Operation Boss Lady

I committed in my last post to try making simple choices and following through.  I started with one decision at a time, made the best decision in the moment and did not back down from it.  It has been about 10 days and I think "Operation Boss Lady" is going relatively well.

As readers of this blog know, I often struggle with balance or worrying about my husband feeling something is unfair or that it could be "too much."  The vast majority of contributors all suggest just taking control, owning it and acknowledging that while resistance or "unfairness" may happen, it is kind of what we each signed up for in deciding to walk this path.  In fact, my husband does not want an equal relationship. He wants me to lead. So in spending countless time and energy trying to make it seem or feel equal or worrying too much about the impact something will have, I am really just spinning my wheels and depriving us both of what we actually need/want. It was this realization that got me back on the path of leading.

While I feared increased control or strictness could breed resentment, it has the opposite effect.  He needs the structure and the clarity. He needs the consistency and knowing what is expected. I also think, although probably less so in the moment, that he craves the accountability as well.  Being in this type of relationship really requires some shifts in conventional thinking and finding ways to make sense of concepts that perhaps seem counter intuitive.  It is the difference between viewing follow up as being a nag or as holding him accountable.

It also is not just better for him. It is better for me.  It is easier for me to know that when I make a decision, it will be followed because I am not leaving room for resistance. It is also easier because I have control over my own life and can be responsible for the choices I make, which also means I have no one to blame but myself if it turns out not to be the best choice.  It is just simpler and easier.

So I say to all of the hesitant women out there, just own it. Even if just for a few days or a few weeks, commit to making the decisions, leading and holding him accountable so you both get some traction. My guess is that it will reap positive rewards because he will react well to the structure and consistency, which then provides confidence that can be hard to come by when first starting out on this.  When you can see the positive changes in behavior and the lack of resistance you feared, each choice or action becomes just a little easier the next time.  Sometimes you really have to fake it until you make it.

It is also nice to know that you are not alone.  As much as I have appreciated all of the comments, the ones that have meant the most to me are those that recognize this is neither easy nor perfect.  Yes, it is ideal to be in a relationship where it all just works in perfect harmony and each embraces the role chosen with flawless perfection.  I am happy for each of you that claims to have that type of completely linear path.  That rainbow covered cave full of unicorns just does not exist for me and putting that unattainable requirement of at or near perfect all the time just exhausts me.

We each do the best we can, and some days it is better than others.  But just knowing that you can stumble or be uncertain about your footing and still come back or make a different choice the next day to get back on the path is heartening.  So even if there is a day your leadership was not as strong or your submission was colored by emotional reactions or otherwise not what would be ideal for you or your Mistress, try again. Make a simple choice- be it to lead or to follow and keep repeating.

The Complexity of Simplicity

I find, yet again, that it has been a significant period of time between posts.  It is partially my schedule and also being at times without certainty as to what to write.  Not being an expert in any of this or even doing it for that long, I sometimes worry my contribution is just a rehashing of the same thing or what someone else can more eloquently say.  But, this is also a community and contributing as well as reading the responses bring better understanding and exploration of this topic, so I am jumping back in.  More specifically, I am taking a simple step to address what sometimes feels overwhelming or without clear direction.  That, in fact, is the topic of the morning.  

In certain ways, a FLR is unequivocally simple.  The wife leads. The husband follows.  As I have previously blogged and seems to be a common theme for others too, is this mythical concept of balance that blurs that clean line.  Finding the place where the authority you assume is seamlessly executed, decisions made without question and conviction, and peace in the paths each has chosen. Sometimes it is like that.  

We recently had some periods of it just working effortlessly.  I had no second thoughts about my choices, he agreed without hesitation and I did not get bogged down in worrying about whether it was right, enough, too much or if this is really what he wants.  I just chose the path and went forward, expecting he follow, which he did.  When it is working like that, it is both simple and amazing.  I felt in charge of my own life, able to delegate tasks based on our relative strengths and secure in knowing he will listen and obey.  I believe it gives my husband freedom from decision fatigue, knowing he does not need to make the choices or face some arm chair quarterback about making the wrong choice, as well as clarity in expectations.  I also sense there is freedom in an absence of choice to some extent- he has no other choice so there is no real reason to fear or worry or consider the other options.     

But as life intervenes and the issues become more emotionally charged, or we get busy personally or professionally, it gets more difficult.  I perhaps do not act as consistently because I know he is busy so I give him a pass on things I had asked to be done, or I waver more in my decisions about certain issues because I fear the emotional charge associated with them.  While perfectly natural because neither of us are FLR bots, but actual human beings who are just trying to find a way to make sense of this all, it is a slippery slope.  I find myself feeling less in control, fretting more and being resentful about certain reactions not being what I expect.  The fault, however, lies with me. I have not been as clear about what I want, exercising the authority he has entrusted to me in a confident manner or even expressing my positions clearly.  I also get unsettled with particular emotional situations because I know he may disagree or feel some part is "unfair," and then I either cannot articulate what I expect, he lashes back with less emotional control because I have not been consistent in demanding it, and we end up unnecessarily fighting.   I have been struggling in trying to figure out how to get it back on track and find myself just spinning endlessly.  

Yesterday, however, I realized how to get back on track- make a simple decision. Stick to it and don't overagonize. Repeat. It also requires simple communication about what is expected, and consistency to follow up on it. This is an oversimplification to some extent, but the premise is essentially to cut out the crap of pretend equality (or trying to make sure each decision feels entirely fair, etc) or emotional quagmire that didn't work before and go back to basics. I do not mean to suggest his opinion is not important or that a decision should not be fair, but just that part of leading is owning the best choice at the time and not being paralyzed with indecision.  I lead. He follows.  I need to trust myself that I do not make rash or unfair choices (generally) and that he has asked for, and chosen, to follow.  That choice needs to be respected too.  And he has to follow. He may not always like my decision or bristle at a request, but that is what this is.  He cannot pick and choose when he wants to submit just like I can't pick and choose when I lead.  

So I am going to set out my expectations of the different things that I want/think are best, enforce them and lead us in a way that respects what we have chosen.  In this life, making a decision and executing it is probably the most critical piece.  So I will start with that simple step and see if it works through some of the complexity.