Is Our Kink The New Unrecognized Norm?

I realized today when one of my favorite bloggers made reference to me as a former blogger, that time has (once again) played me.  It has been way too long, but as work stress has been particularly acute, the creative part of my mind has been dormant.  So here I am, back to blogging.  I make no promises as to the interesting nature of this post or its coherency.

I actually have been so under water that I have not been keeping up on other blogs.  I checked in on my staples today and realized femdom101 is on hiatus of sorts.  I will say that Kathy's step back from this sphere is a loss, one in which I hope will be short lived.  Her words have always been inspiring and led me to believe this could all be done with love, compassion and retention of intimacy.  I hope she returns to the blogging world quickly.  But, as she said, younger women should take up the cause too, so I thought I should try to do my part to keep these issues at the forefront.  I am not quite so young, but I am certainly of a generation that perhaps idealized egalitarianism (at least politely), which (as I have blogged about before) seems to be somewhat unworkable and not very realistic.    Just a nice concept that you raise when convenient.

In thinking about what to post tonight, several topics came to mind.  We have a particular complication of significant travel, which breeds issues with consistency and maintaining day to day living of this.  I also think feminization and orgasm control are probably things at some point that will come up.  But tonight, I wanted to discuss the increasing normalcy (albeit unrecognized in most cases) of the FLR.

When we first started this, I thought it absolutely revolutionary.  How could I possibly take on all of the decisions and be responsible for the final choice? How? I struggled immensely with the idea of breaking from what my generation espouses--equality, egalitarianism, and some concept of an equal marriage.  Bullshit I say, as I do not think any relationship is ever really equal.  Who can yell the loudest or exert the most emotional control is the same as directing a decision, but in a much much more destructive way.  But as I worried about how to take all of this on, it dawned on me that in many ways, I was pretty much already doing it; but without the open acknowledgment that distinguishes these types of relationships.  And that clarity of just admitting how this goes, is life changing.

Clearly I am not saying every relationship is necessarily female led or dominated.  Not at all.  But when you really think about the people you know or how their lives work, there is a far more prevalent group of people practicing this in some form or another than I ever thought.  Perhaps it is just my circle, but I am amazed by the number of women I know who run their successful professional lives and home life in somewhat the same manner.

Division of labor has always been a norm.  Women for many decades ran the home while the men worked, or back in the day, hunting v. gathering; each with its own critical role.  While many see "women's work" as degrading or less than, I challenge that even the women in much more oppressive times were actually exerting control. In fact, many women were responsible for raising children, tending to the house, budgeting, etc.  How can anyone say this is not leadership in some form or another? It may not be conventional, but a wife completely raising the children and running the house with overt decision making power in certain respects does not seem very passive to me.

Fast forwarding to now, many women I know do not even think twice about being in charge.  Most would not go so far as to call it an FLR, but any time in this journey when I have explored any part of this with a female friend of mine, I usually get a response back that is something akin to "Duh, this is just how we do it."  None of them would know or use the term FLR.  They just live in worlds where they make many, if not all, of the decisions.  They chalk it up to different skill sets or being more organized or whatever, but in reality, they make most of the decisions and decide how much input from their spouse that they want, if any at all.  But ask any of them, and they will say the marriage is equal.  I find it baffling to some extent, and wish women who genuinely lead could just embrace it, if that is what works for you and your husband.  How it plays out in a particular relationship is obviously unique, but I have observed more and more that women are stepping up, but just do not take the final step of embracing it or acknowledging it.  

As an anecdote, we were at dinner with my family a few weeks ago. My father's specialty is filling drinks but I have always seen this as something that he loves to do and so he chooses to do it.  But as I sat there, watching my mother (who never worked outside the home, if it matters), tap her glass and say my father's name, he came right over, with a perfectly mixed cocktail he poured for her and my aunt.  He is a highly accomplished professional, but as soon as she said his name, he had mixed a drink and headed right over.  No request, no could you please, just the bald expectation he would care for her in this way and know what she needed/wanted.  Now, maybe this means nothing and is just something he likes to do with booze.  But it struck me that you never really know what goes on in a relationship, and that traditional roles really do not exist anymore.

Not everyone may be in this open of a female leading, but certainly more and more women are deciding to take control.  So to the women out there who are considering this, I say--jump in. You probably are already doing most of it anyway, and the open acknowledgment of it makes it easier--for both of you.  It takes out shifting expectations and hurt feelings.  It is not without struggle or challenge, but why pretend you are being equal when it is not really that way at all? If he wants this, and you want to explore it, you should.  

How many of you see the FLR or female dominated (however subtle) relationship unfolding in front of you? Is it because we are drawn to like mindeds or is it the start of a real shift? Just my thoughts on this Friday as I try to get back into the swing of blogging.  Have a great weekend, everyone.

On Consistency

So, as a favorite blogger pointed out, the trend in men who wish to be submissive is more.  More strictness, more authority, more discipline. But, most importantly, more consistency.  Consistency is something every female in an FLR likely struggles with.  Or at least I do. 

The choice between letting something slide one day and enforcing the next pervades daily life.  There are a great many influences that impact a given choice, but generally speaking, remaining constant is key.  Ironically, I often say that the only constant is change. But in an FLR, that principle does not work.  You cannot be angry one day for a specific infraction and then let it slide another.  It is just not fair.  Nor can you decide one day to be strict and the other to let it go.  I do not mean to suggest there are not variant circumstances, but generally, it does not seem fair to create a spectrum of what an FLR is on a given day.  You cannot be a disciplinarian and expect to be called Mistress one day and then the next let it all go and retreat to when it was easier and you only passively made decisions. 

What we agree to do as leaders is set the path. It in NO way means we don't make mistakes or make choices that are more self-interested than that of the overall family on a given day, but it does mean that we have a responsibility to be consistent. We have to identify the things or actions for which there are consequences. And we have to enforce them. And we have to lead.  Right or wrong, we have to step up.  I keep repeating in my mind an exceptionally powerful comment that making a decision, even a wrong one, is better than not making one.  You can always fix a poor choice, but indecision or inconsistency cannot really be fixed.  

Submissive men (or women) give an extraordinary gift.  Their love, devotion, service and absolute trust in a leader is not something to be ignored or glossed over.  It is to be protected and celebrated. But it comes with a cost.  Leaders need to be strong, better than we used to be, and cognizant of the submissive's needs.  It is not that we must acquiesce to whatever they need or want at the time, but we have to anticipate what might be coming and do what is in everyone's best interest.  This is a tremendous responsibility on the one hand, but also a very simple one.  Be consistent.  Be aware of the other person's needs and do the best we can. 

I am not even close to always right.  But I try.  I think about my decisions, their impact on my husband or our family, and make the choice I think are right.  What I need to get better at is remaining consistent.  Keeping that in my mind.  Identifying what upsets me, what makes me happy and what maybe is less important and enforcing appropriately.  Shifting expectations do no one any good and for most of us, avoiding that is why we started this journey.  So those are my thoughts on this Monday.  Feel free to comment.