I have noticed "reinforcement" has come up in several comments, and thought it might be time to discuss it. This is not a new concept by any means. Most of us employ some version of this in nearly every aspect of our lives- in teaching kids about consequences or goals, in the workplace with constructive (or otherwise) feedback or just in interacting with people on a day to day basis. We do this almost unconsciously in most circumstances- smiling at or thanking the person who bags your groceries because a) it is polite and b) you want him to remember you and maybe not put the cans on top of the eggs. But these smaller interactions seem easier and more natural somehow than when you try to sit down and think about how to really make it work in a marriage like this.
I suppose it is like that with everything--it is easy and reflexive until you are cognizant of it and then it becomes a thing. It reminds me of the old Looney Toons where Wiley Coyote did not realize he was over some hugs chasm until he looked down. But here we are, looking at reinforcements critically and putting each action we take into sharp relief.
Positive reinforcement should be easy. But even that can take on a new meaning in a FLR. Several bloggers point out that thanking a man undercuts the concept that it is a privilege or joy to serve. I am not sure where I come down on that. It is similar to using please in my commands, as I know some would see that as not part of being dominant, but sometimes I like to include it when I am telling him what to do. But as I just wrote about, there is no one size fits all so if saying please and thank you works for you, then it works.
If you do not use traditional concepts like saying thank you, how is it that the positive reinforcement happens? One way is to acknowledge a job well done or to tell him he has done well. But are there others? What works for you in confirming positive behavior? I would be interested to hear from men and women on this issue.
Stopping negative behavior is at once easier and more difficult. Punishment in whatever form you use is straightforward. There is a consequence for a missed task or back talk or whatever else has come up. It requires staying on top of the expectations and consistently reinforcing the consequence, and the hope is that the dislike of such consequence will keep him from doing that again. People have varied views on what appropriate discipline or punishment should be. Some use traditional corporal punishment either with specific infractions or as more of a constant maintenance. Some religiously use corner time. And I am sure there are many things I do not even know about.
My failing in that is always staying on top of things and in not being as creative as I would like in that arena. It can be difficult to manage every task or expectation, so for me, I usually reinforce on the bigger ticket items and maybe let some of the smaller ones slip. I know that increases uncertainty and makes it a little murkier, but that is just the style I employ. I am not sure I could manage every single behavior or task with constant reinforcement either way--it seems like a full time job.
I have always thought a punishment fitting a crime makes the most sense, but I admit I have never washed his mouth out even if he did not speak as respectfully as I would like. I also have read some people keep a journal of infractions that gets presented and addressed. I have no idea if this works, but if you do, please share.
There is also the subtext of stopping it before it gets to a problem level, and quelling misbehavior before a full blown punishment is needed. That one I also have not quite yet mastered, but I suppose it really is just stopping the misbehavior with some carefully chosen words. In any event, this particular blog post clearly reveals the depth of things I do not know and that could benefit from other perspectives.
Being newer at this, I am still trying to find my footing on how to exercise appropriate reinforcement all the time. And as both positive and negative reinforcement is a cornerstone of making this work, I would like to open this up to you. If you are a submissive, what is the most effective form of reinforcement and how does it happen. Do you react better when its preemptive or to certain words? Do certain negative consequences help you avoid infractions more? If you are a leader, how do you use positive and negative reinforcement most effectively? Are there certain punishments you find most effective? Please feel free to contribute. There may be no "right" way, but benefitting from each other's experiences and knowledge seems like a pretty great form of community sharing.
