The Hydra That Is Living A FLR

Thanks to everyone who still reads even when my postings are sporadic, at best.  Life just has a way of interfering in consistency in any activity.  That holds especially true for our FLR as well.  And while I find that certain aspects work without much effort, certain things need constant attention and refocusing.

Perhaps the most complicated part of being in an FLR is consistency.  Either in the form of balance or just literal consistency in setting a plan of action and following up on it, I find that is the single hardest thing to maintain.  It is a topic I have blogged about before, but each time it comes up, it is different and seems to have sprouted a new head like the ancient Hydra.

We have been going through a period of change and my husband has been struggling with some life changes that make me nervous about imposing a stricter FLR.  I worry constantly that if he is upset or focused on something else, that my pushing him and demanding submission could somehow throw off the balance of his emotions and crush him.  I do not actually think that would happen, but it is probably the thing that does (or should) worry every female leader.  In a weird twist of fate, I think more order and clarity is probably exactly what he both needs and wants.

This is compounded by the fact there are very few resources for a female HoH.  While I am thankful for the various blogs that do exist and stay in the realm of reality rather than leather clad fantasy or pure role playing,  this just is not as well established as the male HoH community.  In a lot of ways, I cannot even read those types of blogs-- the religious DD blogs freak me out because I do not believe in an inherent superiority or ordained right to exercise my will over my husband.  Rather, this is a product of our mutual agreement about how our life works better if I am just in charge.

But we are real people.  We both have jobs, kids, family and responsibilities that all need to be ordered. And in taking on this role, that is just what I agreed to do.  To take responsibility for the decisions, to own the choices I make, to set clear expectations and to follow through in making sure they are met.  I am pretty comfortable with making choices and owning the decisions.  Several commenters have made the excellent point that strong leadership is about making the decision, even if wrong, and owning it.  Being paralyzed by a decision makes for an ineffectual leader and one who does not inspire confidence.

What I struggle much more with as time goes on is remembering the impact I have on him. This takes the form of me forgetting that my words impact him more than they used to. Rather than my old marriage where I could flounce out of a room or tell him to shut up and it would just prolong the fight, if I do that now, my husband feels it.  He either quite literally stops talking or feels the sting of me walking away in a way much different way than someone who has not embraced being submissive.  This is one thing I think all female leaders have to be aware of- men are sensitive too and when they agree to this, we owe them the respect to be a real leader all the time.  We owe them that we will not just throw out barbs in the same way we might if the scales were more balanced. This is something I have to work on and be constantly in the mindset of being in control.  Not letting it go just because I am angry or don't want to deal with it right then.  This is the choice I made too, and I owe him that I understand the constant nature of this role.

What I think makes this even more complicated is the layer of being able to say, I am in charge- right or wrong. Just fucking deal with it.  I have said that sometimes, and while it is technically true, it is probably not that helpful for growing our bond and connection.  It is important to say that sometimes I think, to just put an absolute reminder that the female is in charge, but it can easily turn into a default that takes the responsibility away for really thinking through a decision or impact.  I am working on that right now to make sure that it does not just become the baseline where I no longer take specific stock of what the fuck is going on and the best way to address it.

The other issue I struggle with--and I would guess most couples in this do as well--is the accountability/consistency component.  If you are going to lead your husband, you need to be clear.  The whole point of this is to acknowledge the shift in authority, not just do it through passive ways like in a more egalitarian relationship.  So saying what you want and meaning it, as well as following through, squarely fall on the shoulders of the female leader.  That means if I want the table fixed by a specific date, I have told him.  If he does not, there is a consequence.  This is the ideal way of handling things, and that it is the same for every task, every day.

I will be honest that I slack in this area probably most of all. I say I want specific things done, but I do not always follow up on them because either we have other things going on or I do not feel like I care that much at the moment.  While, again, this is technically fine because I am in charge so I can discard or change something at will, it makes for some unfair and confusing expectations.  Right now I have recommitted to setting real expectations and following up on them.  I have to. It is just not fair to keep going this way because he may think I do not care about something (because I haven't for weeks) and then I am pissed when it does not get done.  That flies in the face of the exact thing this relationship is supposed to accomplish--clear expectations and a system of accountability.

As a leader, one of the most important jobs is to realistically assess what is needed and what is important.  We have to set clear boundaries and enforce them consistently, and be in touch enough with our own plan/requirements to know what is important and what can be let go.  But, this too, has to be communicated from the start.  If I don't really care that much about something getting done, but then get angry later that it has not been accomplished, that is more on me than him.  While the "I'm in charge" card can be played to change some things, it really is not fair to use it without real connection to its impact on the relationship.  If that is the only way it gets used, then this is really just a loose set of constructs that may or may not be enforced.  It is not how I want to run my house because he deserves to know what I want, when I want it and how I want it with some consistency.  He also needs, as I think most submissive men do, the assurance of knowing there is a consequence if it is not done.  That is what makes this type of relationship beautifully simple--he does not have to think about why, whether it makes sense or how to do it.  He knows what is expected, to do it and what will happen if he does not.  

I would love to hear from all of you about your feelings on this topic, what works for you (or you need from your FLR), what types of consequences work best, etc.  This community is strengthened by shared experience and collective wisdom.