One Size Fits All Does Not Exist

It seems I start nearly every post with some form of a lament about how long it has been....but such is life, and we all do the best we can. So I hope you will stick with reading this even though my posting can be more sporadic than most.  

Today I thought we would discuss the concept of what is "right," and why trying to find that in a FLR (or otherwise) is useless.  I hate this phrase in any application.  Even in a non-FLR context, the concept of what is right or correct is so uniquely personal that trying to fit into some mold or societal construction will only cause you pain and make you question your own path.  Look at how society has changed in the past few decades--what was right even a few years ago could now seem outdated and archaic. Trying to do a one size fits all is destructive and misses the nuances of what this type of relationship should be. 

When I first started this journey, I was desperate for answers and some sort of playbook of what I should do.  While I certainly am thankful for guidance or perspective in finding this path, trying to fit my own relationship into what others do just does not make sense. For example, I do not cage my husband nor do I necessarily think I would.  There are some purists who would see this as a failing on my part as a leader or not recognizing he should or needs to be caged.  While that is perfectly fine for someone who chooses that, it is not my choice to do so.  But that does not mean I am weak or he is less of a submissive. In fact, it means I am strong enough to make my own decisions about what I want my FLR to look like.  Which is quite literally what a female leader should do.   

Similarly, my husband once read several articles taking the position that cuckholding was necessary to truly accepting submission.  He worried for some time that me not having any interest in that meant he could not truly be submissive.  I, however, vehemently disagree.  I value specific things in his submission, but being ok with me being with another man is just not one of them.  In fact, I have no interest nor do I think that would enhance my particular brand of dominance.  So it is a hard limit for me. I do not say this to judge anyone who believes that or thinks it works (because I do not- live your lives, do what makes you happy), but it is important to note that what works for some does not mean it has to work for you. And not doing something someone else thinks is important does not mean what you choose is any less right for you.

Particularly when first starting out, the tendency is to worry you are not doing what is right or that you are not somehow immediately understanding every possible permutation of this complicated life. It is pretty unfair to expect someone new to this could ever figure it all out immediately, and in fact, it is likely always an evolution so nothing will ever be unequivocally "right." I guess my point is that if you are starting out, or even if you have been practicing for some time, do not try to have all the answers. Do not try to fit your FLR to some "norm," as no norm exists.  

Each relationship is different. Some people use DD as punishment and some do not; some have chore lists and some just expect it to be done; some require use of a title like Mistress while others do not need that or like it; some believe the female driving shows leadership whereas others see him driving as a form of submission; some control money or privacy much more than others, and the list of differences could keep an FLR encyclopedia salesmen busy like it was the 80s.  

Here, what is important to remember is that what is right is specific to each relationship.  It is something you, as a leader, have to figure out--what works for you and what is important to you? How do you want to discipline or assign chores or run your house? And similarly, what works for your submissive husband? What is the way he feels most submissive, what does he react best to, etc. I do not mean to suggest you cannot learn things from others; rather, I believe the opposite is true.  I enjoy learning from others or hearing what other people do, but trying to measure myself against what some other leader does gets me nowhere.  We should rely on each other for guidance and perspective but not that one true path exists. 

In earlier posts I talked about just deciding to lead for a specific period of time and kind of running with it.  I think this is the best way to start. Decide to lead and lead-- in a way that works best for your family, not some archetypal female led relationship. And while so many in this community have excellent insights into what works for them, or what has been difficult, ultimately your journey is your own.  

I encourage all of us to communicate and discuss different trial/tribulations/things that work because there are so many fascinating perspectives that can help you to be better/stronger/more submissive (whichever perspective).  But, I recommend not getting caught up or discouraged when what you do or works for you may not be what works for everyone else.  One size fits all works for panty hose (usually), not a serious adult relationship involving very personal needs and desires. So figure out what you want/need and forge your own path. Don't get bogged down in following what is "right."

Operation Boss Lady

I committed in my last post to try making simple choices and following through.  I started with one decision at a time, made the best decision in the moment and did not back down from it.  It has been about 10 days and I think "Operation Boss Lady" is going relatively well.

As readers of this blog know, I often struggle with balance or worrying about my husband feeling something is unfair or that it could be "too much."  The vast majority of contributors all suggest just taking control, owning it and acknowledging that while resistance or "unfairness" may happen, it is kind of what we each signed up for in deciding to walk this path.  In fact, my husband does not want an equal relationship. He wants me to lead. So in spending countless time and energy trying to make it seem or feel equal or worrying too much about the impact something will have, I am really just spinning my wheels and depriving us both of what we actually need/want. It was this realization that got me back on the path of leading.

While I feared increased control or strictness could breed resentment, it has the opposite effect.  He needs the structure and the clarity. He needs the consistency and knowing what is expected. I also think, although probably less so in the moment, that he craves the accountability as well.  Being in this type of relationship really requires some shifts in conventional thinking and finding ways to make sense of concepts that perhaps seem counter intuitive.  It is the difference between viewing follow up as being a nag or as holding him accountable.

It also is not just better for him. It is better for me.  It is easier for me to know that when I make a decision, it will be followed because I am not leaving room for resistance. It is also easier because I have control over my own life and can be responsible for the choices I make, which also means I have no one to blame but myself if it turns out not to be the best choice.  It is just simpler and easier.

So I say to all of the hesitant women out there, just own it. Even if just for a few days or a few weeks, commit to making the decisions, leading and holding him accountable so you both get some traction. My guess is that it will reap positive rewards because he will react well to the structure and consistency, which then provides confidence that can be hard to come by when first starting out on this.  When you can see the positive changes in behavior and the lack of resistance you feared, each choice or action becomes just a little easier the next time.  Sometimes you really have to fake it until you make it.

It is also nice to know that you are not alone.  As much as I have appreciated all of the comments, the ones that have meant the most to me are those that recognize this is neither easy nor perfect.  Yes, it is ideal to be in a relationship where it all just works in perfect harmony and each embraces the role chosen with flawless perfection.  I am happy for each of you that claims to have that type of completely linear path.  That rainbow covered cave full of unicorns just does not exist for me and putting that unattainable requirement of at or near perfect all the time just exhausts me.

We each do the best we can, and some days it is better than others.  But just knowing that you can stumble or be uncertain about your footing and still come back or make a different choice the next day to get back on the path is heartening.  So even if there is a day your leadership was not as strong or your submission was colored by emotional reactions or otherwise not what would be ideal for you or your Mistress, try again. Make a simple choice- be it to lead or to follow and keep repeating.

The Complexity of Simplicity

I find, yet again, that it has been a significant period of time between posts.  It is partially my schedule and also being at times without certainty as to what to write.  Not being an expert in any of this or even doing it for that long, I sometimes worry my contribution is just a rehashing of the same thing or what someone else can more eloquently say.  But, this is also a community and contributing as well as reading the responses bring better understanding and exploration of this topic, so I am jumping back in.  More specifically, I am taking a simple step to address what sometimes feels overwhelming or without clear direction.  That, in fact, is the topic of the morning.  

In certain ways, a FLR is unequivocally simple.  The wife leads. The husband follows.  As I have previously blogged and seems to be a common theme for others too, is this mythical concept of balance that blurs that clean line.  Finding the place where the authority you assume is seamlessly executed, decisions made without question and conviction, and peace in the paths each has chosen. Sometimes it is like that.  

We recently had some periods of it just working effortlessly.  I had no second thoughts about my choices, he agreed without hesitation and I did not get bogged down in worrying about whether it was right, enough, too much or if this is really what he wants.  I just chose the path and went forward, expecting he follow, which he did.  When it is working like that, it is both simple and amazing.  I felt in charge of my own life, able to delegate tasks based on our relative strengths and secure in knowing he will listen and obey.  I believe it gives my husband freedom from decision fatigue, knowing he does not need to make the choices or face some arm chair quarterback about making the wrong choice, as well as clarity in expectations.  I also sense there is freedom in an absence of choice to some extent- he has no other choice so there is no real reason to fear or worry or consider the other options.     

But as life intervenes and the issues become more emotionally charged, or we get busy personally or professionally, it gets more difficult.  I perhaps do not act as consistently because I know he is busy so I give him a pass on things I had asked to be done, or I waver more in my decisions about certain issues because I fear the emotional charge associated with them.  While perfectly natural because neither of us are FLR bots, but actual human beings who are just trying to find a way to make sense of this all, it is a slippery slope.  I find myself feeling less in control, fretting more and being resentful about certain reactions not being what I expect.  The fault, however, lies with me. I have not been as clear about what I want, exercising the authority he has entrusted to me in a confident manner or even expressing my positions clearly.  I also get unsettled with particular emotional situations because I know he may disagree or feel some part is "unfair," and then I either cannot articulate what I expect, he lashes back with less emotional control because I have not been consistent in demanding it, and we end up unnecessarily fighting.   I have been struggling in trying to figure out how to get it back on track and find myself just spinning endlessly.  

Yesterday, however, I realized how to get back on track- make a simple decision. Stick to it and don't overagonize. Repeat. It also requires simple communication about what is expected, and consistency to follow up on it. This is an oversimplification to some extent, but the premise is essentially to cut out the crap of pretend equality (or trying to make sure each decision feels entirely fair, etc) or emotional quagmire that didn't work before and go back to basics. I do not mean to suggest his opinion is not important or that a decision should not be fair, but just that part of leading is owning the best choice at the time and not being paralyzed with indecision.  I lead. He follows.  I need to trust myself that I do not make rash or unfair choices (generally) and that he has asked for, and chosen, to follow.  That choice needs to be respected too.  And he has to follow. He may not always like my decision or bristle at a request, but that is what this is.  He cannot pick and choose when he wants to submit just like I can't pick and choose when I lead.  

So I am going to set out my expectations of the different things that I want/think are best, enforce them and lead us in a way that respects what we have chosen.  In this life, making a decision and executing it is probably the most critical piece.  So I will start with that simple step and see if it works through some of the complexity. 

Leading Is Not Simple

Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted.  Life has just been busy and I have been somewhat uninspired on topics.  Because I am newer at this, I do not really have lifetime experience to draw on but really only know or can discuss what is immediately at issue for me.  But, I also remember really looking for guidance and trying so desperately to find words that made sense when we started this journey, that I will do what I can to be at least one voice like that for people searching for how to start or navigate this path.

I read Kathy's blog today, as well as the comment by Sandra, and thought I would chime in with more of the same.  In certain ways, this lifestyle should really be very easy.  The woman leads, the man follows and that is it.  In reality, it is far more complex and requires a real understanding of both yourself as a leader and your husband as a submissive.  In this society (though much less so in my generation), men have to be archetypically strong and any form of submission or lack of domination is somehow weakness.  And women who embrace being a leader are often bitchy or aggressive.  I think this is changing, but it still exists.

These societal underpinnings require a re-examination of how you see yourself and your partner if you choose this path.  Many who do choose this, I suspect, have already disregarded the archaic stereotypes, but if you are still wavering and wondering if you can be strong but submissive or a leader and still a lady, I for one say yes you can.   As I have blogged about before, I think men who serve in any capacity have more strength than someone who just assumes because he has a Y chromosome that somehow makes him a leader.  When you think about a knight or a man in the military, you do not think about a weak man. You see a strong and powerful man whose job it is to protect and serve.  If we can shift the construct from weak to submissive, it is easier to conceptualize why certain men could want this type of life.  Similar with the ladies who do this. We are not necessarily domineering, controlling or aggressive.  We simply recognize the men we love need to be led and that we can, in fact, lead. It is not even that different than the 50s housewife who ran the house entirely.  We just do it over everything and do not pretend it is any other way.  There is simplicity in open acknowledgment of each person's particular strengths.

With submission, it truly is a gift that has to be appreciated and nurtured.  In my life, it is not enough to just decree I lead and that is it.  Of course this creates a nuanced path that really takes work to get right.  As female leaders, it is our responsibility to nurture that gift. To demand submission or obedience as appropriate, but to also balance the rigors and realities of daily life.  It does require some training, whether in the form of specific tasks that are assigned and followed up on or in setting expectations of how to handle certain infractions, fights or daily life.  It can be daunting, without question.

I often get mired down in that and sometimes worry that we will stagnate because I forget it is constantly evolving and needs my investment.  I watch a reality TV show (do not judge me) called Arranged. And one of the couples is very young in the Gypsy life and he has been taught to believe he is now in control at the age of 18 simply because he is a man.  I am not passing any form of judgment on this way of life or mindset (though I CLEARLY do not believe that for me or my daughters), but I watched him tell his wife she just had to listen to him and it seemed so childish.  Not just because he is, in fact, a child, but at the idea that just saying the words is enough.  And for perpetuating the notion that leadership is just conferred, and there is no independent work to earn respect or to actually be a leader.

I agree that words are of critical importance in how domination or control is exercised and felt, and many specifically state that they need to hear/use words of power like Mistress, be reminded of who is in charge verbally as well, and most simply, be told something not asked.  But words alone will never be enough.  If someone is going to embark on this and try to elevate a relationship to play to each others strengths and best attributes, or otherwise create a more harmonious marriage, it takes action.  By both parties, but certainly in consistently leading, recognizing the control you have and developing the submission that has been given to you.

If you are going to do this, you have to do it every day.  That doesn't mean there cant be exceptions or you make the choice to not enforce something because of an extenuating circumstance, but the idea of this being only sometimes will never work.  It also really does have to be in each communication or action.  It does not always have to be a list of chores or an act of physical submission, but telling not asking, following up as necessary, and some reaffirmation of dominance has to become ingrained in most, if not all, daily life.

Now, the above is just my opinion.  It is what I tell myself to process this and get through each day. You also have to let go of what other people think you should do. I get caught in the but what if I am not doing it right conundrum all the damn time.  I need to stop.  A male blogger gave me a piece of critical advice that is important to share- in being a female leader, what is right is defined by you. It is not anyone else or any book or theoretical.  It is your path, your choice, your decision.  You just have to own it.

So those are my thoughts for today.  That this takes much more work than just giving orders, but also speaks deeply to emotional and physical needs of both parties and really should be defined by your particular relationship rather than any ideal construct.  I will do what I can to be more consistent in this blog.  If there are topic ideas, please let me know!

What Is In A Word? The Art Of Domination and Control

I'm going to borrow a theme from I'm Hers because it is one that is pretty foundational for a FLR. At the same time it is also incredibly amorphous and trying to navigate the practicalities of being both dominant and in control. In reading some of the comments, control seems to be seen as the demand for something or giving orders but something like checking up on the work is dominance. I'm not sure I agree. They both seem so enmeshed together that I don't know that one can be separated from another. 

If I think about what I do on a daily basis I'm not sure I can distinguish between which act or conduct is control and which is dominance. This presents the exact problem I have blogged about before in understanding what a submissive needs when he says I want more control, more ownership, etc. 

It obviously will depend on each person and the particular dynamic but it is a struggle from the dominant perspective. How do you both control and provide sufficient dominance? What does that even mean? 

To me, dominance is the overall control I exert. It's not just about set chore lists or expectations of behavior, but about the idea that I have set that up and expect him to obey. I expect he will defer to me and act in accordance with the terms of our agreement. But I do not typically inspect or follow up. I suppose that is something I probably should do sometimes to make sure everything is getting done. But that also seems counter intuitive. If I am really in control and dominant, there should be no question about my requirements being met. I know we are all human and people forget things, but having to check up or micromanage is exactly what I don't want from this and expect him to obviate the need to do. 

I also verbally reaffirm control/dominance by using direct statements, not equivocating for the most part and identifying which type of answer I am looking for (ie, none, his opinion counts but I am leaning one way, or its 51/49).  I sometimes wonder whether there are things I could say or do that would clarify the authority even further but I haven't found a rhythm on anything else yet. Not asking as a question and directing what I expect seems to be the best balance. I suspect he feels my dominance most when I do this in public. Mostly because if people paid attention they would hear it was not a request but a demand.  And one in which he willingly performs.  

For some people, these things may be enough to feel both dominance and control. I wonder, though, whether the reason I do not see as much of a distinction between the two is the physical aspect of dominance in our relationship. Even if I don't check his work or call him on everything, he knows I can and would punish or discipline him for it. I know not everyone does the same thing, but the aspect of discipline builds in literal dominance in a way I'm not sure words alone could. 

We also use a daily ritual of discipline spankings to keep that dominance and authority at the forefront. He also knows the possibility exists for much different punishment, which rarely rarely ever happens. The consistency of discipline on a daily basis seems to prevent the need for a punishment.  The act itself of him submitting daily and me exerting physical control over his body confirms me as the dominant in a way words or direction just can't. I know that is not everyone's experience or path, but it seems to work for us. Because he knows unequivocally every time he sits down who owns him, whether or not I have used any words to remind or confirm that. 

This alone certainly is not enough. The distinction between a FLR and DD requires more. More assumption of decision making beyond behavior changes and an acknowledgment of overall control by the dominant. But it is a critical piece that I believe makes my particular brand of leadership both dominant and in control without question. 

How do others feel? Does dominance require more than control? What are the acts, words or rituals that make you feel most submissive? Or the way you feel most dominant if you lead? 

Realities of Life, State Lines and Keeping Up The FLR

Today I wanted to draw on some of the topics we previously discussed--keeping this up when life, children or the unexpected intervenes--and explore how this works when you are not physically in the same place.  We have previously discussed that it is sometimes difficult to keep this up when life is just life.  Either figuring out how to introduce the chain of command to your children, and making sure their father remains respected, but not undermining the overall female authority, or navigating through the times when it is unclear as to whether more or less authority is needed based on the surrounding noise and complications.  There is no clear cut answer to any of these issues, and I suspect each relationship tackles them differently.

Some of the best pieces of advice or commentary on this blog have suggested (1) making a decision is the best policy; (2) treating this like a chain of command either in a military or workplace analogy; (3) keeping love and respect at the forefront; and (4) maintaining both dominance and control as much as possible to avoid inconsistency are core tenets of making this work.   Of course these are somewhat amorphous in actual application, but they generally are good things to keep in mind.  One area that is harder to fit in these particular principles is that of travel and physical distance.

As readers may know, my husband and I travel with some frequency.  This creates challenges in that we are not always physically together and often spend longer blocks many state lines apart; raising the added complication of differing time zones.  For me, the distance makes it harder to feel in control or making sure he feels my authority, as my oversight is more limited.  We keep up on the decision making deferred to me and other key elements of this, but it is done via email or phone.  We also have some rituals like texting in the morning where we affirm our commitment to this arrangement and will FaceTime to be able to see each other live, but there is just something different when not face to face.  When I travel, he packs and unpacks me so I can see that he put thought into where I am and what I am doing.  I do not do this for him, but it is a nice connection for me.

No matter the effort, there is always a few days of readjusting and reacclimating to this style of living.  I do not place many controls on his time when he is with me or not with me--i.e., I do not regulate what he reads or does or who he speaks to really.  I do like to be informed and he must ask permission before anything impacts our time or in messaging to certain people, but otherwise he has the ability to carry on his life as necessary; particularly when I am not there.  This is our particular dynamic, and I know others may have more or less degrees of control.  Perhaps more control of activity when away would help, but that seems out of place with our typical dynamic.  So in my typical rock rolling fashion, I wonder with frequency how to manage this not only with the realities of life, but also that of distance.

Now that I have told you what we do, I am curious as to any of you who travel or your partner travels, and how you deal with this distance? Do you have special rituals either while away or on return home? Do you exert more control (or wish more was exerted) when not physically in the same place? As submissives, do you enjoy the ostensible greater freedom or would you prefer more limits in place? And what would those be? What is it that you crave when physical presence is impossible?

Parenting and a FLR

As readers of this blog are aware, I am not a believer in turning this on and off based on audience. While that is easier around adults, who often are self-absorbed and only really see things that directly impact them, it is different when dealing with children.  The question becomes how you maintain your FLR without making your husband look weak either as a man or a father.  Now, I do not think that making the choice to be a submissive husband shows any weakness--in fact, quite the opposite. It shows a dedication to his partner and a recognition of her being better able to lead and make choices. That is not weakness, but rather just good sense when that, in fact, is your chosen dynamic or reality. But do the conventions that still permeate society cast shadow on the beauty of that choice? Will older children look to a female led relationship as one of a weak father and overbearing mother or just accept it as the norm for this family? Will younger children model the mother's behavior and expect service from their father in the same or similar way?

In some ways, no matter what the acknowledged dynamic is, women often are responsible for the home and a de facto leader (at least in that space), whether or not anyone openly recognizes it. How many times do fathers say, ask your mother? Whether this is simply disinterest in making a choice, avoidance of a decision that may get overturned or a genuine deference to the mother, it does not really matter because it is ultimately creating an expectation the mother/female will have the final say.  Most people would not see a statement such as this as some acknowledgment of female authority or otherwise think this deviated much from the norm.  So if it is ok in that instance, why would it transform into weakness just because there is an open acknowledgment of her authority? I do not think it has to, but I struggle with making sure he does not feel that way and does not become marginalized in some way by the fact we openly agree I am in charge.

I am also not a believer in ultimate female superiority.  Each relationship is unique and there are certain people who simply are better suited for a female led dynamic.  So my take on how we do this does not stem from a place of believing men are inferior or born to serve.  This creates some complication in allowing a submissive husband to serve and take direction, but without impacting or undercutting his masculinity.  For me, this manifests in my husband remaining an active partner and being responsible for essentially running our house.  I do expect him to serve me and defer to me generally, but not to wait on me hand and foot, if that makes sense.  Of course, this creates its own set of issues because it is not per se black and white.  And as we get more comfortable with this, it now raises questions as to its impact on our family dynamic.

Our daughters are younger and are watching this relationship take shape.  As children are little sponges, I am observing how they are adapting to this dynamic in almost hyper speed.  As we spent this weekend together, I watched each of them ask only him for certain things--juice, snacks, whatever.  They tended not to ask me to do anything for them, but not in a disrespectful way.  More that they simply expected their father to be the one to assist them.  Part of that is just what dads do and he has always been active in their care, but it seemed more that they were aware of the fact he is the one to go to for these types of things exclusively now, whereas I am the one to come to for permission or a decision on something.

As we talked about that shift later in the evening, my husband made the excellent point that he did not want to end up a short order cook.  Just being given orders by an army of little females and essentially becoming a servant to them just because he is submissive to me.  I imagine other people in this lifestyle struggle with the same thing.  And it is something that requires real thought and attention, as it does not make sense to hide it from your children if you are really committed to this, but it obviously raises questions of allowing them to be part of this when they do not necessarily have the cognitive understanding to process its complexities.

During this conversation, I reminded him that in terms of service, it is really only to me.  As part of that, I do expect he will care for our children and attend to their needs, but not in the same way. Specifically, I think it is appropriate when he asks if anyone needs anything before he sits down, but I do not expect him to get up multiple times because each of them decides halfway through dinner that she wants milk or juice or whatever she did not want five minutes before when he asked.  I also want them to remain self-sufficient, and while I get to enjoy the privilege of a drink always being brought to me, I do not think they have earned that yet.  His service to me is a trade off of what we do, whereas they do not contribute in that manner or take on the responsibilities I have so it should necessarily be different.  He can pour them a drink, but my expectation is that most of the time, they will walk over to get it.  It is this balance that I have to further articulate/explore so that we do not hide what we do or that I am in charge, but that he remains a respected man and father.  I do not believe these are mutually exclusive at all, but there is some work that needs to go into how this is presented and represented to children to avoid that.  And while it is easier to address these subtleties when dealing with getting up from dinner or who gets juice, it undoubtedly will be much harder as this continues and they grow into young women.

At the end of the day, it is important for him to be strong in everyone's eyes without shifting our power dynamic or introducing ambiguity either between us or within our family.  Because our children are younger, I sense that they will just acclimate easier and come to expect who makes the decision without second thought because it is really all they know.  But I want to do it in a way that does not undercut his role as a father or a man.  For people who are open about this (either in word or deed) in front of their children, please share how you do it and how it has impacted the family dynamic.