I may, sometimes I find myself goofing off when I should be serving, and cutting corners when an attempt at "perfection" is called for. I know from experience that being whipped causes an intense focus that is hard to duplicate in the absence of punishment. I need that. So yes, you are right. Maybe submissive guys do want more and more.
I am aware of the danger here. I want to be truly submissive, and I want to put her first in all things -- to make HER life easier and more pleasurable, not mine. But to expect her to change to fit my needs or fantasies is hardly submissive. She owns me, and as my owner she has the right to do or not do, as she sees fit. In this spirit, I have stopped asking her to punish me. She knows I want punishment, but she is not willing to do it. (She raised her now-grown children without a single spanking. Why should she change now?) So mum's the word -- only a dick would continue to ask.
To your point about consistency, well, please give yourself a break. You are the boss. Your submissive must deal with who you are, consistent or not. That said, I find myself wondering why my Goddess will not punish me when I need it (and I think I do need it) but has no compunction about causing pain in the bedroom. This began on the first night we made love, a year ago. That night I told her that I'm "something of a submissive guy," and she interpreted this to mean sexually masochistic. So she shyly tested those waters and found she liked it. She said she was excited by how excited it makes me. Now, one year later, she beats my testicles and erection with her hand, torments me with her fingernails, and usually denies me pleasure or release. All the pleasure is hers, and we both love it. In short, our bedroom is a submissive's heaven. Sex for me is an exercise in frustration and pain while my girlfriend has multiple orgasms. I love it. I'm lucky.
What I can't understand is why she can inflict pain on me in that way, but not provide me with a spanking when I am disobedient or inattentive. Am I selfish to want that?
Brian, thanks for contributing. Really appreciate your insights. It sounds like you find yourself acting out to get punishment. Do you equate that with authority, I wonder? I.e., what you are really seeking is consistency or feeling you are owned in every way. I obviously do not know your partner, but you may want to consider being frank with her. telling her what you need, respectfully. Of course it is ultimately her choice, but she may have her own struggles with this and have resistance to certain aspects. This type of relationship requires openness and honesty, and that (IMO) is never topping from the bottom.
DeleteThank you, Goddess.
DeletePerhaps in a subconscious way I do act out to receive punishment -- or to be more precise, in HOPES of receiving punishment, since my girlfriend does not actually punish me. As i wrote before, she inflicts pain during sex but she does not punish me for misbehavior or for sloppiness in my service. She simply criticizes me. I see her very much as an authority in my life, and she likes that, but I feel that if she would punish me, that authority would be enhanced. In a conscious way I want to be punished with spankings or whippings because I know from experience (i.e., with my previous girlfriend) that being beaten improves my service. In a perverse way punishment makes providing good quality service "easier" -- that is, it makes ME more consistent in my service to one who deserves the best. Try as I may, I can't get over a kind of innate laziness at times --something that I believe a lot of guys suffer from. You are right, though -- I do want to feel owned, and communication is the key. I'll follow your advice and respectfully try again. Thank you, Goddess.
Mistress Rhiannon,
ReplyDeleteAs March is not yet over I thought I would ask a few more questions. I have posed the same questions to other dominant women to gauge their thoughts on this matter as well.
The topic I would like to get an understanding of from you is around the feminisation of your partner. Obviously this can be a fantasy of the male in the relationship and therefore something they desire, but what I was interested in was what do you gain from any such practices that you adopt in your relationship? N on occasions likes to make up my face. This occurred a few times before we started this current dynamic and only once since. It was different when she did it the last time as I was more accepting of what she was doing and hence she enjoyed it more. I still don't know what she gets out of it.
So the sorts of practices I have seen mentioned are like breast growth, wearing panties, being plugged or pegged (fantasy of mine so I get the thrill this brings your partner), removing hair and wearing adornments. So if you wouldn’t mind, could you please share with me what these practices mean to you and the relationship?
DtBHC, thanks for your questions. I think this is all so individualized that it is hard to know what any particular person could get out of any of these things. For me, something like breast growth makes no sense. But I can understand the allure of wearing panties or certain other sexual acts. I think those are unique to each relationship though. Some women like the men to wear panties almost as a punishment whereas others may enjoy just seeing their partners in something pretty. For me, none of these things has anything to do with emasculation. I want him to be masculine. I love it, in fact. If he were to wear panties, it would be because I find that to be enhancing his masculinity rather than feminizing him. Because certain lingerie is just objectively attractive and enhancing certain male features never hurts. But that is just me.
DeleteI also would never use any of these things as a punishment. For me, at least, the idea of punishing by feminizing kind of defeats the purpose of celebrating female strength and power. But, again, just me.
as a male sub its our job to please mistress and wait on her hand and foot and be the best slave we can be our job is not to tell mistress how to control us .that my goal is to be trained as a total slave .were as mistress snaps her finger I obey and just server her and all her needs from house work to shoping to every house hold chore her slave should be willing and thankful to do it all with is only goal to please his mistress . gets his mistress a drink bow and kiss her feet thank you mistress for allowing me to serve you and wait for her next orders like and obedient dog .and just do every thing she wants .and how she demands . if more submissive men were like this there would be many more flr marrages . but most of the time the male sub is selfish and wants things his ways . he will say I got you into this so do this for me . I like you to don me this way . but the mistress needs to just stop her slave in his tracks and tell him I am the boss now and you will jump to my tune and when I say . and it will be a better flr when the mistress controls every thing
ReplyDeleteThanks for your contribution! I think it is the actual application of taking full control that is hard for women to acclimate to.
DeleteMa'am
ReplyDeleteThank you for your acknowledgement I can't speak for everyone else but it means the world to me for you to take your time to respond to my post. I have read all your post now and see where you already use my technique from work. You allow your husband to speak freely knowing you are the decision maker. To me this allows for the most honest communication because we don't have the pressure of making the decision but we want for you to be successful so we offer the best advise we have. You seem to be a very strong leader and it appears to be natural to you. I agree with your three ways because we should be able to make most decisions thinking and knowing how you would want us too. Then some we would defer back to you without question. I do think that some look at an flr as 100% the wife decides everything. The truth is I do need to be heard and respected. I am no different than the woman in the traditional marriage. Again 100% of my decisions should aim to please my wife and she has final say when she wants I shouldn't require her to make every little decision because that would be exhausting. I think taking and tweaking femdom101 blog advice would be a great fit. To sit at my wife's feet every night and offer my opinions in a reverent manner and allowing my wife to "Google" my brain. It is when I offer my opinion at an inappropriate manner or in a way that I try to force my voice to heard that causes problems. Again thank you for being you. If it's not to personal would you share how you and your husband reached your decision for you to be in charge?
Thanks
In Awe of Rhiannon
We both had previous marriages full of shifting expectations and never quite doing or saying the right thing. As we went through the settling of our own relationship, it became something that just kind of developed. First almost exclusively in the bedroom, and then it was kind of an awkaening of maybe this makes more sense. There are divisions of power in all relationships and it sort of dawned on both of us that simply recognizing I am in charge and better at handling certain things takes the stress and decision fatigue out of what was bogging him down. and he is excellent at caring for our family and household, so it freed me up to run them while he keeps the trains running on time.
Delete