What Is In A Word? The Art Of Domination and Control

I'm going to borrow a theme from I'm Hers because it is one that is pretty foundational for a FLR. At the same time it is also incredibly amorphous and trying to navigate the practicalities of being both dominant and in control. In reading some of the comments, control seems to be seen as the demand for something or giving orders but something like checking up on the work is dominance. I'm not sure I agree. They both seem so enmeshed together that I don't know that one can be separated from another. 

If I think about what I do on a daily basis I'm not sure I can distinguish between which act or conduct is control and which is dominance. This presents the exact problem I have blogged about before in understanding what a submissive needs when he says I want more control, more ownership, etc. 

It obviously will depend on each person and the particular dynamic but it is a struggle from the dominant perspective. How do you both control and provide sufficient dominance? What does that even mean? 

To me, dominance is the overall control I exert. It's not just about set chore lists or expectations of behavior, but about the idea that I have set that up and expect him to obey. I expect he will defer to me and act in accordance with the terms of our agreement. But I do not typically inspect or follow up. I suppose that is something I probably should do sometimes to make sure everything is getting done. But that also seems counter intuitive. If I am really in control and dominant, there should be no question about my requirements being met. I know we are all human and people forget things, but having to check up or micromanage is exactly what I don't want from this and expect him to obviate the need to do. 

I also verbally reaffirm control/dominance by using direct statements, not equivocating for the most part and identifying which type of answer I am looking for (ie, none, his opinion counts but I am leaning one way, or its 51/49).  I sometimes wonder whether there are things I could say or do that would clarify the authority even further but I haven't found a rhythm on anything else yet. Not asking as a question and directing what I expect seems to be the best balance. I suspect he feels my dominance most when I do this in public. Mostly because if people paid attention they would hear it was not a request but a demand.  And one in which he willingly performs.  

For some people, these things may be enough to feel both dominance and control. I wonder, though, whether the reason I do not see as much of a distinction between the two is the physical aspect of dominance in our relationship. Even if I don't check his work or call him on everything, he knows I can and would punish or discipline him for it. I know not everyone does the same thing, but the aspect of discipline builds in literal dominance in a way I'm not sure words alone could. 

We also use a daily ritual of discipline spankings to keep that dominance and authority at the forefront. He also knows the possibility exists for much different punishment, which rarely rarely ever happens. The consistency of discipline on a daily basis seems to prevent the need for a punishment.  The act itself of him submitting daily and me exerting physical control over his body confirms me as the dominant in a way words or direction just can't. I know that is not everyone's experience or path, but it seems to work for us. Because he knows unequivocally every time he sits down who owns him, whether or not I have used any words to remind or confirm that. 

This alone certainly is not enough. The distinction between a FLR and DD requires more. More assumption of decision making beyond behavior changes and an acknowledgment of overall control by the dominant. But it is a critical piece that I believe makes my particular brand of leadership both dominant and in control without question. 

How do others feel? Does dominance require more than control? What are the acts, words or rituals that make you feel most submissive? Or the way you feel most dominant if you lead? 

Realities of Life, State Lines and Keeping Up The FLR

Today I wanted to draw on some of the topics we previously discussed--keeping this up when life, children or the unexpected intervenes--and explore how this works when you are not physically in the same place.  We have previously discussed that it is sometimes difficult to keep this up when life is just life.  Either figuring out how to introduce the chain of command to your children, and making sure their father remains respected, but not undermining the overall female authority, or navigating through the times when it is unclear as to whether more or less authority is needed based on the surrounding noise and complications.  There is no clear cut answer to any of these issues, and I suspect each relationship tackles them differently.

Some of the best pieces of advice or commentary on this blog have suggested (1) making a decision is the best policy; (2) treating this like a chain of command either in a military or workplace analogy; (3) keeping love and respect at the forefront; and (4) maintaining both dominance and control as much as possible to avoid inconsistency are core tenets of making this work.   Of course these are somewhat amorphous in actual application, but they generally are good things to keep in mind.  One area that is harder to fit in these particular principles is that of travel and physical distance.

As readers may know, my husband and I travel with some frequency.  This creates challenges in that we are not always physically together and often spend longer blocks many state lines apart; raising the added complication of differing time zones.  For me, the distance makes it harder to feel in control or making sure he feels my authority, as my oversight is more limited.  We keep up on the decision making deferred to me and other key elements of this, but it is done via email or phone.  We also have some rituals like texting in the morning where we affirm our commitment to this arrangement and will FaceTime to be able to see each other live, but there is just something different when not face to face.  When I travel, he packs and unpacks me so I can see that he put thought into where I am and what I am doing.  I do not do this for him, but it is a nice connection for me.

No matter the effort, there is always a few days of readjusting and reacclimating to this style of living.  I do not place many controls on his time when he is with me or not with me--i.e., I do not regulate what he reads or does or who he speaks to really.  I do like to be informed and he must ask permission before anything impacts our time or in messaging to certain people, but otherwise he has the ability to carry on his life as necessary; particularly when I am not there.  This is our particular dynamic, and I know others may have more or less degrees of control.  Perhaps more control of activity when away would help, but that seems out of place with our typical dynamic.  So in my typical rock rolling fashion, I wonder with frequency how to manage this not only with the realities of life, but also that of distance.

Now that I have told you what we do, I am curious as to any of you who travel or your partner travels, and how you deal with this distance? Do you have special rituals either while away or on return home? Do you exert more control (or wish more was exerted) when not physically in the same place? As submissives, do you enjoy the ostensible greater freedom or would you prefer more limits in place? And what would those be? What is it that you crave when physical presence is impossible?

Parenting and a FLR

As readers of this blog are aware, I am not a believer in turning this on and off based on audience. While that is easier around adults, who often are self-absorbed and only really see things that directly impact them, it is different when dealing with children.  The question becomes how you maintain your FLR without making your husband look weak either as a man or a father.  Now, I do not think that making the choice to be a submissive husband shows any weakness--in fact, quite the opposite. It shows a dedication to his partner and a recognition of her being better able to lead and make choices. That is not weakness, but rather just good sense when that, in fact, is your chosen dynamic or reality. But do the conventions that still permeate society cast shadow on the beauty of that choice? Will older children look to a female led relationship as one of a weak father and overbearing mother or just accept it as the norm for this family? Will younger children model the mother's behavior and expect service from their father in the same or similar way?

In some ways, no matter what the acknowledged dynamic is, women often are responsible for the home and a de facto leader (at least in that space), whether or not anyone openly recognizes it. How many times do fathers say, ask your mother? Whether this is simply disinterest in making a choice, avoidance of a decision that may get overturned or a genuine deference to the mother, it does not really matter because it is ultimately creating an expectation the mother/female will have the final say.  Most people would not see a statement such as this as some acknowledgment of female authority or otherwise think this deviated much from the norm.  So if it is ok in that instance, why would it transform into weakness just because there is an open acknowledgment of her authority? I do not think it has to, but I struggle with making sure he does not feel that way and does not become marginalized in some way by the fact we openly agree I am in charge.

I am also not a believer in ultimate female superiority.  Each relationship is unique and there are certain people who simply are better suited for a female led dynamic.  So my take on how we do this does not stem from a place of believing men are inferior or born to serve.  This creates some complication in allowing a submissive husband to serve and take direction, but without impacting or undercutting his masculinity.  For me, this manifests in my husband remaining an active partner and being responsible for essentially running our house.  I do expect him to serve me and defer to me generally, but not to wait on me hand and foot, if that makes sense.  Of course, this creates its own set of issues because it is not per se black and white.  And as we get more comfortable with this, it now raises questions as to its impact on our family dynamic.

Our daughters are younger and are watching this relationship take shape.  As children are little sponges, I am observing how they are adapting to this dynamic in almost hyper speed.  As we spent this weekend together, I watched each of them ask only him for certain things--juice, snacks, whatever.  They tended not to ask me to do anything for them, but not in a disrespectful way.  More that they simply expected their father to be the one to assist them.  Part of that is just what dads do and he has always been active in their care, but it seemed more that they were aware of the fact he is the one to go to for these types of things exclusively now, whereas I am the one to come to for permission or a decision on something.

As we talked about that shift later in the evening, my husband made the excellent point that he did not want to end up a short order cook.  Just being given orders by an army of little females and essentially becoming a servant to them just because he is submissive to me.  I imagine other people in this lifestyle struggle with the same thing.  And it is something that requires real thought and attention, as it does not make sense to hide it from your children if you are really committed to this, but it obviously raises questions of allowing them to be part of this when they do not necessarily have the cognitive understanding to process its complexities.

During this conversation, I reminded him that in terms of service, it is really only to me.  As part of that, I do expect he will care for our children and attend to their needs, but not in the same way. Specifically, I think it is appropriate when he asks if anyone needs anything before he sits down, but I do not expect him to get up multiple times because each of them decides halfway through dinner that she wants milk or juice or whatever she did not want five minutes before when he asked.  I also want them to remain self-sufficient, and while I get to enjoy the privilege of a drink always being brought to me, I do not think they have earned that yet.  His service to me is a trade off of what we do, whereas they do not contribute in that manner or take on the responsibilities I have so it should necessarily be different.  He can pour them a drink, but my expectation is that most of the time, they will walk over to get it.  It is this balance that I have to further articulate/explore so that we do not hide what we do or that I am in charge, but that he remains a respected man and father.  I do not believe these are mutually exclusive at all, but there is some work that needs to go into how this is presented and represented to children to avoid that.  And while it is easier to address these subtleties when dealing with getting up from dinner or who gets juice, it undoubtedly will be much harder as this continues and they grow into young women.

At the end of the day, it is important for him to be strong in everyone's eyes without shifting our power dynamic or introducing ambiguity either between us or within our family.  Because our children are younger, I sense that they will just acclimate easier and come to expect who makes the decision without second thought because it is really all they know.  But I want to do it in a way that does not undercut his role as a father or a man.  For people who are open about this (either in word or deed) in front of their children, please share how you do it and how it has impacted the family dynamic.

 

Is Our Kink The New Unrecognized Norm?

I realized today when one of my favorite bloggers made reference to me as a former blogger, that time has (once again) played me.  It has been way too long, but as work stress has been particularly acute, the creative part of my mind has been dormant.  So here I am, back to blogging.  I make no promises as to the interesting nature of this post or its coherency.

I actually have been so under water that I have not been keeping up on other blogs.  I checked in on my staples today and realized femdom101 is on hiatus of sorts.  I will say that Kathy's step back from this sphere is a loss, one in which I hope will be short lived.  Her words have always been inspiring and led me to believe this could all be done with love, compassion and retention of intimacy.  I hope she returns to the blogging world quickly.  But, as she said, younger women should take up the cause too, so I thought I should try to do my part to keep these issues at the forefront.  I am not quite so young, but I am certainly of a generation that perhaps idealized egalitarianism (at least politely), which (as I have blogged about before) seems to be somewhat unworkable and not very realistic.    Just a nice concept that you raise when convenient.

In thinking about what to post tonight, several topics came to mind.  We have a particular complication of significant travel, which breeds issues with consistency and maintaining day to day living of this.  I also think feminization and orgasm control are probably things at some point that will come up.  But tonight, I wanted to discuss the increasing normalcy (albeit unrecognized in most cases) of the FLR.

When we first started this, I thought it absolutely revolutionary.  How could I possibly take on all of the decisions and be responsible for the final choice? How? I struggled immensely with the idea of breaking from what my generation espouses--equality, egalitarianism, and some concept of an equal marriage.  Bullshit I say, as I do not think any relationship is ever really equal.  Who can yell the loudest or exert the most emotional control is the same as directing a decision, but in a much much more destructive way.  But as I worried about how to take all of this on, it dawned on me that in many ways, I was pretty much already doing it; but without the open acknowledgment that distinguishes these types of relationships.  And that clarity of just admitting how this goes, is life changing.

Clearly I am not saying every relationship is necessarily female led or dominated.  Not at all.  But when you really think about the people you know or how their lives work, there is a far more prevalent group of people practicing this in some form or another than I ever thought.  Perhaps it is just my circle, but I am amazed by the number of women I know who run their successful professional lives and home life in somewhat the same manner.

Division of labor has always been a norm.  Women for many decades ran the home while the men worked, or back in the day, hunting v. gathering; each with its own critical role.  While many see "women's work" as degrading or less than, I challenge that even the women in much more oppressive times were actually exerting control. In fact, many women were responsible for raising children, tending to the house, budgeting, etc.  How can anyone say this is not leadership in some form or another? It may not be conventional, but a wife completely raising the children and running the house with overt decision making power in certain respects does not seem very passive to me.

Fast forwarding to now, many women I know do not even think twice about being in charge.  Most would not go so far as to call it an FLR, but any time in this journey when I have explored any part of this with a female friend of mine, I usually get a response back that is something akin to "Duh, this is just how we do it."  None of them would know or use the term FLR.  They just live in worlds where they make many, if not all, of the decisions.  They chalk it up to different skill sets or being more organized or whatever, but in reality, they make most of the decisions and decide how much input from their spouse that they want, if any at all.  But ask any of them, and they will say the marriage is equal.  I find it baffling to some extent, and wish women who genuinely lead could just embrace it, if that is what works for you and your husband.  How it plays out in a particular relationship is obviously unique, but I have observed more and more that women are stepping up, but just do not take the final step of embracing it or acknowledging it.  

As an anecdote, we were at dinner with my family a few weeks ago. My father's specialty is filling drinks but I have always seen this as something that he loves to do and so he chooses to do it.  But as I sat there, watching my mother (who never worked outside the home, if it matters), tap her glass and say my father's name, he came right over, with a perfectly mixed cocktail he poured for her and my aunt.  He is a highly accomplished professional, but as soon as she said his name, he had mixed a drink and headed right over.  No request, no could you please, just the bald expectation he would care for her in this way and know what she needed/wanted.  Now, maybe this means nothing and is just something he likes to do with booze.  But it struck me that you never really know what goes on in a relationship, and that traditional roles really do not exist anymore.

Not everyone may be in this open of a female leading, but certainly more and more women are deciding to take control.  So to the women out there who are considering this, I say--jump in. You probably are already doing most of it anyway, and the open acknowledgment of it makes it easier--for both of you.  It takes out shifting expectations and hurt feelings.  It is not without struggle or challenge, but why pretend you are being equal when it is not really that way at all? If he wants this, and you want to explore it, you should.  

How many of you see the FLR or female dominated (however subtle) relationship unfolding in front of you? Is it because we are drawn to like mindeds or is it the start of a real shift? Just my thoughts on this Friday as I try to get back into the swing of blogging.  Have a great weekend, everyone.

On Consistency

So, as a favorite blogger pointed out, the trend in men who wish to be submissive is more.  More strictness, more authority, more discipline. But, most importantly, more consistency.  Consistency is something every female in an FLR likely struggles with.  Or at least I do. 

The choice between letting something slide one day and enforcing the next pervades daily life.  There are a great many influences that impact a given choice, but generally speaking, remaining constant is key.  Ironically, I often say that the only constant is change. But in an FLR, that principle does not work.  You cannot be angry one day for a specific infraction and then let it slide another.  It is just not fair.  Nor can you decide one day to be strict and the other to let it go.  I do not mean to suggest there are not variant circumstances, but generally, it does not seem fair to create a spectrum of what an FLR is on a given day.  You cannot be a disciplinarian and expect to be called Mistress one day and then the next let it all go and retreat to when it was easier and you only passively made decisions. 

What we agree to do as leaders is set the path. It in NO way means we don't make mistakes or make choices that are more self-interested than that of the overall family on a given day, but it does mean that we have a responsibility to be consistent. We have to identify the things or actions for which there are consequences. And we have to enforce them. And we have to lead.  Right or wrong, we have to step up.  I keep repeating in my mind an exceptionally powerful comment that making a decision, even a wrong one, is better than not making one.  You can always fix a poor choice, but indecision or inconsistency cannot really be fixed.  

Submissive men (or women) give an extraordinary gift.  Their love, devotion, service and absolute trust in a leader is not something to be ignored or glossed over.  It is to be protected and celebrated. But it comes with a cost.  Leaders need to be strong, better than we used to be, and cognizant of the submissive's needs.  It is not that we must acquiesce to whatever they need or want at the time, but we have to anticipate what might be coming and do what is in everyone's best interest.  This is a tremendous responsibility on the one hand, but also a very simple one.  Be consistent.  Be aware of the other person's needs and do the best we can. 

I am not even close to always right.  But I try.  I think about my decisions, their impact on my husband or our family, and make the choice I think are right.  What I need to get better at is remaining consistent.  Keeping that in my mind.  Identifying what upsets me, what makes me happy and what maybe is less important and enforcing appropriately.  Shifting expectations do no one any good and for most of us, avoiding that is why we started this journey.  So those are my thoughts on this Monday.  Feel free to comment.  

Realities of Life

So it has been a little while....apparently blogging is harder to navigate with real life than I thought! Which leads me to my topic today of balancing what we do with the realities of life.  Being in a FLR simplifies things in many respects- it provides defined roles and expectations, and an open acknowledgment of who makes decisions.  It takes out a lot of the back and forth or use of emotional means of securing what you want anyway.  When everything runs smoothly and everyone is on the same page about the path, it is relatively easy to live this lifestyle.

What is much harder, though, is to navigate this path when life intervenes.  Either in the form of outside sources or influences like work crises or third party personal relationships, or just sometimes when you as a leader are wrong about a decision.  We had some things arise over the last few weeks that I struggle very much with how to balance in this new path.  I know that many people who have lived this lifestyle for awhile probably know exactly how to handle these issues or are comfortable with just saying the female is in charge and that is that.  That is not a place I am at yet.

My husband had a work crisis a few weeks ago that was very emotionally difficult.  It led to him feel unsettled, concerned and raised some old emotional ghosts for him, which then impacted our communications and interactions.  There were things we agreed to that went by the way side and I struggled to figure out whether he needed me to be more dominant or more sympathetic.  I understand conceptually they are not mutually exclusive, but when you are dealing with a human being who is hurting about things outside of your control, it is difficult to then inflict a punishment for a transgression in your agreement--even though it is exactly what you would have done in different circumstances.

I wasn't sure if what he needed was for me to just take control and enforce what we agreed however small or give him a break.  As anyone who has read this knows, I struggle with balance all of the time.  And this is particularly difficult because it involves things outside of us that nonetheless impact us.  I ultimately gave him a break on some things but then tried to get us back to our path when the dust settled a little.  But even in that, he reacted badly to a small order/decision I made that I thought was inconsequential and ended up being very upset over it.  I think it mostly had to do with what was going on around us, but then it made me feel like maybe this only works when it is easy.  It led to an internal debate that him reacting badly or me offering leniency somehow means I have not been the leader I promised I would be.  Or that I have built in some escape hatch when life gets difficult.

Have any of you lived through that? How have you handled it? Did you want more or less control? Or did you take more control or allow for some leniency?

The reality is this type of lifestyle cannot be turned on and off if it is to be meaningful.  But it also is not linear at all.  In fact, each day brings some challenge that in some way or another either reinforces or undermines this choice.  I want to lead in the best way that I can, and I believe sometimes that requires leniency.  But I worry about the confusion that brings or it sliding into a situation where there is always an excuse for why things were not what we agreed.

It is difficult to lead and to feel that the choices you make are really in everyone's best interest.  I have read that when you assume control, your path is simply the right choice because it is what you think.  But that feels oversimplified to me because I am not always sure what is right.  I do not know if that is something that gets easier with time or practice, or if it is always something that plagues females who lead.  Do you ever feel entirely comfortable that you make the right choice all the time?

What about in the circumstance when you perhaps admit you did not make the best objective choice? I was upset about something last night that was probably overblown and based almost entirely on an unrelated outside influence.  I also did a poor job of identifying that I was upset in the moment rather than over a span of several days, which he thought, and felt to him like a shifting expectation or trap. We did not completely escalate into a fight, but it was clear he disagreed with me.  In the end, I also realized the position I took may have been slightly unfair or related to things in our past that I have not let go of as much as I should.  I think he struggles too because he can be truthful with me about how he feels about something, but if I read something else into it (either fairly or unfairly), there is not much he can say to convince me otherwise.  It is kind of the trap of this type of lifestyle too- you demand honesty, which he gives, but then you are in charge so you can still say it is not enough or the right answer.  Which feels unfair, admittedly, but I am only human too.   Do the female leaders just always get to be right?

I cannot really live in a relationship where his opinion simply does not matter or that I do not take his disagreement into account, but it also feels like that can lead to a shift away from real female leadership.  If you have experienced this (from either side), I would love to hear how you handle these types of issues; what works or does not work; and what you would want your partner to do.

On Being Open

As we have started to do this for longer, the question inevitably becomes how do you handle it in public? As anyone who has read this knows, I struggle from time to time with achieving the right balance or feeling there is constant consistency in my authority (whatever that means).  I doubt we will ever be in a place where I would be completely open about it or maybe even to be able to joke like I have read many people can.

For a lot of different reasons, what we do or how we do it has to have some veil in the outside world. But, at the same time, it becomes somewhat impossible to really do this and take control or be in charge (or the other way around for him) if it is not all the time.  I think it would be terribly confusing for it to just be at the house or just around certain people or just whatever.  That seems to me to go against the exact reason we started this--to have clear boundaries and expectations.

Knowing all of this intellectually, conceptually or emotionally, much like anything, does not make it a bit easier to put into practice.  If anything, it makes it harder.  Because there is no real rule book for a couple trying to do this the way I want to, and which takes his needs into account too or the realities of our lives.  So this particular issue has great significance because it is the public face of the relationship and how we choose to show or demonstrate some or parts of what we do, without wearing a sandwich board up and down the street.

In many ways, being in a community or with a network of friends who do this would be ideal because there would be no need to shield anything because everyone is more or less like minded.  But in the real world of professional lives, personal lives and private lives, it is not as easy.

If this is a lifestyle choice you decide to make, it makes logical sense that it must, in fact, be your lifestyle.  I think I worry far more what people would think or interpret than actually probably is likely.  In my experience, most people are wrapped up in their own life and so pay far less attention to others' lives than we think.  That is a somewhat freeing proposition because it allows for your life to be your own and be less constrained by what you fear others may say or think.

In the spirit of all of this, we have been trying to put more of what we choose to do into day to day practice.  The results are somewhat surprising but correlate with the theory that people rarely care what you are doing as long as it does not directly impact them or hold some particular interest for them.  I will relay two short anecdotes to underscore my point about why I think openness does not have to be explicit and can really reinforce what we are all doing (or thinking of doing).

We had some people over to our house on Saturday and were dealing with one million child related things.  My husband was amazing at taking care of all of us, without my friend noticing more than simply he is a great guy and sharing the delightful accolade of how lucky I am (which I am).  He held boxes, brought libations, made snacks, played in the pool with the kids and just generally helped out. I do not think he felt over used or even that I would require any of those specific things, but he genuinely likes to make my life easier and this was one such time.  And what I discovered was that instead of me asking him a bajillion times if he was ok or would he mind, I just told him what I needed if there was something beyond what he was already doing.  He did it without questions and no one really was the wiser.  Clearly I did not just bark orders, but if you listened closely, you would know it was not a request.  At the end of the night I realized how much fun we all had, and how it was okay to let some of this show.  My friend had no idea or even if she did, did not really get phased by it or curious, but rather just appreciated that her drink was always full and we were well taken care of.

In a similar fashion, we were at a super bowl party on Sunday, and my aunt was trying to lug a huge case of beer across their backyard.  There were no fewer than twenty five able bodied men at said party and not one person thought to help her.  That shocked me for several reasons, but perhaps is a post for a different day.  My husband (who only did not notice because he was attending to my request for an adult beverage) turned to look at me to see which one I wanted, saw me signal ever so slightly to my aunt and immediately crossed the back yard to take the beer from her and deliver it to where it needed to be.  It was a great moment because no one thought anymore about it than he is chivalrous and kind, but we were able to ever so subtly deepen our respective roles just a little bit more.

I have said before that sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it, and interjecting small reminders of whatever your dynamic is into everyday life is one way to do that.  It does not have to be a big show or anything more than my husband will help you, or you need to do X.  For people who practice, all of this would likely be obvious and so not even worth commenting on in a like minded group.  But my point in all of this is that even in the real world with a series of variables of different personalities and the like, there are ways to be true to what you are doing without causing a big stir.  And, more importantly, I think you have to find ways to subtly (or not subtly if that is your thing) weave it in to every day life to really make it your lifestyle.

I know this topic has been covered in other blogs, but how people deal with their relationships in the "real" world is probably a topic that always could use further discussion.  If you want to share, contribute, etc. please do.