Finding Your Fundamental Guideposts In A FLR

Today's topic focuses on identifying the particular goals or benefits one can get from a FLR, and that ultimately that is a question only you can answer.  As we continue down this path, the more I realize how critically important it is to identify what you particularly are looking for to build your own roadmap. While probably all FLRs have elements of similarity, they are by no means alike. When we initially started this, I got bogged down in trying to figure out the "right" way to do this. While other bloggers or some books had helpful insight, ultimately I had to decide for myself and our relationship exactly what it was that I was looking to accomplish.   

It is really so personal of a journey that each party needs to identify what the unique goals and expectations will be and how that betters your marriage. Saying the words alone, while a helpful exercise in acknowledging the power shift, will never be enough. 

I have seen several different types of motivations for people pursuing a FLR or some similar construction. Some men simply want to be controlled either because of sexual or personal beliefs that make this the right or most fulfilling choice. Others want to exhibit better traits and may be unable to do so unless the choice is taken away. I think some men find freedom in a lack of decision and some need expectations to be clear. Some women (or men)  may just believe in inherent superiority while others just want to be in control of their lives. Many relationships, I suspect, have elements of all of these things.  What differentiates each one is the manner in which your personal goals and desires shape the way it is executed. 

For me, I wanted a mechanism to take control of my life and acknowledge the power shift that had started already. I don't believe all women are better suited to this lifestyle or that all relationships should be this way, but mine in particular and with my husband just made sense. I think my husband wanted clarity in expectations. Knowing what was expected of him and taking some of the burden of decision making off of him. He believed in my ability to lead and did not want to fight implicit or explicit power struggles. He wants to know what I want or need and those are the parameters of how he lives. That is much simpler than guessing about whether I really want something a specific way or if I'm going to change my mind or constantly move the target on him. It requires far more forethought about things on my part, but ultimately allows me to really identify what is important and how I want our life to be, as well as to expect it will be done in that manner. 

There is also an element for both of us in trying to be better versions of ourselves through this. Him in behavioral changes, but more importantly, in being a better father and husband by being accountable for his actions and for me, in really identifying what I actually want and taking responsibility for my choices. I could change my mind all of the time, but that defeats my particular view of the purpose of this. I want him to trust me and follow me. So I owe him consistency and overall strategic planning that will guide our family in all ways and not just to accomplish a specific goal at one data point in time. This doesn't mean I don't change my mind or at times realize I wanted something different, I'm just (usually) less arbitrary about it. 

In building your own FLR, communication about these ultimate goals and what you want from it is key. If it's to simply have no choice or say ever, that is different than one in which an opinion is considered but ultimate choice resides with the leader. Similarly, if there are specific life goals you want (i.e. stop drinking, better behavior)  or even more general overtones about wanting more or less control or firm expectations, the relationship and power dynamic has to match that. It is why there really is no one size fits all or a per se right way to do this. 

I also believe creating immovable structures can miss key developments or important changes as your relationship develops.  While consistency and clear expectations are important, the path may change over time.  Maybe initially DD is not for you but then you see a circumstance in which it could better the behavioral modification.  If you just start from one place and never accept the possibility of change or adaptation,  you miss the opportunity to develop other aspects to make this a holistic lifestyle choice. People also are not stagnant so what works even for years may not as your life changes.  Being flexible in how your relationship needs to be is important to this working and being fulfilling long term. 

This also is not right for everyone. It's not just about the concept generally but you as individual humans that are particularly suited for this. I could not necessarily do this with anyone but my husband. Just as I think the same is true for him. He is submissive to me. Not generally or to every woman. 

So this is a constantly evolving process. One in which you should start from general goals or expectations unique to you but also learn and change as it develops. It's a journey, without a doubt. And as they say, enjoy that journey not just the destination.