The Devil Is In The Details: Managing The Day To Day

Hello all....It has been a surprisingly long time, but a new job and various family and life commitments have just kind of taken over.  I had some time to myself this morning, and after catching up on my favorite blogs, thought it might be time to dive back in.

Apparently trying to take on a Herculean task in my foray back to the blogging world, I figured I would take a pass at trying to figure out the best way to find your own version of "what is the point." And I wrote that, then trashed it because it is really a reiteration of what I have already discovered. This is a Hydra. It constantly evolves, and while there are some fundamental guide points, it is so unique and different for each couple and at each phase of their lives, that there is no real answer to that question; or at least not one that is constant.

So instead, I am going to focus on the part of this that trips me up the most. The day to day. I am a person who likes the tangible and concrete. I love specific examples and particular scenarios to kind of find a baseline and then be able to apply it.  I have found that is far less possible in a FLR than I first thought.  I had hoped that once I decided to lead, and he to follow, that it would kind of just work like that.  I would give commands and set expectations, and he would follow them and provide his active participation as requested.  And we would have an established system related to consequences that would set our life on a clear and regulated path.  

So much for that pipe dream.  In some ways, I find that trying to fit it into a neat package just does not work.  The overarching goals or intent is helpful as a guide, but cannot really answer the question of what the particular point is or how to deal in the day to day.   I worry constantly that I am not providing enough consistency, accountability or consequence in the days or weeks that get clogged up with work or other life demands, and then feel as if I am constantly trying to reinvent what we do to make it have a point and fit within a construct of what this should be.  It can be paralyzing and lead to a whole bunch of WTF are we doing,

I struggle most with figuring out what I really want and not constantly being on top of this--which is maybe something that happens after time, but in its infancy, a FLR needs more parameters around it. We tend to get into a good rhythm, with my husband taking over the household running aspects, somewhat regular discipline and accountability and me leading rather than asking. But that decently well run machine has flaws and I do not always say what I want or set the clearest of expectations.  It is my own fault and a plan I need to recommit to in order to keep him feeling safe in his submission.

I really do need to address the day to day and not just kind of rely on the general construct to get us through.  Given this is my particular rolling of the rock up and down a hill, I am interested to hear from you (male, female, dominant or submissive) as to how the day to day works for you.  To that end, also happy to entertain other topics for discussion, as much of my delay tends to be lack of ideas and the time to come up with them.  Come on team FLR, let's share and figure this out together.

Finding Your Fundamental Guideposts In A FLR

Today's topic focuses on identifying the particular goals or benefits one can get from a FLR, and that ultimately that is a question only you can answer.  As we continue down this path, the more I realize how critically important it is to identify what you particularly are looking for to build your own roadmap. While probably all FLRs have elements of similarity, they are by no means alike. When we initially started this, I got bogged down in trying to figure out the "right" way to do this. While other bloggers or some books had helpful insight, ultimately I had to decide for myself and our relationship exactly what it was that I was looking to accomplish.   

It is really so personal of a journey that each party needs to identify what the unique goals and expectations will be and how that betters your marriage. Saying the words alone, while a helpful exercise in acknowledging the power shift, will never be enough. 

I have seen several different types of motivations for people pursuing a FLR or some similar construction. Some men simply want to be controlled either because of sexual or personal beliefs that make this the right or most fulfilling choice. Others want to exhibit better traits and may be unable to do so unless the choice is taken away. I think some men find freedom in a lack of decision and some need expectations to be clear. Some women (or men)  may just believe in inherent superiority while others just want to be in control of their lives. Many relationships, I suspect, have elements of all of these things.  What differentiates each one is the manner in which your personal goals and desires shape the way it is executed. 

For me, I wanted a mechanism to take control of my life and acknowledge the power shift that had started already. I don't believe all women are better suited to this lifestyle or that all relationships should be this way, but mine in particular and with my husband just made sense. I think my husband wanted clarity in expectations. Knowing what was expected of him and taking some of the burden of decision making off of him. He believed in my ability to lead and did not want to fight implicit or explicit power struggles. He wants to know what I want or need and those are the parameters of how he lives. That is much simpler than guessing about whether I really want something a specific way or if I'm going to change my mind or constantly move the target on him. It requires far more forethought about things on my part, but ultimately allows me to really identify what is important and how I want our life to be, as well as to expect it will be done in that manner. 

There is also an element for both of us in trying to be better versions of ourselves through this. Him in behavioral changes, but more importantly, in being a better father and husband by being accountable for his actions and for me, in really identifying what I actually want and taking responsibility for my choices. I could change my mind all of the time, but that defeats my particular view of the purpose of this. I want him to trust me and follow me. So I owe him consistency and overall strategic planning that will guide our family in all ways and not just to accomplish a specific goal at one data point in time. This doesn't mean I don't change my mind or at times realize I wanted something different, I'm just (usually) less arbitrary about it. 

In building your own FLR, communication about these ultimate goals and what you want from it is key. If it's to simply have no choice or say ever, that is different than one in which an opinion is considered but ultimate choice resides with the leader. Similarly, if there are specific life goals you want (i.e. stop drinking, better behavior)  or even more general overtones about wanting more or less control or firm expectations, the relationship and power dynamic has to match that. It is why there really is no one size fits all or a per se right way to do this. 

I also believe creating immovable structures can miss key developments or important changes as your relationship develops.  While consistency and clear expectations are important, the path may change over time.  Maybe initially DD is not for you but then you see a circumstance in which it could better the behavioral modification.  If you just start from one place and never accept the possibility of change or adaptation,  you miss the opportunity to develop other aspects to make this a holistic lifestyle choice. People also are not stagnant so what works even for years may not as your life changes.  Being flexible in how your relationship needs to be is important to this working and being fulfilling long term. 

This also is not right for everyone. It's not just about the concept generally but you as individual humans that are particularly suited for this. I could not necessarily do this with anyone but my husband. Just as I think the same is true for him. He is submissive to me. Not generally or to every woman. 

So this is a constantly evolving process. One in which you should start from general goals or expectations unique to you but also learn and change as it develops. It's a journey, without a doubt. And as they say, enjoy that journey not just the destination. 

To Cage Or Not To Cage?

It seems that every time I post it begins with a lament of my lack of recent posting. My hope is that followers loyal to this blog will keep reading even when I am slacking on posting. But life is busy and I am human.  I also encourage commenters to suggest topics to discuss, as sometimes I am just literally at a loss for words.

Tonight's entry sprung from a real world situation with a good friend, who knows little about this type of life we lead or that I am anything but relatively vanilla.  She, rather unfortunately, experienced a serious betrayal by her man.  And by serious, I mean serious.  They are not in a FLR, though she makes most decisions and is the clear breadwinner.  It seems they have just not taken the crucial step of verbally acknowledging who is in charge.  This is somewhat irrelevant but just confirms my theory that most relationships have a dominant that is unrecognized between the parties but the relationship would likely benefit greatly if that simple step was taken.  Slightly as an aside, but critical to my overarching message, just admit who is in charge. Things are much simpler that way.

In their story, she is hurt deeply by what he has done and he has vowed to do anything to repair it. She struggles with being able to find a way to trust him and not constantly have to monitor him. When she asked what I thought about that, I (admittedly out of nowhere) suggested she propose a cage.  Readers of this blog know I have yet to tackle this subject or to really express an opinion on this subject.   As with most things in my blog, if that is what you do, then do it and good on you.  But for me, I have never really decided whether I think it would work and struggle with the bigger picture benefit we would get from it.

For her, there are clear sexual indiscretions that need to be addressed.  In that circumstance, a cage seems absolutely the course to go to fix it.  It serves the purpose of keeping a literal lock on his junk and making sure he is not using it outside the home. It also gives her a way to feel secure and know she can trust him without endlessly agonizing over where he is or what he is doing. I get that completely.  In my situation, I often wonder as to its usefulness.  My husband is loyal to me sexually and otherwise, and he has given up his sexual freedom (personally or with others) by our marriage and particular brand of what we do.

Yet, many men who are not sexually disloyal or would willing give up personal satisfaction if his Mistress required still have a cage.  So it raises the question of what that particular act does to strengthen this type of relationship. If my husband agrees to be my submissive in all ways, and I tell him not to masturbate, what separate benefit exists? Perhaps it is feeling owned all the time.  But my husband also has a collar that he cannot take off.  That acts as his reminder that he belongs solely to me and must remember the tenets we made.  Is a cage necessary? Am I missing something about its benefits?

Admittedly, I am curious about this other aspect of the world we occupy.  Men who are caged seem to be freed by it and/or revel in the level of submission it shows.  Why? What does it satisfy for you to be caged? I imagine for most who are already in a committed relationship, that sexual loyalty has little or nothing to do with it.  So I wonder what benefits it has for a relationship of this type? I write these statements realizing the written word has no inflection so I want to clarify that I am not being judgmental or disrespectful but genuinely curious as to the benefits it has to the wearer and the relationship.

This is not a post in which I plan to conclude anything. Perhaps it is a part I of II, but this is a question in my mind and I would like answers from people living this particular version of this thing we do and why.  Comments most welcome.