Realities of Life

So it has been a little while....apparently blogging is harder to navigate with real life than I thought! Which leads me to my topic today of balancing what we do with the realities of life.  Being in a FLR simplifies things in many respects- it provides defined roles and expectations, and an open acknowledgment of who makes decisions.  It takes out a lot of the back and forth or use of emotional means of securing what you want anyway.  When everything runs smoothly and everyone is on the same page about the path, it is relatively easy to live this lifestyle.

What is much harder, though, is to navigate this path when life intervenes.  Either in the form of outside sources or influences like work crises or third party personal relationships, or just sometimes when you as a leader are wrong about a decision.  We had some things arise over the last few weeks that I struggle very much with how to balance in this new path.  I know that many people who have lived this lifestyle for awhile probably know exactly how to handle these issues or are comfortable with just saying the female is in charge and that is that.  That is not a place I am at yet.

My husband had a work crisis a few weeks ago that was very emotionally difficult.  It led to him feel unsettled, concerned and raised some old emotional ghosts for him, which then impacted our communications and interactions.  There were things we agreed to that went by the way side and I struggled to figure out whether he needed me to be more dominant or more sympathetic.  I understand conceptually they are not mutually exclusive, but when you are dealing with a human being who is hurting about things outside of your control, it is difficult to then inflict a punishment for a transgression in your agreement--even though it is exactly what you would have done in different circumstances.

I wasn't sure if what he needed was for me to just take control and enforce what we agreed however small or give him a break.  As anyone who has read this knows, I struggle with balance all of the time.  And this is particularly difficult because it involves things outside of us that nonetheless impact us.  I ultimately gave him a break on some things but then tried to get us back to our path when the dust settled a little.  But even in that, he reacted badly to a small order/decision I made that I thought was inconsequential and ended up being very upset over it.  I think it mostly had to do with what was going on around us, but then it made me feel like maybe this only works when it is easy.  It led to an internal debate that him reacting badly or me offering leniency somehow means I have not been the leader I promised I would be.  Or that I have built in some escape hatch when life gets difficult.

Have any of you lived through that? How have you handled it? Did you want more or less control? Or did you take more control or allow for some leniency?

The reality is this type of lifestyle cannot be turned on and off if it is to be meaningful.  But it also is not linear at all.  In fact, each day brings some challenge that in some way or another either reinforces or undermines this choice.  I want to lead in the best way that I can, and I believe sometimes that requires leniency.  But I worry about the confusion that brings or it sliding into a situation where there is always an excuse for why things were not what we agreed.

It is difficult to lead and to feel that the choices you make are really in everyone's best interest.  I have read that when you assume control, your path is simply the right choice because it is what you think.  But that feels oversimplified to me because I am not always sure what is right.  I do not know if that is something that gets easier with time or practice, or if it is always something that plagues females who lead.  Do you ever feel entirely comfortable that you make the right choice all the time?

What about in the circumstance when you perhaps admit you did not make the best objective choice? I was upset about something last night that was probably overblown and based almost entirely on an unrelated outside influence.  I also did a poor job of identifying that I was upset in the moment rather than over a span of several days, which he thought, and felt to him like a shifting expectation or trap. We did not completely escalate into a fight, but it was clear he disagreed with me.  In the end, I also realized the position I took may have been slightly unfair or related to things in our past that I have not let go of as much as I should.  I think he struggles too because he can be truthful with me about how he feels about something, but if I read something else into it (either fairly or unfairly), there is not much he can say to convince me otherwise.  It is kind of the trap of this type of lifestyle too- you demand honesty, which he gives, but then you are in charge so you can still say it is not enough or the right answer.  Which feels unfair, admittedly, but I am only human too.   Do the female leaders just always get to be right?

I cannot really live in a relationship where his opinion simply does not matter or that I do not take his disagreement into account, but it also feels like that can lead to a shift away from real female leadership.  If you have experienced this (from either side), I would love to hear how you handle these types of issues; what works or does not work; and what you would want your partner to do.