The Hydra That Is Living A FLR

Thanks to everyone who still reads even when my postings are sporadic, at best.  Life just has a way of interfering in consistency in any activity.  That holds especially true for our FLR as well.  And while I find that certain aspects work without much effort, certain things need constant attention and refocusing.

Perhaps the most complicated part of being in an FLR is consistency.  Either in the form of balance or just literal consistency in setting a plan of action and following up on it, I find that is the single hardest thing to maintain.  It is a topic I have blogged about before, but each time it comes up, it is different and seems to have sprouted a new head like the ancient Hydra.

We have been going through a period of change and my husband has been struggling with some life changes that make me nervous about imposing a stricter FLR.  I worry constantly that if he is upset or focused on something else, that my pushing him and demanding submission could somehow throw off the balance of his emotions and crush him.  I do not actually think that would happen, but it is probably the thing that does (or should) worry every female leader.  In a weird twist of fate, I think more order and clarity is probably exactly what he both needs and wants.

This is compounded by the fact there are very few resources for a female HoH.  While I am thankful for the various blogs that do exist and stay in the realm of reality rather than leather clad fantasy or pure role playing,  this just is not as well established as the male HoH community.  In a lot of ways, I cannot even read those types of blogs-- the religious DD blogs freak me out because I do not believe in an inherent superiority or ordained right to exercise my will over my husband.  Rather, this is a product of our mutual agreement about how our life works better if I am just in charge.

But we are real people.  We both have jobs, kids, family and responsibilities that all need to be ordered. And in taking on this role, that is just what I agreed to do.  To take responsibility for the decisions, to own the choices I make, to set clear expectations and to follow through in making sure they are met.  I am pretty comfortable with making choices and owning the decisions.  Several commenters have made the excellent point that strong leadership is about making the decision, even if wrong, and owning it.  Being paralyzed by a decision makes for an ineffectual leader and one who does not inspire confidence.

What I struggle much more with as time goes on is remembering the impact I have on him. This takes the form of me forgetting that my words impact him more than they used to. Rather than my old marriage where I could flounce out of a room or tell him to shut up and it would just prolong the fight, if I do that now, my husband feels it.  He either quite literally stops talking or feels the sting of me walking away in a way much different way than someone who has not embraced being submissive.  This is one thing I think all female leaders have to be aware of- men are sensitive too and when they agree to this, we owe them the respect to be a real leader all the time.  We owe them that we will not just throw out barbs in the same way we might if the scales were more balanced. This is something I have to work on and be constantly in the mindset of being in control.  Not letting it go just because I am angry or don't want to deal with it right then.  This is the choice I made too, and I owe him that I understand the constant nature of this role.

What I think makes this even more complicated is the layer of being able to say, I am in charge- right or wrong. Just fucking deal with it.  I have said that sometimes, and while it is technically true, it is probably not that helpful for growing our bond and connection.  It is important to say that sometimes I think, to just put an absolute reminder that the female is in charge, but it can easily turn into a default that takes the responsibility away for really thinking through a decision or impact.  I am working on that right now to make sure that it does not just become the baseline where I no longer take specific stock of what the fuck is going on and the best way to address it.

The other issue I struggle with--and I would guess most couples in this do as well--is the accountability/consistency component.  If you are going to lead your husband, you need to be clear.  The whole point of this is to acknowledge the shift in authority, not just do it through passive ways like in a more egalitarian relationship.  So saying what you want and meaning it, as well as following through, squarely fall on the shoulders of the female leader.  That means if I want the table fixed by a specific date, I have told him.  If he does not, there is a consequence.  This is the ideal way of handling things, and that it is the same for every task, every day.

I will be honest that I slack in this area probably most of all. I say I want specific things done, but I do not always follow up on them because either we have other things going on or I do not feel like I care that much at the moment.  While, again, this is technically fine because I am in charge so I can discard or change something at will, it makes for some unfair and confusing expectations.  Right now I have recommitted to setting real expectations and following up on them.  I have to. It is just not fair to keep going this way because he may think I do not care about something (because I haven't for weeks) and then I am pissed when it does not get done.  That flies in the face of the exact thing this relationship is supposed to accomplish--clear expectations and a system of accountability.

As a leader, one of the most important jobs is to realistically assess what is needed and what is important.  We have to set clear boundaries and enforce them consistently, and be in touch enough with our own plan/requirements to know what is important and what can be let go.  But, this too, has to be communicated from the start.  If I don't really care that much about something getting done, but then get angry later that it has not been accomplished, that is more on me than him.  While the "I'm in charge" card can be played to change some things, it really is not fair to use it without real connection to its impact on the relationship.  If that is the only way it gets used, then this is really just a loose set of constructs that may or may not be enforced.  It is not how I want to run my house because he deserves to know what I want, when I want it and how I want it with some consistency.  He also needs, as I think most submissive men do, the assurance of knowing there is a consequence if it is not done.  That is what makes this type of relationship beautifully simple--he does not have to think about why, whether it makes sense or how to do it.  He knows what is expected, to do it and what will happen if he does not.  

I would love to hear from all of you about your feelings on this topic, what works for you (or you need from your FLR), what types of consequences work best, etc.  This community is strengthened by shared experience and collective wisdom.

It Has Been Awhile

Hi all....Yes again, I find that life has made it difficult to blog.  My apologies for the delay, but it has just been surprisingly hectic as of late.  Rather than just keep avoiding it, I thought I would just do a quick post and open it up for discussion.

I am also a little at a loss for what to blog about, as I really have been pulled in so many directions and we are in a decent place with our path.  So I thought I would reach out and see what topics are on your minds and what areas we could explore together.

I wish you all health, happiness and joy in the holiday season.  

Seeking Perspectives on Reinforcement

I have noticed "reinforcement" has come up in several comments, and thought it might be time to discuss it.  This is not a new concept by any means.  Most of us employ some version of this in nearly every aspect of our lives- in teaching kids about consequences or goals, in the workplace with constructive (or otherwise) feedback or just in interacting with people on a day to day basis.  We do this almost unconsciously in most circumstances- smiling at or thanking the person who bags your groceries because a) it is polite and b) you want him to remember you and maybe not put the cans on top of the eggs.   But these smaller interactions seem easier and more natural somehow than when you try to sit down and think about how to really make it work in a marriage like this.

I suppose it is like that with everything--it is easy and reflexive until you are cognizant of it and then it becomes a thing. It reminds me of the old Looney Toons where Wiley Coyote did not realize he was over some hugs chasm until he looked down.  But here we are, looking at reinforcements critically and putting each action we take into sharp relief.

Positive reinforcement should be easy.  But even that can take on a new meaning in a FLR.  Several bloggers point out that thanking a man undercuts the concept that it is a privilege or joy to serve. I am not sure where I come down on that.  It is similar to using please in my commands, as I know some would see that as not part of being dominant, but sometimes I like to include it when I am telling him what to do.  But as I just wrote about, there is no one size fits all so if saying please and thank you works for you, then it works.

If you do not use traditional concepts like saying thank you, how is it that the positive reinforcement happens? One way is to acknowledge a job well done or to tell him he has done well.  But are there others? What works for you in confirming positive behavior? I would be interested to hear from men and women on this issue.      

Stopping negative behavior is at once easier and more difficult.  Punishment in whatever form you use is straightforward.  There is a consequence for a missed task or back talk or whatever else has come up.  It requires staying on top of the expectations and consistently reinforcing the consequence, and the hope is that the dislike of such consequence will keep him from doing that again.   People have varied views on what appropriate discipline or punishment should be. Some use traditional corporal punishment either with specific infractions or as more of a constant maintenance.  Some religiously use corner time.  And I am sure there are many things I do not even know about.

My failing in that is always staying on top of things and in not being as creative as I would like in that arena.  It can be difficult to manage every task or expectation, so for me, I usually reinforce on the bigger ticket items and maybe let some of the smaller ones slip.  I know that increases uncertainty and makes it a little murkier, but that is just the style I employ.  I am not sure I could manage every single behavior or task with constant reinforcement either way--it seems like a full time job.

I have always thought a punishment fitting a crime makes the most sense, but I admit I have never washed his mouth out even if he did not speak as respectfully as I would like.  I also have read some people keep a journal of infractions that gets presented and addressed. I have no idea if this works, but if you do, please share.

There is also the subtext of stopping it before it gets to a problem level, and quelling misbehavior before a full blown punishment is needed.  That one I also have not quite yet mastered, but I suppose it really is just stopping the misbehavior with some carefully chosen words.  In any event, this particular blog post clearly reveals the depth of things I do not know and that could benefit from other perspectives.

Being newer at this, I am still trying to find my footing on how to exercise appropriate reinforcement all the time.  And as both positive and negative reinforcement is a cornerstone of making this work, I would like to open this up to you.  If you are a submissive, what is the most effective form of reinforcement and how does it happen.  Do you react better when its preemptive or to certain words? Do certain negative consequences help you avoid infractions more? If you are a leader, how do you use positive and negative reinforcement most effectively? Are there certain punishments you find most effective?  Please feel free to contribute.  There may be no "right" way, but benefitting from each other's experiences and knowledge seems like a pretty great form of community sharing.

One Size Fits All Does Not Exist

It seems I start nearly every post with some form of a lament about how long it has been....but such is life, and we all do the best we can. So I hope you will stick with reading this even though my posting can be more sporadic than most.  

Today I thought we would discuss the concept of what is "right," and why trying to find that in a FLR (or otherwise) is useless.  I hate this phrase in any application.  Even in a non-FLR context, the concept of what is right or correct is so uniquely personal that trying to fit into some mold or societal construction will only cause you pain and make you question your own path.  Look at how society has changed in the past few decades--what was right even a few years ago could now seem outdated and archaic. Trying to do a one size fits all is destructive and misses the nuances of what this type of relationship should be. 

When I first started this journey, I was desperate for answers and some sort of playbook of what I should do.  While I certainly am thankful for guidance or perspective in finding this path, trying to fit my own relationship into what others do just does not make sense. For example, I do not cage my husband nor do I necessarily think I would.  There are some purists who would see this as a failing on my part as a leader or not recognizing he should or needs to be caged.  While that is perfectly fine for someone who chooses that, it is not my choice to do so.  But that does not mean I am weak or he is less of a submissive. In fact, it means I am strong enough to make my own decisions about what I want my FLR to look like.  Which is quite literally what a female leader should do.   

Similarly, my husband once read several articles taking the position that cuckholding was necessary to truly accepting submission.  He worried for some time that me not having any interest in that meant he could not truly be submissive.  I, however, vehemently disagree.  I value specific things in his submission, but being ok with me being with another man is just not one of them.  In fact, I have no interest nor do I think that would enhance my particular brand of dominance.  So it is a hard limit for me. I do not say this to judge anyone who believes that or thinks it works (because I do not- live your lives, do what makes you happy), but it is important to note that what works for some does not mean it has to work for you. And not doing something someone else thinks is important does not mean what you choose is any less right for you.

Particularly when first starting out, the tendency is to worry you are not doing what is right or that you are not somehow immediately understanding every possible permutation of this complicated life. It is pretty unfair to expect someone new to this could ever figure it all out immediately, and in fact, it is likely always an evolution so nothing will ever be unequivocally "right." I guess my point is that if you are starting out, or even if you have been practicing for some time, do not try to have all the answers. Do not try to fit your FLR to some "norm," as no norm exists.  

Each relationship is different. Some people use DD as punishment and some do not; some have chore lists and some just expect it to be done; some require use of a title like Mistress while others do not need that or like it; some believe the female driving shows leadership whereas others see him driving as a form of submission; some control money or privacy much more than others, and the list of differences could keep an FLR encyclopedia salesmen busy like it was the 80s.  

Here, what is important to remember is that what is right is specific to each relationship.  It is something you, as a leader, have to figure out--what works for you and what is important to you? How do you want to discipline or assign chores or run your house? And similarly, what works for your submissive husband? What is the way he feels most submissive, what does he react best to, etc. I do not mean to suggest you cannot learn things from others; rather, I believe the opposite is true.  I enjoy learning from others or hearing what other people do, but trying to measure myself against what some other leader does gets me nowhere.  We should rely on each other for guidance and perspective but not that one true path exists. 

In earlier posts I talked about just deciding to lead for a specific period of time and kind of running with it.  I think this is the best way to start. Decide to lead and lead-- in a way that works best for your family, not some archetypal female led relationship. And while so many in this community have excellent insights into what works for them, or what has been difficult, ultimately your journey is your own.  

I encourage all of us to communicate and discuss different trial/tribulations/things that work because there are so many fascinating perspectives that can help you to be better/stronger/more submissive (whichever perspective).  But, I recommend not getting caught up or discouraged when what you do or works for you may not be what works for everyone else.  One size fits all works for panty hose (usually), not a serious adult relationship involving very personal needs and desires. So figure out what you want/need and forge your own path. Don't get bogged down in following what is "right."

Operation Boss Lady

I committed in my last post to try making simple choices and following through.  I started with one decision at a time, made the best decision in the moment and did not back down from it.  It has been about 10 days and I think "Operation Boss Lady" is going relatively well.

As readers of this blog know, I often struggle with balance or worrying about my husband feeling something is unfair or that it could be "too much."  The vast majority of contributors all suggest just taking control, owning it and acknowledging that while resistance or "unfairness" may happen, it is kind of what we each signed up for in deciding to walk this path.  In fact, my husband does not want an equal relationship. He wants me to lead. So in spending countless time and energy trying to make it seem or feel equal or worrying too much about the impact something will have, I am really just spinning my wheels and depriving us both of what we actually need/want. It was this realization that got me back on the path of leading.

While I feared increased control or strictness could breed resentment, it has the opposite effect.  He needs the structure and the clarity. He needs the consistency and knowing what is expected. I also think, although probably less so in the moment, that he craves the accountability as well.  Being in this type of relationship really requires some shifts in conventional thinking and finding ways to make sense of concepts that perhaps seem counter intuitive.  It is the difference between viewing follow up as being a nag or as holding him accountable.

It also is not just better for him. It is better for me.  It is easier for me to know that when I make a decision, it will be followed because I am not leaving room for resistance. It is also easier because I have control over my own life and can be responsible for the choices I make, which also means I have no one to blame but myself if it turns out not to be the best choice.  It is just simpler and easier.

So I say to all of the hesitant women out there, just own it. Even if just for a few days or a few weeks, commit to making the decisions, leading and holding him accountable so you both get some traction. My guess is that it will reap positive rewards because he will react well to the structure and consistency, which then provides confidence that can be hard to come by when first starting out on this.  When you can see the positive changes in behavior and the lack of resistance you feared, each choice or action becomes just a little easier the next time.  Sometimes you really have to fake it until you make it.

It is also nice to know that you are not alone.  As much as I have appreciated all of the comments, the ones that have meant the most to me are those that recognize this is neither easy nor perfect.  Yes, it is ideal to be in a relationship where it all just works in perfect harmony and each embraces the role chosen with flawless perfection.  I am happy for each of you that claims to have that type of completely linear path.  That rainbow covered cave full of unicorns just does not exist for me and putting that unattainable requirement of at or near perfect all the time just exhausts me.

We each do the best we can, and some days it is better than others.  But just knowing that you can stumble or be uncertain about your footing and still come back or make a different choice the next day to get back on the path is heartening.  So even if there is a day your leadership was not as strong or your submission was colored by emotional reactions or otherwise not what would be ideal for you or your Mistress, try again. Make a simple choice- be it to lead or to follow and keep repeating.

The Complexity of Simplicity

I find, yet again, that it has been a significant period of time between posts.  It is partially my schedule and also being at times without certainty as to what to write.  Not being an expert in any of this or even doing it for that long, I sometimes worry my contribution is just a rehashing of the same thing or what someone else can more eloquently say.  But, this is also a community and contributing as well as reading the responses bring better understanding and exploration of this topic, so I am jumping back in.  More specifically, I am taking a simple step to address what sometimes feels overwhelming or without clear direction.  That, in fact, is the topic of the morning.  

In certain ways, a FLR is unequivocally simple.  The wife leads. The husband follows.  As I have previously blogged and seems to be a common theme for others too, is this mythical concept of balance that blurs that clean line.  Finding the place where the authority you assume is seamlessly executed, decisions made without question and conviction, and peace in the paths each has chosen. Sometimes it is like that.  

We recently had some periods of it just working effortlessly.  I had no second thoughts about my choices, he agreed without hesitation and I did not get bogged down in worrying about whether it was right, enough, too much or if this is really what he wants.  I just chose the path and went forward, expecting he follow, which he did.  When it is working like that, it is both simple and amazing.  I felt in charge of my own life, able to delegate tasks based on our relative strengths and secure in knowing he will listen and obey.  I believe it gives my husband freedom from decision fatigue, knowing he does not need to make the choices or face some arm chair quarterback about making the wrong choice, as well as clarity in expectations.  I also sense there is freedom in an absence of choice to some extent- he has no other choice so there is no real reason to fear or worry or consider the other options.     

But as life intervenes and the issues become more emotionally charged, or we get busy personally or professionally, it gets more difficult.  I perhaps do not act as consistently because I know he is busy so I give him a pass on things I had asked to be done, or I waver more in my decisions about certain issues because I fear the emotional charge associated with them.  While perfectly natural because neither of us are FLR bots, but actual human beings who are just trying to find a way to make sense of this all, it is a slippery slope.  I find myself feeling less in control, fretting more and being resentful about certain reactions not being what I expect.  The fault, however, lies with me. I have not been as clear about what I want, exercising the authority he has entrusted to me in a confident manner or even expressing my positions clearly.  I also get unsettled with particular emotional situations because I know he may disagree or feel some part is "unfair," and then I either cannot articulate what I expect, he lashes back with less emotional control because I have not been consistent in demanding it, and we end up unnecessarily fighting.   I have been struggling in trying to figure out how to get it back on track and find myself just spinning endlessly.  

Yesterday, however, I realized how to get back on track- make a simple decision. Stick to it and don't overagonize. Repeat. It also requires simple communication about what is expected, and consistency to follow up on it. This is an oversimplification to some extent, but the premise is essentially to cut out the crap of pretend equality (or trying to make sure each decision feels entirely fair, etc) or emotional quagmire that didn't work before and go back to basics. I do not mean to suggest his opinion is not important or that a decision should not be fair, but just that part of leading is owning the best choice at the time and not being paralyzed with indecision.  I lead. He follows.  I need to trust myself that I do not make rash or unfair choices (generally) and that he has asked for, and chosen, to follow.  That choice needs to be respected too.  And he has to follow. He may not always like my decision or bristle at a request, but that is what this is.  He cannot pick and choose when he wants to submit just like I can't pick and choose when I lead.  

So I am going to set out my expectations of the different things that I want/think are best, enforce them and lead us in a way that respects what we have chosen.  In this life, making a decision and executing it is probably the most critical piece.  So I will start with that simple step and see if it works through some of the complexity. 

Leading Is Not Simple

Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted.  Life has just been busy and I have been somewhat uninspired on topics.  Because I am newer at this, I do not really have lifetime experience to draw on but really only know or can discuss what is immediately at issue for me.  But, I also remember really looking for guidance and trying so desperately to find words that made sense when we started this journey, that I will do what I can to be at least one voice like that for people searching for how to start or navigate this path.

I read Kathy's blog today, as well as the comment by Sandra, and thought I would chime in with more of the same.  In certain ways, this lifestyle should really be very easy.  The woman leads, the man follows and that is it.  In reality, it is far more complex and requires a real understanding of both yourself as a leader and your husband as a submissive.  In this society (though much less so in my generation), men have to be archetypically strong and any form of submission or lack of domination is somehow weakness.  And women who embrace being a leader are often bitchy or aggressive.  I think this is changing, but it still exists.

These societal underpinnings require a re-examination of how you see yourself and your partner if you choose this path.  Many who do choose this, I suspect, have already disregarded the archaic stereotypes, but if you are still wavering and wondering if you can be strong but submissive or a leader and still a lady, I for one say yes you can.   As I have blogged about before, I think men who serve in any capacity have more strength than someone who just assumes because he has a Y chromosome that somehow makes him a leader.  When you think about a knight or a man in the military, you do not think about a weak man. You see a strong and powerful man whose job it is to protect and serve.  If we can shift the construct from weak to submissive, it is easier to conceptualize why certain men could want this type of life.  Similar with the ladies who do this. We are not necessarily domineering, controlling or aggressive.  We simply recognize the men we love need to be led and that we can, in fact, lead. It is not even that different than the 50s housewife who ran the house entirely.  We just do it over everything and do not pretend it is any other way.  There is simplicity in open acknowledgment of each person's particular strengths.

With submission, it truly is a gift that has to be appreciated and nurtured.  In my life, it is not enough to just decree I lead and that is it.  Of course this creates a nuanced path that really takes work to get right.  As female leaders, it is our responsibility to nurture that gift. To demand submission or obedience as appropriate, but to also balance the rigors and realities of daily life.  It does require some training, whether in the form of specific tasks that are assigned and followed up on or in setting expectations of how to handle certain infractions, fights or daily life.  It can be daunting, without question.

I often get mired down in that and sometimes worry that we will stagnate because I forget it is constantly evolving and needs my investment.  I watch a reality TV show (do not judge me) called Arranged. And one of the couples is very young in the Gypsy life and he has been taught to believe he is now in control at the age of 18 simply because he is a man.  I am not passing any form of judgment on this way of life or mindset (though I CLEARLY do not believe that for me or my daughters), but I watched him tell his wife she just had to listen to him and it seemed so childish.  Not just because he is, in fact, a child, but at the idea that just saying the words is enough.  And for perpetuating the notion that leadership is just conferred, and there is no independent work to earn respect or to actually be a leader.

I agree that words are of critical importance in how domination or control is exercised and felt, and many specifically state that they need to hear/use words of power like Mistress, be reminded of who is in charge verbally as well, and most simply, be told something not asked.  But words alone will never be enough.  If someone is going to embark on this and try to elevate a relationship to play to each others strengths and best attributes, or otherwise create a more harmonious marriage, it takes action.  By both parties, but certainly in consistently leading, recognizing the control you have and developing the submission that has been given to you.

If you are going to do this, you have to do it every day.  That doesn't mean there cant be exceptions or you make the choice to not enforce something because of an extenuating circumstance, but the idea of this being only sometimes will never work.  It also really does have to be in each communication or action.  It does not always have to be a list of chores or an act of physical submission, but telling not asking, following up as necessary, and some reaffirmation of dominance has to become ingrained in most, if not all, daily life.

Now, the above is just my opinion.  It is what I tell myself to process this and get through each day. You also have to let go of what other people think you should do. I get caught in the but what if I am not doing it right conundrum all the damn time.  I need to stop.  A male blogger gave me a piece of critical advice that is important to share- in being a female leader, what is right is defined by you. It is not anyone else or any book or theoretical.  It is your path, your choice, your decision.  You just have to own it.

So those are my thoughts for today.  That this takes much more work than just giving orders, but also speaks deeply to emotional and physical needs of both parties and really should be defined by your particular relationship rather than any ideal construct.  I will do what I can to be more consistent in this blog.  If there are topic ideas, please let me know!

What Is In A Word? The Art Of Domination and Control

I'm going to borrow a theme from I'm Hers because it is one that is pretty foundational for a FLR. At the same time it is also incredibly amorphous and trying to navigate the practicalities of being both dominant and in control. In reading some of the comments, control seems to be seen as the demand for something or giving orders but something like checking up on the work is dominance. I'm not sure I agree. They both seem so enmeshed together that I don't know that one can be separated from another. 

If I think about what I do on a daily basis I'm not sure I can distinguish between which act or conduct is control and which is dominance. This presents the exact problem I have blogged about before in understanding what a submissive needs when he says I want more control, more ownership, etc. 

It obviously will depend on each person and the particular dynamic but it is a struggle from the dominant perspective. How do you both control and provide sufficient dominance? What does that even mean? 

To me, dominance is the overall control I exert. It's not just about set chore lists or expectations of behavior, but about the idea that I have set that up and expect him to obey. I expect he will defer to me and act in accordance with the terms of our agreement. But I do not typically inspect or follow up. I suppose that is something I probably should do sometimes to make sure everything is getting done. But that also seems counter intuitive. If I am really in control and dominant, there should be no question about my requirements being met. I know we are all human and people forget things, but having to check up or micromanage is exactly what I don't want from this and expect him to obviate the need to do. 

I also verbally reaffirm control/dominance by using direct statements, not equivocating for the most part and identifying which type of answer I am looking for (ie, none, his opinion counts but I am leaning one way, or its 51/49).  I sometimes wonder whether there are things I could say or do that would clarify the authority even further but I haven't found a rhythm on anything else yet. Not asking as a question and directing what I expect seems to be the best balance. I suspect he feels my dominance most when I do this in public. Mostly because if people paid attention they would hear it was not a request but a demand.  And one in which he willingly performs.  

For some people, these things may be enough to feel both dominance and control. I wonder, though, whether the reason I do not see as much of a distinction between the two is the physical aspect of dominance in our relationship. Even if I don't check his work or call him on everything, he knows I can and would punish or discipline him for it. I know not everyone does the same thing, but the aspect of discipline builds in literal dominance in a way I'm not sure words alone could. 

We also use a daily ritual of discipline spankings to keep that dominance and authority at the forefront. He also knows the possibility exists for much different punishment, which rarely rarely ever happens. The consistency of discipline on a daily basis seems to prevent the need for a punishment.  The act itself of him submitting daily and me exerting physical control over his body confirms me as the dominant in a way words or direction just can't. I know that is not everyone's experience or path, but it seems to work for us. Because he knows unequivocally every time he sits down who owns him, whether or not I have used any words to remind or confirm that. 

This alone certainly is not enough. The distinction between a FLR and DD requires more. More assumption of decision making beyond behavior changes and an acknowledgment of overall control by the dominant. But it is a critical piece that I believe makes my particular brand of leadership both dominant and in control without question. 

How do others feel? Does dominance require more than control? What are the acts, words or rituals that make you feel most submissive? Or the way you feel most dominant if you lead? 

Realities of Life, State Lines and Keeping Up The FLR

Today I wanted to draw on some of the topics we previously discussed--keeping this up when life, children or the unexpected intervenes--and explore how this works when you are not physically in the same place.  We have previously discussed that it is sometimes difficult to keep this up when life is just life.  Either figuring out how to introduce the chain of command to your children, and making sure their father remains respected, but not undermining the overall female authority, or navigating through the times when it is unclear as to whether more or less authority is needed based on the surrounding noise and complications.  There is no clear cut answer to any of these issues, and I suspect each relationship tackles them differently.

Some of the best pieces of advice or commentary on this blog have suggested (1) making a decision is the best policy; (2) treating this like a chain of command either in a military or workplace analogy; (3) keeping love and respect at the forefront; and (4) maintaining both dominance and control as much as possible to avoid inconsistency are core tenets of making this work.   Of course these are somewhat amorphous in actual application, but they generally are good things to keep in mind.  One area that is harder to fit in these particular principles is that of travel and physical distance.

As readers may know, my husband and I travel with some frequency.  This creates challenges in that we are not always physically together and often spend longer blocks many state lines apart; raising the added complication of differing time zones.  For me, the distance makes it harder to feel in control or making sure he feels my authority, as my oversight is more limited.  We keep up on the decision making deferred to me and other key elements of this, but it is done via email or phone.  We also have some rituals like texting in the morning where we affirm our commitment to this arrangement and will FaceTime to be able to see each other live, but there is just something different when not face to face.  When I travel, he packs and unpacks me so I can see that he put thought into where I am and what I am doing.  I do not do this for him, but it is a nice connection for me.

No matter the effort, there is always a few days of readjusting and reacclimating to this style of living.  I do not place many controls on his time when he is with me or not with me--i.e., I do not regulate what he reads or does or who he speaks to really.  I do like to be informed and he must ask permission before anything impacts our time or in messaging to certain people, but otherwise he has the ability to carry on his life as necessary; particularly when I am not there.  This is our particular dynamic, and I know others may have more or less degrees of control.  Perhaps more control of activity when away would help, but that seems out of place with our typical dynamic.  So in my typical rock rolling fashion, I wonder with frequency how to manage this not only with the realities of life, but also that of distance.

Now that I have told you what we do, I am curious as to any of you who travel or your partner travels, and how you deal with this distance? Do you have special rituals either while away or on return home? Do you exert more control (or wish more was exerted) when not physically in the same place? As submissives, do you enjoy the ostensible greater freedom or would you prefer more limits in place? And what would those be? What is it that you crave when physical presence is impossible?

Parenting and a FLR

As readers of this blog are aware, I am not a believer in turning this on and off based on audience. While that is easier around adults, who often are self-absorbed and only really see things that directly impact them, it is different when dealing with children.  The question becomes how you maintain your FLR without making your husband look weak either as a man or a father.  Now, I do not think that making the choice to be a submissive husband shows any weakness--in fact, quite the opposite. It shows a dedication to his partner and a recognition of her being better able to lead and make choices. That is not weakness, but rather just good sense when that, in fact, is your chosen dynamic or reality. But do the conventions that still permeate society cast shadow on the beauty of that choice? Will older children look to a female led relationship as one of a weak father and overbearing mother or just accept it as the norm for this family? Will younger children model the mother's behavior and expect service from their father in the same or similar way?

In some ways, no matter what the acknowledged dynamic is, women often are responsible for the home and a de facto leader (at least in that space), whether or not anyone openly recognizes it. How many times do fathers say, ask your mother? Whether this is simply disinterest in making a choice, avoidance of a decision that may get overturned or a genuine deference to the mother, it does not really matter because it is ultimately creating an expectation the mother/female will have the final say.  Most people would not see a statement such as this as some acknowledgment of female authority or otherwise think this deviated much from the norm.  So if it is ok in that instance, why would it transform into weakness just because there is an open acknowledgment of her authority? I do not think it has to, but I struggle with making sure he does not feel that way and does not become marginalized in some way by the fact we openly agree I am in charge.

I am also not a believer in ultimate female superiority.  Each relationship is unique and there are certain people who simply are better suited for a female led dynamic.  So my take on how we do this does not stem from a place of believing men are inferior or born to serve.  This creates some complication in allowing a submissive husband to serve and take direction, but without impacting or undercutting his masculinity.  For me, this manifests in my husband remaining an active partner and being responsible for essentially running our house.  I do expect him to serve me and defer to me generally, but not to wait on me hand and foot, if that makes sense.  Of course, this creates its own set of issues because it is not per se black and white.  And as we get more comfortable with this, it now raises questions as to its impact on our family dynamic.

Our daughters are younger and are watching this relationship take shape.  As children are little sponges, I am observing how they are adapting to this dynamic in almost hyper speed.  As we spent this weekend together, I watched each of them ask only him for certain things--juice, snacks, whatever.  They tended not to ask me to do anything for them, but not in a disrespectful way.  More that they simply expected their father to be the one to assist them.  Part of that is just what dads do and he has always been active in their care, but it seemed more that they were aware of the fact he is the one to go to for these types of things exclusively now, whereas I am the one to come to for permission or a decision on something.

As we talked about that shift later in the evening, my husband made the excellent point that he did not want to end up a short order cook.  Just being given orders by an army of little females and essentially becoming a servant to them just because he is submissive to me.  I imagine other people in this lifestyle struggle with the same thing.  And it is something that requires real thought and attention, as it does not make sense to hide it from your children if you are really committed to this, but it obviously raises questions of allowing them to be part of this when they do not necessarily have the cognitive understanding to process its complexities.

During this conversation, I reminded him that in terms of service, it is really only to me.  As part of that, I do expect he will care for our children and attend to their needs, but not in the same way. Specifically, I think it is appropriate when he asks if anyone needs anything before he sits down, but I do not expect him to get up multiple times because each of them decides halfway through dinner that she wants milk or juice or whatever she did not want five minutes before when he asked.  I also want them to remain self-sufficient, and while I get to enjoy the privilege of a drink always being brought to me, I do not think they have earned that yet.  His service to me is a trade off of what we do, whereas they do not contribute in that manner or take on the responsibilities I have so it should necessarily be different.  He can pour them a drink, but my expectation is that most of the time, they will walk over to get it.  It is this balance that I have to further articulate/explore so that we do not hide what we do or that I am in charge, but that he remains a respected man and father.  I do not believe these are mutually exclusive at all, but there is some work that needs to go into how this is presented and represented to children to avoid that.  And while it is easier to address these subtleties when dealing with getting up from dinner or who gets juice, it undoubtedly will be much harder as this continues and they grow into young women.

At the end of the day, it is important for him to be strong in everyone's eyes without shifting our power dynamic or introducing ambiguity either between us or within our family.  Because our children are younger, I sense that they will just acclimate easier and come to expect who makes the decision without second thought because it is really all they know.  But I want to do it in a way that does not undercut his role as a father or a man.  For people who are open about this (either in word or deed) in front of their children, please share how you do it and how it has impacted the family dynamic.

 

Is Our Kink The New Unrecognized Norm?

I realized today when one of my favorite bloggers made reference to me as a former blogger, that time has (once again) played me.  It has been way too long, but as work stress has been particularly acute, the creative part of my mind has been dormant.  So here I am, back to blogging.  I make no promises as to the interesting nature of this post or its coherency.

I actually have been so under water that I have not been keeping up on other blogs.  I checked in on my staples today and realized femdom101 is on hiatus of sorts.  I will say that Kathy's step back from this sphere is a loss, one in which I hope will be short lived.  Her words have always been inspiring and led me to believe this could all be done with love, compassion and retention of intimacy.  I hope she returns to the blogging world quickly.  But, as she said, younger women should take up the cause too, so I thought I should try to do my part to keep these issues at the forefront.  I am not quite so young, but I am certainly of a generation that perhaps idealized egalitarianism (at least politely), which (as I have blogged about before) seems to be somewhat unworkable and not very realistic.    Just a nice concept that you raise when convenient.

In thinking about what to post tonight, several topics came to mind.  We have a particular complication of significant travel, which breeds issues with consistency and maintaining day to day living of this.  I also think feminization and orgasm control are probably things at some point that will come up.  But tonight, I wanted to discuss the increasing normalcy (albeit unrecognized in most cases) of the FLR.

When we first started this, I thought it absolutely revolutionary.  How could I possibly take on all of the decisions and be responsible for the final choice? How? I struggled immensely with the idea of breaking from what my generation espouses--equality, egalitarianism, and some concept of an equal marriage.  Bullshit I say, as I do not think any relationship is ever really equal.  Who can yell the loudest or exert the most emotional control is the same as directing a decision, but in a much much more destructive way.  But as I worried about how to take all of this on, it dawned on me that in many ways, I was pretty much already doing it; but without the open acknowledgment that distinguishes these types of relationships.  And that clarity of just admitting how this goes, is life changing.

Clearly I am not saying every relationship is necessarily female led or dominated.  Not at all.  But when you really think about the people you know or how their lives work, there is a far more prevalent group of people practicing this in some form or another than I ever thought.  Perhaps it is just my circle, but I am amazed by the number of women I know who run their successful professional lives and home life in somewhat the same manner.

Division of labor has always been a norm.  Women for many decades ran the home while the men worked, or back in the day, hunting v. gathering; each with its own critical role.  While many see "women's work" as degrading or less than, I challenge that even the women in much more oppressive times were actually exerting control. In fact, many women were responsible for raising children, tending to the house, budgeting, etc.  How can anyone say this is not leadership in some form or another? It may not be conventional, but a wife completely raising the children and running the house with overt decision making power in certain respects does not seem very passive to me.

Fast forwarding to now, many women I know do not even think twice about being in charge.  Most would not go so far as to call it an FLR, but any time in this journey when I have explored any part of this with a female friend of mine, I usually get a response back that is something akin to "Duh, this is just how we do it."  None of them would know or use the term FLR.  They just live in worlds where they make many, if not all, of the decisions.  They chalk it up to different skill sets or being more organized or whatever, but in reality, they make most of the decisions and decide how much input from their spouse that they want, if any at all.  But ask any of them, and they will say the marriage is equal.  I find it baffling to some extent, and wish women who genuinely lead could just embrace it, if that is what works for you and your husband.  How it plays out in a particular relationship is obviously unique, but I have observed more and more that women are stepping up, but just do not take the final step of embracing it or acknowledging it.  

As an anecdote, we were at dinner with my family a few weeks ago. My father's specialty is filling drinks but I have always seen this as something that he loves to do and so he chooses to do it.  But as I sat there, watching my mother (who never worked outside the home, if it matters), tap her glass and say my father's name, he came right over, with a perfectly mixed cocktail he poured for her and my aunt.  He is a highly accomplished professional, but as soon as she said his name, he had mixed a drink and headed right over.  No request, no could you please, just the bald expectation he would care for her in this way and know what she needed/wanted.  Now, maybe this means nothing and is just something he likes to do with booze.  But it struck me that you never really know what goes on in a relationship, and that traditional roles really do not exist anymore.

Not everyone may be in this open of a female leading, but certainly more and more women are deciding to take control.  So to the women out there who are considering this, I say--jump in. You probably are already doing most of it anyway, and the open acknowledgment of it makes it easier--for both of you.  It takes out shifting expectations and hurt feelings.  It is not without struggle or challenge, but why pretend you are being equal when it is not really that way at all? If he wants this, and you want to explore it, you should.  

How many of you see the FLR or female dominated (however subtle) relationship unfolding in front of you? Is it because we are drawn to like mindeds or is it the start of a real shift? Just my thoughts on this Friday as I try to get back into the swing of blogging.  Have a great weekend, everyone.

On Consistency

So, as a favorite blogger pointed out, the trend in men who wish to be submissive is more.  More strictness, more authority, more discipline. But, most importantly, more consistency.  Consistency is something every female in an FLR likely struggles with.  Or at least I do. 

The choice between letting something slide one day and enforcing the next pervades daily life.  There are a great many influences that impact a given choice, but generally speaking, remaining constant is key.  Ironically, I often say that the only constant is change. But in an FLR, that principle does not work.  You cannot be angry one day for a specific infraction and then let it slide another.  It is just not fair.  Nor can you decide one day to be strict and the other to let it go.  I do not mean to suggest there are not variant circumstances, but generally, it does not seem fair to create a spectrum of what an FLR is on a given day.  You cannot be a disciplinarian and expect to be called Mistress one day and then the next let it all go and retreat to when it was easier and you only passively made decisions. 

What we agree to do as leaders is set the path. It in NO way means we don't make mistakes or make choices that are more self-interested than that of the overall family on a given day, but it does mean that we have a responsibility to be consistent. We have to identify the things or actions for which there are consequences. And we have to enforce them. And we have to lead.  Right or wrong, we have to step up.  I keep repeating in my mind an exceptionally powerful comment that making a decision, even a wrong one, is better than not making one.  You can always fix a poor choice, but indecision or inconsistency cannot really be fixed.  

Submissive men (or women) give an extraordinary gift.  Their love, devotion, service and absolute trust in a leader is not something to be ignored or glossed over.  It is to be protected and celebrated. But it comes with a cost.  Leaders need to be strong, better than we used to be, and cognizant of the submissive's needs.  It is not that we must acquiesce to whatever they need or want at the time, but we have to anticipate what might be coming and do what is in everyone's best interest.  This is a tremendous responsibility on the one hand, but also a very simple one.  Be consistent.  Be aware of the other person's needs and do the best we can. 

I am not even close to always right.  But I try.  I think about my decisions, their impact on my husband or our family, and make the choice I think are right.  What I need to get better at is remaining consistent.  Keeping that in my mind.  Identifying what upsets me, what makes me happy and what maybe is less important and enforcing appropriately.  Shifting expectations do no one any good and for most of us, avoiding that is why we started this journey.  So those are my thoughts on this Monday.  Feel free to comment.  

Realities of Life

So it has been a little while....apparently blogging is harder to navigate with real life than I thought! Which leads me to my topic today of balancing what we do with the realities of life.  Being in a FLR simplifies things in many respects- it provides defined roles and expectations, and an open acknowledgment of who makes decisions.  It takes out a lot of the back and forth or use of emotional means of securing what you want anyway.  When everything runs smoothly and everyone is on the same page about the path, it is relatively easy to live this lifestyle.

What is much harder, though, is to navigate this path when life intervenes.  Either in the form of outside sources or influences like work crises or third party personal relationships, or just sometimes when you as a leader are wrong about a decision.  We had some things arise over the last few weeks that I struggle very much with how to balance in this new path.  I know that many people who have lived this lifestyle for awhile probably know exactly how to handle these issues or are comfortable with just saying the female is in charge and that is that.  That is not a place I am at yet.

My husband had a work crisis a few weeks ago that was very emotionally difficult.  It led to him feel unsettled, concerned and raised some old emotional ghosts for him, which then impacted our communications and interactions.  There were things we agreed to that went by the way side and I struggled to figure out whether he needed me to be more dominant or more sympathetic.  I understand conceptually they are not mutually exclusive, but when you are dealing with a human being who is hurting about things outside of your control, it is difficult to then inflict a punishment for a transgression in your agreement--even though it is exactly what you would have done in different circumstances.

I wasn't sure if what he needed was for me to just take control and enforce what we agreed however small or give him a break.  As anyone who has read this knows, I struggle with balance all of the time.  And this is particularly difficult because it involves things outside of us that nonetheless impact us.  I ultimately gave him a break on some things but then tried to get us back to our path when the dust settled a little.  But even in that, he reacted badly to a small order/decision I made that I thought was inconsequential and ended up being very upset over it.  I think it mostly had to do with what was going on around us, but then it made me feel like maybe this only works when it is easy.  It led to an internal debate that him reacting badly or me offering leniency somehow means I have not been the leader I promised I would be.  Or that I have built in some escape hatch when life gets difficult.

Have any of you lived through that? How have you handled it? Did you want more or less control? Or did you take more control or allow for some leniency?

The reality is this type of lifestyle cannot be turned on and off if it is to be meaningful.  But it also is not linear at all.  In fact, each day brings some challenge that in some way or another either reinforces or undermines this choice.  I want to lead in the best way that I can, and I believe sometimes that requires leniency.  But I worry about the confusion that brings or it sliding into a situation where there is always an excuse for why things were not what we agreed.

It is difficult to lead and to feel that the choices you make are really in everyone's best interest.  I have read that when you assume control, your path is simply the right choice because it is what you think.  But that feels oversimplified to me because I am not always sure what is right.  I do not know if that is something that gets easier with time or practice, or if it is always something that plagues females who lead.  Do you ever feel entirely comfortable that you make the right choice all the time?

What about in the circumstance when you perhaps admit you did not make the best objective choice? I was upset about something last night that was probably overblown and based almost entirely on an unrelated outside influence.  I also did a poor job of identifying that I was upset in the moment rather than over a span of several days, which he thought, and felt to him like a shifting expectation or trap. We did not completely escalate into a fight, but it was clear he disagreed with me.  In the end, I also realized the position I took may have been slightly unfair or related to things in our past that I have not let go of as much as I should.  I think he struggles too because he can be truthful with me about how he feels about something, but if I read something else into it (either fairly or unfairly), there is not much he can say to convince me otherwise.  It is kind of the trap of this type of lifestyle too- you demand honesty, which he gives, but then you are in charge so you can still say it is not enough or the right answer.  Which feels unfair, admittedly, but I am only human too.   Do the female leaders just always get to be right?

I cannot really live in a relationship where his opinion simply does not matter or that I do not take his disagreement into account, but it also feels like that can lead to a shift away from real female leadership.  If you have experienced this (from either side), I would love to hear how you handle these types of issues; what works or does not work; and what you would want your partner to do.

On Being Open

As we have started to do this for longer, the question inevitably becomes how do you handle it in public? As anyone who has read this knows, I struggle from time to time with achieving the right balance or feeling there is constant consistency in my authority (whatever that means).  I doubt we will ever be in a place where I would be completely open about it or maybe even to be able to joke like I have read many people can.

For a lot of different reasons, what we do or how we do it has to have some veil in the outside world. But, at the same time, it becomes somewhat impossible to really do this and take control or be in charge (or the other way around for him) if it is not all the time.  I think it would be terribly confusing for it to just be at the house or just around certain people or just whatever.  That seems to me to go against the exact reason we started this--to have clear boundaries and expectations.

Knowing all of this intellectually, conceptually or emotionally, much like anything, does not make it a bit easier to put into practice.  If anything, it makes it harder.  Because there is no real rule book for a couple trying to do this the way I want to, and which takes his needs into account too or the realities of our lives.  So this particular issue has great significance because it is the public face of the relationship and how we choose to show or demonstrate some or parts of what we do, without wearing a sandwich board up and down the street.

In many ways, being in a community or with a network of friends who do this would be ideal because there would be no need to shield anything because everyone is more or less like minded.  But in the real world of professional lives, personal lives and private lives, it is not as easy.

If this is a lifestyle choice you decide to make, it makes logical sense that it must, in fact, be your lifestyle.  I think I worry far more what people would think or interpret than actually probably is likely.  In my experience, most people are wrapped up in their own life and so pay far less attention to others' lives than we think.  That is a somewhat freeing proposition because it allows for your life to be your own and be less constrained by what you fear others may say or think.

In the spirit of all of this, we have been trying to put more of what we choose to do into day to day practice.  The results are somewhat surprising but correlate with the theory that people rarely care what you are doing as long as it does not directly impact them or hold some particular interest for them.  I will relay two short anecdotes to underscore my point about why I think openness does not have to be explicit and can really reinforce what we are all doing (or thinking of doing).

We had some people over to our house on Saturday and were dealing with one million child related things.  My husband was amazing at taking care of all of us, without my friend noticing more than simply he is a great guy and sharing the delightful accolade of how lucky I am (which I am).  He held boxes, brought libations, made snacks, played in the pool with the kids and just generally helped out. I do not think he felt over used or even that I would require any of those specific things, but he genuinely likes to make my life easier and this was one such time.  And what I discovered was that instead of me asking him a bajillion times if he was ok or would he mind, I just told him what I needed if there was something beyond what he was already doing.  He did it without questions and no one really was the wiser.  Clearly I did not just bark orders, but if you listened closely, you would know it was not a request.  At the end of the night I realized how much fun we all had, and how it was okay to let some of this show.  My friend had no idea or even if she did, did not really get phased by it or curious, but rather just appreciated that her drink was always full and we were well taken care of.

In a similar fashion, we were at a super bowl party on Sunday, and my aunt was trying to lug a huge case of beer across their backyard.  There were no fewer than twenty five able bodied men at said party and not one person thought to help her.  That shocked me for several reasons, but perhaps is a post for a different day.  My husband (who only did not notice because he was attending to my request for an adult beverage) turned to look at me to see which one I wanted, saw me signal ever so slightly to my aunt and immediately crossed the back yard to take the beer from her and deliver it to where it needed to be.  It was a great moment because no one thought anymore about it than he is chivalrous and kind, but we were able to ever so subtly deepen our respective roles just a little bit more.

I have said before that sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it, and interjecting small reminders of whatever your dynamic is into everyday life is one way to do that.  It does not have to be a big show or anything more than my husband will help you, or you need to do X.  For people who practice, all of this would likely be obvious and so not even worth commenting on in a like minded group.  But my point in all of this is that even in the real world with a series of variables of different personalities and the like, there are ways to be true to what you are doing without causing a big stir.  And, more importantly, I think you have to find ways to subtly (or not subtly if that is your thing) weave it in to every day life to really make it your lifestyle.

I know this topic has been covered in other blogs, but how people deal with their relationships in the "real" world is probably a topic that always could use further discussion.  If you want to share, contribute, etc. please do.

One Lucky Lady

I promise to tackle the complex topic of chastity and orgasm control shortly.  But Ill be honest that I need to think through some things on that and want to give it the appropriate consideration.  In the interim, there is one topic for which I need no thought or preparation.  And that is on why I love my husband. As much as this blog is about my own journey or thinking through the complexities of our bourgeoning FLR, it is also about his, ours and that of our family.  I feel it would not do justice to the intent of this blog to gloss over my beautiful partner and just have him be in the background.  So this particular post is much less about a FLR and much more about the incredible gift of the man that loves me and became stronger in me leading our family.  

He clearly has been posting, and may even do a guest appearance at some point, but for now--to truly understand me or this, you have to understand our love.  I have posted before that we met in college. Many years ago, and in what probably was a fledgling form of an FLR--albeit a harsher one of sorts. I was slightly older and had reservations about people knowing or it getting too "serious," given the impending graduation.  I regret every second of not just embracing us.  I loved him, but I am certain I was terrible about showing that.  And he went along with it because he loved me too.  He actually reminded me our first kiss was him kneeling on the side of my bed in a dorm room.  I guess we should have known then!

Fast forward two failing marriages and a decade of wondering who we had become, when we reconnected.  Within five minutes of talking at a lunch full of people we had known forever, he knew something was disastrously wrong with me.  It was actually before I really realized I needed to be divorced, but he knew that I was no longer the woman I once had been.  I had been with various people all weekend--close friends who months later when I disclosed the impending divorce--were shocked and had no idea there was even anything wrong.  And that  is exactly my point--this man could see me in five minutes and know I was no longer who I had been and how badly I had strayed from that person I once was, before I honestly even realized it myself.  He had nothing to do with any of it of course (just putting that issue to bed).  I needed to get a divorce for many, many reasons and both my ex and I knew that on some level. But we had a kid so we were making it work, until the point it was irreparably broken (which was at least a year before said reconnection and involves some things no one can get over).  

Anyway, he was there for me as a friend only for a long time.  And then I realized one day I was still so powerfully in love with this man.  And so I told him.  And magically, he still loved me too and sacrificed much to make that love a reality.  And we have struggled with making it work with geographic issues or just the realities of our life, but our love has never ever waned.  It has always been this epically powerful kind of love.  I tell him sometimes I think we were split from the same whole--filling in each other's cracks and just generally finding ways to understand the other person on a primal level.  As ridiculously hokey as this sounds, we were made for each other.  [Side note: his taste in music is terrible, and he loves him some pop rock so he will appreciate characterizing this in some of teeny bop notion of being made for each other.]

This is not to say we do not have struggles or difficulties, but the love that is our foundation is too powerful to ever ignore.  We, like many in this world, have had some bad stretches.   But, part of what is so interesting about this journey is just how far we have come in a relatively short period of time.  And how distant and far away those rough patches seem.  And, perhaps most importantly, that this experience and really trying to find a way to live a FLR has helped with that.  

He mentioned today he was thanking the various men who had posted a link to this blog on their blog or otherwise had particularly kind things to say about me or this.  And as I sat at my desk being annoyed by everyone around me, I glowed with some pride.  I did not tell him to do this (I would not have ever thought of it), but he did it because he felt it was important to be respectful to me by being respectful to others who were kind.  It was an amazing moment.  

When I realized how much he loves this aspect of our life--me in charge or as an authority figure, but also in making me happy, better or otherwise making my life easier--it just reinforced the feeling I have always had that he is the love of my life and the only person I could ever take this journey with. Our life has really changed so dramatically. He is more active as a partner in our life than ever before, we both function better and we just have deepened a bond I was not sure could ever be deeper.  And I just thought he deserved to have that written about him, just as the other aspects of our life are on display in some form or another in this forum.  

We also had a conversation about me being good at being in charge, or vice versa re him. And all I could think is that I am better because of you.  Just as that is all he could think too.  Maybe its circular logic, but it doesn't really matter.  He is just magic and his gift of surrender or submission (however you style it) is priceless and so so very important for me to nurture in the best way for our family.  

I hope for each of you out there that you find this same beauty and peace, either in your dominance, your submission/surrender or in your relationship more generally.  That your spouse or partner is the person who is best suited for your particular needs, and that you find joy in whatever type of relationship you are in.  For us, I am pretty sure it is this.  We really were always kind of just searching for each other and the more true versions of ourselves that are only brought out by each other.  

On The Ever Complicated Topic Of Discipline

In reading through the comments and thinking about what might be an interesting topic, I saw two themes developing that I think we should explore together.  I will deal with them separately, much as I love jam packing blog posts with one bajillion thoughts and statements.  Although, as I reread this, it is an epic one.  Grab a seat. I apparently have much to say on this tonight.  Each of these topics seems to deserve its own attention, and I expect may generate more opinion, perspective and thought than maybe others I have written on in my very short blogging time.

The topic that seems to emerge either impliedly or explicitly is discipline, which this post will focus on, and the second is orgasm control or male chastity more generally.  I will attack that after we see how this goes.

I am not--like pretty much like everything else I am writing on--any sort of expert, theorist nor snake oil salesman who wants to sell you a bill of goods on any of this.  It is simply the chronicle of my/our journey, and an attempt to address topics that I found frightening, interesting and immensely complicated when I first started looking at this as a choice.  I simply present this as such and will let you draw your own conclusion or take what you will from it.

I expect opinions, feelings and sentiments will vary widely on these topics.  As I have said before, and will likely repeat ad nauseum, there is not one path for everyone nor one way that makes this real, true or pure--at least from my perspective.  I will also preface that I am not trying to generalize as to anything or ascribe a point of view to any particular group- but me continuing to say "in my opinion" or the like probably will spawn a hilarious drinking game where everyone ends up in trouble.  So I will just assume that because we are all adults and this is a blog, that you know this is my opinion rather than some form of larger credo or form of gospel.  And so with my massive disclaimers, let us discuss.

As one of our charming contributors pointed out, there is often a divide between a FLR and more traditional Domestic Discipline.  While I have read that many in femdom or FLR use corporal punishment either in sex or as part of discipline, there are also an equal number that seem to prefer not to use it.  Coming up with other forms of discipline or behavior correction such as corner time, extra chores, a stern or disapproving warning or the like.  There also seem to be many in a DD relationship that do not really subscribe to the larger assumption of authority by a female outside of the specific and agreed upon behaviors to be corrected.

I find it surprising there does not seem to much overlap between these two areas--particularly where, as one contributor pointed out, giving your spouse the ability to correct or manage certain behaviors is--at least for that area--an exchange of some form of power.  I have no skin in the game of which one is better, right or works for you.  I sincerely hope that whatever relationship you are in absolutely works for you, and brings you joy and happiness.  If these topics do not, I understand and will mix it up with some bad Greek myth references in the next weeks.

Anyway, in first looking at all of this however long ago, I realized I had no real sense of how to discipline or punish.  I certainly understood the accountability aspect and that if I set expectations or required certain services, behavior or actions, there had to be some form of consequence should such not occur in the manner I wanted.  Unfortunately, the actual carrying out of this amorphous accountability was not just in my wheel house.

Much as I wish my glowering stare could inspire immediate contrition, that is just not realistic.  And my go to move of correcting some behavior I did not like with my ex was basically screaming, long periods of stony silence or some really awesome moves like jumping out of a car (it was mostly stopped).  So here I sat--searching different blogs and trying to understand even the basic difference between discipline, punishment and the different theories, thoughts and methods behind it.  While also trying desperately to find something I could live with and feel ok about.

I got lost in several different things to say the least and vacillated between thinking I should buy eight canes to be used nonstop or work on that glowering stare and have that be the end of it.  And as I read different examples of what people did or how people were disciplined or punished for specific things or in certain instances, I understood even less about what would work for me.  So came the great up and downhill rock rolling of what kind of discipline, should it be corporal, can I do that, should I do it severely, what do I do when that is not tied to the issue, and on an on an on.

But really, as with everything about this, it is a personal journey and you have to find what works for you.  And sometimes it is one thing, and other times it is something else, and sometimes we just do the best we can.

So with all of that prefatory rambling out of the way, here is where we started and what we do.  If you don't want to know or disagree with anything I have said, thanks for stopping by and I hope something else I will say is more of your liking later.

My sweet husband and I have enjoyed some form of spanking kink for while.  He is really the only person I could explore that aspect with for whatever reason (probably because he is just magic).  We would throw it into our sex life on occasion and always some form of great role play.  I fancied myself a switch, which really meant that sometimes I just wanted to be a naughty girl under her Big Daddy's hand (things just got interesting, right?!) or more typically, a woman in serious charge.  He also claimed the same, but as I said to him a few months ago, it was really more than he knew I liked that on occasion and was willing to provide that to me.  The idea of spanking him as a punishment really never crossed my mind.

Then, as things kind of turned into me always being in charge in the bedroom and it started to creep into the rest of our life and we realized we had not switched in a really, really long time, we both realized maybe things had changed in our dynamic generally and I raised how he would feel about being spanked as a punishment.  I certainly do not think he loves it, but I also think there is something to the immediacy of it and the ability to wipe the slate clean.  It is not drawn out, it is different than anything else we do, and then it is over.  I will also be clear that this rarely comes up actually.  I loathe it and I am sure he does too.  It is very different than anything else we do--different room, different implements, different demeanor, and really only for certain very, very specific things. I also genuinely think it is so much less about it being a more painful experience physically than him knowing how much I hate it and wanting to avoid that rather than the pain itself.

But as we decided that punishment spankings were reserved for pretty limited things, I (again) rock rolled about what the hell to do about everything else.  I told Dan--Disciplined Hubby that I was trying a punishment fits the crime approach.  To some extent that is true, but what is the appropriate punishment for not specifically carrying out something I asked (especially when it is the product of two households, in two different states, really demanding jobs and a mess of tiny children)? Corner time? Going to the store to get the thing he forget (this one I do)? Washing his mouth out with soap (which I get if there is some sass involved)? Enemas (No thanks)? ETC....I literally have no clue.

So we implemented the concept of a more frequent spanking.  Not at all a punishment spanking but not pure play either.  I have specific instruments I use (and which I have an excellent source I love) and there is a whole ritual that goes along with it.  And what we have both discovered is that is satisfies a whole series of things that I think works for us.  He likes it because it is a physical reinforcement of my authority (much like men who are caged might feel?), we each find some way of releasing stress, sharpening focus and being centered to our relationship (which DtBHC specifically raised in a comment is what he gets from it so apparently we are not alone) and it also kind of addresses some of the small things that we let go with a reminder he wants to be good and obedient when he feels that lasting sting during the day, and is also a little fun.  So that's pretty much our mainstay.  With specific offenses meriting a much less fun trip to the home office, and the in between either getting wrapped up in the maintenance discipline or addressed separately.

I also had a beautiful paddle made that he is responsible for putting in my purse when we go out. It is a small, custom hairbrush in purple wood with my initials. I fully expect I will never have to use it, as he is a delight in social settings, but it is there as a reminder that I could. And so this part of what we do I think is our particular physical manifestation of my authority beyond me just kind of being assertive, expecting his service and otherwise being in charge. It is a specific way to remind each of us who is in charge.  Not really the physical act per se or the pain associated (even if minimally), but the idea he just submits to me when I say and that I am the final arbiter of any behavior I wish to correct--anywhere, any time.

The day to day discipline or correction is honestly more what I struggle with.  The right (drinking game go) Balance to correct but not turn me into a school marm.  If anyone has insight about what works for them in the day to day, I'd love to hear (just as I would generally re your thoughts as to this topic).  He rarely needs it but I feel like I want to have some canned reactions to specific issues so at least I can be swift and efficient, and not leave him feeling like one day he gets punished for something that I let go two days later because I don't have time to deal with it or I just don't know what to do.

Anyway, this is clearly a tip of the iceberg type post....as I think we can all agree whatever form discipline takes in a FLR (corporal or otherwise), it clearly factors in and is likely something we should discuss as this little blog continues.

So there we are fellow readers....Let me hear you.

The Search For Balance: Unicorn, Task of Sisyphus Or Reality?

First, I want to say a tremendous thank you to each person who has contributed, posted my blog as a link (assuming that is even the right terminology!) or otherwise just been so positive about this little endeavor.  If I failed to reply to an individual comment, it is unintentional. I had a weird day where all I wanted to do was tell a specific male client exactly what he could do with his snark and disrespect, but I digress.  Or the dude who almost bowled me over in trying to get out of the elevator like it was on fire--I mean, come on. FLR or not, let's at least be moderately respectful of my six inch heels and not literally push me back by the force of your unnecessarily dramatic exit.  Again, a digression I am sure will be a post shortly.

One of the themes I struggle with in my own mind has come out in several comments.  This concept of balance and how to achieve it.  On the one hand, I have read several posts or blogs where men seem to just want more dominance, more control, more expressions of authority.  I certainly understand that conundrum--they are asking to serve and to be submissive, and need a woman who can take that on and give them the clarity and clear expectations they seek. And, frankly respect of the choice they have made.  It is both beautiful and daunting.

On the other hand, I find myself wondering sometimes how the hell to do that in practical terms. What is the right balance between being in charge and taking the decision fatigue away from your partner (while also having the comfort in the clarity/authority of your own decision making), but feeling like you are not just telling him what to do or, more worrisome, colossally making some form of a scarring mistake.  It is my point in referencing the mythical punishment of just rolling a huge ball up the hill to watch it roll down again, and then back up the hill......Sometimes that is how I feel this internal mind struggle of mine would look if put to imagery. Or maybe wrapping around axles for you gearheads.

As my beautiful husband pointed out when we were talking about this earlier today (and he discovered my blog), adding more to my plate by making me micromanage him doesn't really address what we are trying to do--find ways for him to actively help and contribute that allow me the freedom to lead.  There is such a beautiful gift in a man's submission and I know that he wants me to be ultimately in charge.

Someone saying to you, I love you and trust you to lead me is its own unicorn of sorts (what many women (or men--Not trying to exclude anyone!) would dream of), but I at least would be straight up lying if I said I was not wondering how I can ever measure up to such an incredible gift and the true effort that needs to go into such nurturing.  So therein lies the great debate.  How to lead and give the beautiful man who offers to support you in all ways the authority and clarity he needs from you without being a micromanager or somehow failing him in this and what he clearly needs or has asked for, and which you may or may not even understand yourself. {Please forgive the inherently rambling sentences}

I am not sure I yet know the answer, and I worry sometimes that even asking how he is or what he is feeling or where he wants to come out on something that I am somehow shirking my responsibilities to take ownership of the decision(s).  It really is not that. I genuinely want to know what he wants, needs or feels so I can develop the best strategy for our seemingly increasingly complicated life.  I want to make sure I am considering all the options and making him feel respected and heard.  But, then the worry creeps in. Am I being assertive enough? Am I showing him he can trust me? Am I giving him the control and dominance/authority he seems to want/should expect from me? Or am I just backdooring the same kind of no, you decide, as long as it is what I want (but which I will totally not tell you), from which we both fled in previous marriages.

So this is my struggle.  In finding balance between giving him the authority he craves and has asked for, and in being confident in my ability to truly lead, with the overlay of fear that I may make him feel inconsequential or just generally hurt him emotionally in some irreparable way by my choices (see earlier post re childish flouncing).  I said in response to a comment earlier, that I think this grayer area is the hardest to navigate.  Simply controlling all choice, or giving up all choice, is easier in some respects, but it is not what I wish to have. So I continue to search for the right, and possibly mythical, unicorn of balance.

In the event you may be a dominant partner who is reading this and struggling with this same thing, fear not! At least one other person faces this minute by minute.  Submissive husbands/partners, I say to you that I also get it and respect it.  And I am hopeful with all of the amazing voices that have already started to contribute that we can all start to articulate answers to what are clearly amorphous issues, and both generalized and specific struggles.  Submissive men, please share too....I am fascinated by what you may really want when you say I need or want more control or authority or dominance--please, please share specifically if you can.  Dominant women, speak of how you deal with what I hope is not just a struggle for me.

But, maybe the search for balance is neither mythical beast nor rock rolling, but something that can be achieved with hard work and dedication to your relationship.

Please keep sharing and contributing.  The feeling of isolation that can come from starting out with this, particularly when you do not have friends or fellow submissives or dominants with whom to share live can be daunting.  I remember re-reading specific posts of particularly poignant words and thinking, ok, maybe this is possible in my sphere of comfort, and reading them time and time again to make them less ethereal.  Many of the posts on blogs I highlighted brought me a sense of peace and normalcy I guess.  I'll just hope I can offer even a shred of that to my reading audience.

This can be a world of love, respect and a strengthening of an emotional bond that I never even thought possible.  But it is a struggle, at least for me.  A daily inquiry into what I am doing and what I can best do to lead us certainly comes up in spades, but it is a journey in which I believe is wholeheartedly worth both the investment and investigation to figure out how to do it (mostly) right. Or at least fake it until I make it.

Thoughts, comments, questions, etc. welcome.  And thank you all for the support. It is immeasurably comforting.

Being More Accountable

I was speaking with my best friend yesterday, and who is the only person (other than all of you) with whom I have shared this particular aspect of our life.  She and I are very different in certain respects but our personalities in many ways are also very similar. As we were discussing this, I suggested she think about it for herself. And, in fact, was probably already doing it without realizing it.  Her partner is older and this would be a second marriage for him.  He seeks her counsel on everything from dealing with his children who are older and struggling more with his divorce than expected, to finances to general career path type issues.  They are in the gray space my husband and I were in where he seems to want your input and overarching design, but then has some hand wringing about it because he still feels like he has to make the ultimate choice.  I suggested as we were talking, that she should just raise the concept of her outwardly taking on more of the decision making and take away some of the struggle in being indecisive.

As I said to her, I am not sure all women or all men are suited for this.  I am not a believer that women are inherently superior or better at making decisions. I respect that others may have that opinion or even the contrary, but it is just not my belief.  What I do subscribe to, though, is that in certain relationships and at least in mine, that we are better suited to allow me to lead.  He has naturally submissive tendencies and wants to serve me and our family in the best and most productive means possible. That, plus me being naturally dominant in certain respects, means this works for us. But I could only lead in this manner with my husband, just as I know he could really only submit to me.  My closest friend I think also shares some of those qualities as it relates to her relationship and I am hopeful she may look at the benefit of this.

In any event, that conversation sparked my thoughts about this entry.  As I was trying to articulate how things had gotten so much better since we started this, I realized two things.  One, submission is not about simply yielding control.  It is complex and complicated, and requires a trust that the dominant partner will not just exercise control or authority in his or her best interest alone.  There are many men who can just take orders or women who can just give them, but I think the distinguishing factor about the FLR I want to have is that the decision making or control is only a part of it.  That he can expect me to be accountable to our relationship by also acting with love and in the best interest of our family.  It is not just that I expect to be obeyed in all decisions or otherwise...I do, but there has to be more to it. I have to also be acting in a way that is best for us as a whole so he wants to and can feel safe in the submission.  I am not trying to ascribe an ideology to any person, as I understand each submissive male may see submission differently or a dominant Woman may likewise disagree with what I am saying.  That is the nature of discussions and I am interested to hear from people who agree, disagree, etc., as this is a complex topic and it is endlessly interesting for me to see how this manifests for others.

The second thing I realized from this conversation was also the change in me from starting this.  As I was thinking about his accountability to me or my general responsibility to be mindful of the overall path, I also realized that I am accountable to him by needing to really think through my actions.  I was a person who flounced out of rooms when I was pissed. It is a style I developed with my ex husband as well so it is hard to not just get up and slam a door when I am upset about something.  However, I did that more recently in the heat of a discussion about something I did not like, and the impact was so different than it had been before.  I left him confused and sad, and feeling like he did not know what to do. I felt AWFUL (once I had recovered from my flounce).  I just had not really thought through how that simple act would feel to him in this new arrangement.  How isolating it was or how unsure it would leave him.  So I resolved that I have to think through what I am doing, why I am angry or what decision I might make in a given moment with more depth than ever before.  For me, this part is the most difficult--in being a strategic and long term thinker to make sure that I have considered everything in making a decision and to make sure that I am clear in what I want, need or hold him accountable for.

This is the hardest part in certain respects--being accountable to the bigger path.  Understanding how to set clear expectations, ensure he is being held to them but also figuring out how to always make sure expectations or decisions are clear.  No one is perfect and a FLR certainly does not solve it all, but at least by taking an extra second (on most occasions) to think about the impact of my choice or action certainly has brought positive changes for me too.  But it is the part I worry most about, without question.  I hope to figure out how to know I am appropriately balancing clarity and my authority and not leaving him feeling like I either A) do not know what I am doing or B) not being dominant enough or nurturing enough of the submission I know he wants to truly give.