On Being Open

As we have started to do this for longer, the question inevitably becomes how do you handle it in public? As anyone who has read this knows, I struggle from time to time with achieving the right balance or feeling there is constant consistency in my authority (whatever that means).  I doubt we will ever be in a place where I would be completely open about it or maybe even to be able to joke like I have read many people can.

For a lot of different reasons, what we do or how we do it has to have some veil in the outside world. But, at the same time, it becomes somewhat impossible to really do this and take control or be in charge (or the other way around for him) if it is not all the time.  I think it would be terribly confusing for it to just be at the house or just around certain people or just whatever.  That seems to me to go against the exact reason we started this--to have clear boundaries and expectations.

Knowing all of this intellectually, conceptually or emotionally, much like anything, does not make it a bit easier to put into practice.  If anything, it makes it harder.  Because there is no real rule book for a couple trying to do this the way I want to, and which takes his needs into account too or the realities of our lives.  So this particular issue has great significance because it is the public face of the relationship and how we choose to show or demonstrate some or parts of what we do, without wearing a sandwich board up and down the street.

In many ways, being in a community or with a network of friends who do this would be ideal because there would be no need to shield anything because everyone is more or less like minded.  But in the real world of professional lives, personal lives and private lives, it is not as easy.

If this is a lifestyle choice you decide to make, it makes logical sense that it must, in fact, be your lifestyle.  I think I worry far more what people would think or interpret than actually probably is likely.  In my experience, most people are wrapped up in their own life and so pay far less attention to others' lives than we think.  That is a somewhat freeing proposition because it allows for your life to be your own and be less constrained by what you fear others may say or think.

In the spirit of all of this, we have been trying to put more of what we choose to do into day to day practice.  The results are somewhat surprising but correlate with the theory that people rarely care what you are doing as long as it does not directly impact them or hold some particular interest for them.  I will relay two short anecdotes to underscore my point about why I think openness does not have to be explicit and can really reinforce what we are all doing (or thinking of doing).

We had some people over to our house on Saturday and were dealing with one million child related things.  My husband was amazing at taking care of all of us, without my friend noticing more than simply he is a great guy and sharing the delightful accolade of how lucky I am (which I am).  He held boxes, brought libations, made snacks, played in the pool with the kids and just generally helped out. I do not think he felt over used or even that I would require any of those specific things, but he genuinely likes to make my life easier and this was one such time.  And what I discovered was that instead of me asking him a bajillion times if he was ok or would he mind, I just told him what I needed if there was something beyond what he was already doing.  He did it without questions and no one really was the wiser.  Clearly I did not just bark orders, but if you listened closely, you would know it was not a request.  At the end of the night I realized how much fun we all had, and how it was okay to let some of this show.  My friend had no idea or even if she did, did not really get phased by it or curious, but rather just appreciated that her drink was always full and we were well taken care of.

In a similar fashion, we were at a super bowl party on Sunday, and my aunt was trying to lug a huge case of beer across their backyard.  There were no fewer than twenty five able bodied men at said party and not one person thought to help her.  That shocked me for several reasons, but perhaps is a post for a different day.  My husband (who only did not notice because he was attending to my request for an adult beverage) turned to look at me to see which one I wanted, saw me signal ever so slightly to my aunt and immediately crossed the back yard to take the beer from her and deliver it to where it needed to be.  It was a great moment because no one thought anymore about it than he is chivalrous and kind, but we were able to ever so subtly deepen our respective roles just a little bit more.

I have said before that sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it, and interjecting small reminders of whatever your dynamic is into everyday life is one way to do that.  It does not have to be a big show or anything more than my husband will help you, or you need to do X.  For people who practice, all of this would likely be obvious and so not even worth commenting on in a like minded group.  But my point in all of this is that even in the real world with a series of variables of different personalities and the like, there are ways to be true to what you are doing without causing a big stir.  And, more importantly, I think you have to find ways to subtly (or not subtly if that is your thing) weave it in to every day life to really make it your lifestyle.

I know this topic has been covered in other blogs, but how people deal with their relationships in the "real" world is probably a topic that always could use further discussion.  If you want to share, contribute, etc. please do.