What Is In A Word? The Art Of Domination and Control

I'm going to borrow a theme from I'm Hers because it is one that is pretty foundational for a FLR. At the same time it is also incredibly amorphous and trying to navigate the practicalities of being both dominant and in control. In reading some of the comments, control seems to be seen as the demand for something or giving orders but something like checking up on the work is dominance. I'm not sure I agree. They both seem so enmeshed together that I don't know that one can be separated from another. 

If I think about what I do on a daily basis I'm not sure I can distinguish between which act or conduct is control and which is dominance. This presents the exact problem I have blogged about before in understanding what a submissive needs when he says I want more control, more ownership, etc. 

It obviously will depend on each person and the particular dynamic but it is a struggle from the dominant perspective. How do you both control and provide sufficient dominance? What does that even mean? 

To me, dominance is the overall control I exert. It's not just about set chore lists or expectations of behavior, but about the idea that I have set that up and expect him to obey. I expect he will defer to me and act in accordance with the terms of our agreement. But I do not typically inspect or follow up. I suppose that is something I probably should do sometimes to make sure everything is getting done. But that also seems counter intuitive. If I am really in control and dominant, there should be no question about my requirements being met. I know we are all human and people forget things, but having to check up or micromanage is exactly what I don't want from this and expect him to obviate the need to do. 

I also verbally reaffirm control/dominance by using direct statements, not equivocating for the most part and identifying which type of answer I am looking for (ie, none, his opinion counts but I am leaning one way, or its 51/49).  I sometimes wonder whether there are things I could say or do that would clarify the authority even further but I haven't found a rhythm on anything else yet. Not asking as a question and directing what I expect seems to be the best balance. I suspect he feels my dominance most when I do this in public. Mostly because if people paid attention they would hear it was not a request but a demand.  And one in which he willingly performs.  

For some people, these things may be enough to feel both dominance and control. I wonder, though, whether the reason I do not see as much of a distinction between the two is the physical aspect of dominance in our relationship. Even if I don't check his work or call him on everything, he knows I can and would punish or discipline him for it. I know not everyone does the same thing, but the aspect of discipline builds in literal dominance in a way I'm not sure words alone could. 

We also use a daily ritual of discipline spankings to keep that dominance and authority at the forefront. He also knows the possibility exists for much different punishment, which rarely rarely ever happens. The consistency of discipline on a daily basis seems to prevent the need for a punishment.  The act itself of him submitting daily and me exerting physical control over his body confirms me as the dominant in a way words or direction just can't. I know that is not everyone's experience or path, but it seems to work for us. Because he knows unequivocally every time he sits down who owns him, whether or not I have used any words to remind or confirm that. 

This alone certainly is not enough. The distinction between a FLR and DD requires more. More assumption of decision making beyond behavior changes and an acknowledgment of overall control by the dominant. But it is a critical piece that I believe makes my particular brand of leadership both dominant and in control without question. 

How do others feel? Does dominance require more than control? What are the acts, words or rituals that make you feel most submissive? Or the way you feel most dominant if you lead? 

Realities of Life, State Lines and Keeping Up The FLR

Today I wanted to draw on some of the topics we previously discussed--keeping this up when life, children or the unexpected intervenes--and explore how this works when you are not physically in the same place.  We have previously discussed that it is sometimes difficult to keep this up when life is just life.  Either figuring out how to introduce the chain of command to your children, and making sure their father remains respected, but not undermining the overall female authority, or navigating through the times when it is unclear as to whether more or less authority is needed based on the surrounding noise and complications.  There is no clear cut answer to any of these issues, and I suspect each relationship tackles them differently.

Some of the best pieces of advice or commentary on this blog have suggested (1) making a decision is the best policy; (2) treating this like a chain of command either in a military or workplace analogy; (3) keeping love and respect at the forefront; and (4) maintaining both dominance and control as much as possible to avoid inconsistency are core tenets of making this work.   Of course these are somewhat amorphous in actual application, but they generally are good things to keep in mind.  One area that is harder to fit in these particular principles is that of travel and physical distance.

As readers may know, my husband and I travel with some frequency.  This creates challenges in that we are not always physically together and often spend longer blocks many state lines apart; raising the added complication of differing time zones.  For me, the distance makes it harder to feel in control or making sure he feels my authority, as my oversight is more limited.  We keep up on the decision making deferred to me and other key elements of this, but it is done via email or phone.  We also have some rituals like texting in the morning where we affirm our commitment to this arrangement and will FaceTime to be able to see each other live, but there is just something different when not face to face.  When I travel, he packs and unpacks me so I can see that he put thought into where I am and what I am doing.  I do not do this for him, but it is a nice connection for me.

No matter the effort, there is always a few days of readjusting and reacclimating to this style of living.  I do not place many controls on his time when he is with me or not with me--i.e., I do not regulate what he reads or does or who he speaks to really.  I do like to be informed and he must ask permission before anything impacts our time or in messaging to certain people, but otherwise he has the ability to carry on his life as necessary; particularly when I am not there.  This is our particular dynamic, and I know others may have more or less degrees of control.  Perhaps more control of activity when away would help, but that seems out of place with our typical dynamic.  So in my typical rock rolling fashion, I wonder with frequency how to manage this not only with the realities of life, but also that of distance.

Now that I have told you what we do, I am curious as to any of you who travel or your partner travels, and how you deal with this distance? Do you have special rituals either while away or on return home? Do you exert more control (or wish more was exerted) when not physically in the same place? As submissives, do you enjoy the ostensible greater freedom or would you prefer more limits in place? And what would those be? What is it that you crave when physical presence is impossible?

Parenting and a FLR

As readers of this blog are aware, I am not a believer in turning this on and off based on audience. While that is easier around adults, who often are self-absorbed and only really see things that directly impact them, it is different when dealing with children.  The question becomes how you maintain your FLR without making your husband look weak either as a man or a father.  Now, I do not think that making the choice to be a submissive husband shows any weakness--in fact, quite the opposite. It shows a dedication to his partner and a recognition of her being better able to lead and make choices. That is not weakness, but rather just good sense when that, in fact, is your chosen dynamic or reality. But do the conventions that still permeate society cast shadow on the beauty of that choice? Will older children look to a female led relationship as one of a weak father and overbearing mother or just accept it as the norm for this family? Will younger children model the mother's behavior and expect service from their father in the same or similar way?

In some ways, no matter what the acknowledged dynamic is, women often are responsible for the home and a de facto leader (at least in that space), whether or not anyone openly recognizes it. How many times do fathers say, ask your mother? Whether this is simply disinterest in making a choice, avoidance of a decision that may get overturned or a genuine deference to the mother, it does not really matter because it is ultimately creating an expectation the mother/female will have the final say.  Most people would not see a statement such as this as some acknowledgment of female authority or otherwise think this deviated much from the norm.  So if it is ok in that instance, why would it transform into weakness just because there is an open acknowledgment of her authority? I do not think it has to, but I struggle with making sure he does not feel that way and does not become marginalized in some way by the fact we openly agree I am in charge.

I am also not a believer in ultimate female superiority.  Each relationship is unique and there are certain people who simply are better suited for a female led dynamic.  So my take on how we do this does not stem from a place of believing men are inferior or born to serve.  This creates some complication in allowing a submissive husband to serve and take direction, but without impacting or undercutting his masculinity.  For me, this manifests in my husband remaining an active partner and being responsible for essentially running our house.  I do expect him to serve me and defer to me generally, but not to wait on me hand and foot, if that makes sense.  Of course, this creates its own set of issues because it is not per se black and white.  And as we get more comfortable with this, it now raises questions as to its impact on our family dynamic.

Our daughters are younger and are watching this relationship take shape.  As children are little sponges, I am observing how they are adapting to this dynamic in almost hyper speed.  As we spent this weekend together, I watched each of them ask only him for certain things--juice, snacks, whatever.  They tended not to ask me to do anything for them, but not in a disrespectful way.  More that they simply expected their father to be the one to assist them.  Part of that is just what dads do and he has always been active in their care, but it seemed more that they were aware of the fact he is the one to go to for these types of things exclusively now, whereas I am the one to come to for permission or a decision on something.

As we talked about that shift later in the evening, my husband made the excellent point that he did not want to end up a short order cook.  Just being given orders by an army of little females and essentially becoming a servant to them just because he is submissive to me.  I imagine other people in this lifestyle struggle with the same thing.  And it is something that requires real thought and attention, as it does not make sense to hide it from your children if you are really committed to this, but it obviously raises questions of allowing them to be part of this when they do not necessarily have the cognitive understanding to process its complexities.

During this conversation, I reminded him that in terms of service, it is really only to me.  As part of that, I do expect he will care for our children and attend to their needs, but not in the same way. Specifically, I think it is appropriate when he asks if anyone needs anything before he sits down, but I do not expect him to get up multiple times because each of them decides halfway through dinner that she wants milk or juice or whatever she did not want five minutes before when he asked.  I also want them to remain self-sufficient, and while I get to enjoy the privilege of a drink always being brought to me, I do not think they have earned that yet.  His service to me is a trade off of what we do, whereas they do not contribute in that manner or take on the responsibilities I have so it should necessarily be different.  He can pour them a drink, but my expectation is that most of the time, they will walk over to get it.  It is this balance that I have to further articulate/explore so that we do not hide what we do or that I am in charge, but that he remains a respected man and father.  I do not believe these are mutually exclusive at all, but there is some work that needs to go into how this is presented and represented to children to avoid that.  And while it is easier to address these subtleties when dealing with getting up from dinner or who gets juice, it undoubtedly will be much harder as this continues and they grow into young women.

At the end of the day, it is important for him to be strong in everyone's eyes without shifting our power dynamic or introducing ambiguity either between us or within our family.  Because our children are younger, I sense that they will just acclimate easier and come to expect who makes the decision without second thought because it is really all they know.  But I want to do it in a way that does not undercut his role as a father or a man.  For people who are open about this (either in word or deed) in front of their children, please share how you do it and how it has impacted the family dynamic.