Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Realities of Life

So it has been a little while....apparently blogging is harder to navigate with real life than I thought! Which leads me to my topic today of balancing what we do with the realities of life.  Being in a FLR simplifies things in many respects- it provides defined roles and expectations, and an open acknowledgment of who makes decisions.  It takes out a lot of the back and forth or use of emotional means of securing what you want anyway.  When everything runs smoothly and everyone is on the same page about the path, it is relatively easy to live this lifestyle.

What is much harder, though, is to navigate this path when life intervenes.  Either in the form of outside sources or influences like work crises or third party personal relationships, or just sometimes when you as a leader are wrong about a decision.  We had some things arise over the last few weeks that I struggle very much with how to balance in this new path.  I know that many people who have lived this lifestyle for awhile probably know exactly how to handle these issues or are comfortable with just saying the female is in charge and that is that.  That is not a place I am at yet.

My husband had a work crisis a few weeks ago that was very emotionally difficult.  It led to him feel unsettled, concerned and raised some old emotional ghosts for him, which then impacted our communications and interactions.  There were things we agreed to that went by the way side and I struggled to figure out whether he needed me to be more dominant or more sympathetic.  I understand conceptually they are not mutually exclusive, but when you are dealing with a human being who is hurting about things outside of your control, it is difficult to then inflict a punishment for a transgression in your agreement--even though it is exactly what you would have done in different circumstances.

I wasn't sure if what he needed was for me to just take control and enforce what we agreed however small or give him a break.  As anyone who has read this knows, I struggle with balance all of the time.  And this is particularly difficult because it involves things outside of us that nonetheless impact us.  I ultimately gave him a break on some things but then tried to get us back to our path when the dust settled a little.  But even in that, he reacted badly to a small order/decision I made that I thought was inconsequential and ended up being very upset over it.  I think it mostly had to do with what was going on around us, but then it made me feel like maybe this only works when it is easy.  It led to an internal debate that him reacting badly or me offering leniency somehow means I have not been the leader I promised I would be.  Or that I have built in some escape hatch when life gets difficult.

Have any of you lived through that? How have you handled it? Did you want more or less control? Or did you take more control or allow for some leniency?

The reality is this type of lifestyle cannot be turned on and off if it is to be meaningful.  But it also is not linear at all.  In fact, each day brings some challenge that in some way or another either reinforces or undermines this choice.  I want to lead in the best way that I can, and I believe sometimes that requires leniency.  But I worry about the confusion that brings or it sliding into a situation where there is always an excuse for why things were not what we agreed.

It is difficult to lead and to feel that the choices you make are really in everyone's best interest.  I have read that when you assume control, your path is simply the right choice because it is what you think.  But that feels oversimplified to me because I am not always sure what is right.  I do not know if that is something that gets easier with time or practice, or if it is always something that plagues females who lead.  Do you ever feel entirely comfortable that you make the right choice all the time?

What about in the circumstance when you perhaps admit you did not make the best objective choice? I was upset about something last night that was probably overblown and based almost entirely on an unrelated outside influence.  I also did a poor job of identifying that I was upset in the moment rather than over a span of several days, which he thought, and felt to him like a shifting expectation or trap. We did not completely escalate into a fight, but it was clear he disagreed with me.  In the end, I also realized the position I took may have been slightly unfair or related to things in our past that I have not let go of as much as I should.  I think he struggles too because he can be truthful with me about how he feels about something, but if I read something else into it (either fairly or unfairly), there is not much he can say to convince me otherwise.  It is kind of the trap of this type of lifestyle too- you demand honesty, which he gives, but then you are in charge so you can still say it is not enough or the right answer.  Which feels unfair, admittedly, but I am only human too.   Do the female leaders just always get to be right?

I cannot really live in a relationship where his opinion simply does not matter or that I do not take his disagreement into account, but it also feels like that can lead to a shift away from real female leadership.  If you have experienced this (from either side), I would love to hear how you handle these types of issues; what works or does not work; and what you would want your partner to do.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

On Being Open

As we have started to do this for longer, the question inevitably becomes how do you handle it in public? As anyone who has read this knows, I struggle from time to time with achieving the right balance or feeling there is constant consistency in my authority (whatever that means).  I doubt we will ever be in a place where I would be completely open about it or maybe even to be able to joke like I have read many people can.

For a lot of different reasons, what we do or how we do it has to have some veil in the outside world. But, at the same time, it becomes somewhat impossible to really do this and take control or be in charge (or the other way around for him) if it is not all the time.  I think it would be terribly confusing for it to just be at the house or just around certain people or just whatever.  That seems to me to go against the exact reason we started this--to have clear boundaries and expectations.

Knowing all of this intellectually, conceptually or emotionally, much like anything, does not make it a bit easier to put into practice.  If anything, it makes it harder.  Because there is no real rule book for a couple trying to do this the way I want to, and which takes his needs into account too or the realities of our lives.  So this particular issue has great significance because it is the public face of the relationship and how we choose to show or demonstrate some or parts of what we do, without wearing a sandwich board up and down the street.

In many ways, being in a community or with a network of friends who do this would be ideal because there would be no need to shield anything because everyone is more or less like minded.  But in the real world of professional lives, personal lives and private lives, it is not as easy.

If this is a lifestyle choice you decide to make, it makes logical sense that it must, in fact, be your lifestyle.  I think I worry far more what people would think or interpret than actually probably is likely.  In my experience, most people are wrapped up in their own life and so pay far less attention to others' lives than we think.  That is a somewhat freeing proposition because it allows for your life to be your own and be less constrained by what you fear others may say or think.

In the spirit of all of this, we have been trying to put more of what we choose to do into day to day practice.  The results are somewhat surprising but correlate with the theory that people rarely care what you are doing as long as it does not directly impact them or hold some particular interest for them.  I will relay two short anecdotes to underscore my point about why I think openness does not have to be explicit and can really reinforce what we are all doing (or thinking of doing).

We had some people over to our house on Saturday and were dealing with one million child related things.  My husband was amazing at taking care of all of us, without my friend noticing more than simply he is a great guy and sharing the delightful accolade of how lucky I am (which I am).  He held boxes, brought libations, made snacks, played in the pool with the kids and just generally helped out. I do not think he felt over used or even that I would require any of those specific things, but he genuinely likes to make my life easier and this was one such time.  And what I discovered was that instead of me asking him a bajillion times if he was ok or would he mind, I just told him what I needed if there was something beyond what he was already doing.  He did it without questions and no one really was the wiser.  Clearly I did not just bark orders, but if you listened closely, you would know it was not a request.  At the end of the night I realized how much fun we all had, and how it was okay to let some of this show.  My friend had no idea or even if she did, did not really get phased by it or curious, but rather just appreciated that her drink was always full and we were well taken care of.

In a similar fashion, we were at a super bowl party on Sunday, and my aunt was trying to lug a huge case of beer across their backyard.  There were no fewer than twenty five able bodied men at said party and not one person thought to help her.  That shocked me for several reasons, but perhaps is a post for a different day.  My husband (who only did not notice because he was attending to my request for an adult beverage) turned to look at me to see which one I wanted, saw me signal ever so slightly to my aunt and immediately crossed the back yard to take the beer from her and deliver it to where it needed to be.  It was a great moment because no one thought anymore about it than he is chivalrous and kind, but we were able to ever so subtly deepen our respective roles just a little bit more.

I have said before that sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it, and interjecting small reminders of whatever your dynamic is into everyday life is one way to do that.  It does not have to be a big show or anything more than my husband will help you, or you need to do X.  For people who practice, all of this would likely be obvious and so not even worth commenting on in a like minded group.  But my point in all of this is that even in the real world with a series of variables of different personalities and the like, there are ways to be true to what you are doing without causing a big stir.  And, more importantly, I think you have to find ways to subtly (or not subtly if that is your thing) weave it in to every day life to really make it your lifestyle.

I know this topic has been covered in other blogs, but how people deal with their relationships in the "real" world is probably a topic that always could use further discussion.  If you want to share, contribute, etc. please do.